Monday, April 16, 2012

Surrender


During our last session, Mistress had me get out the anal hook -- an item that's been in the toybag this whole time but had gone untried, thus increasing its mystery (and my curiosity) to epic proportions.

This led to my being bent over, and the hook inserted, then tied to my hands at the small of my back. The hook felt nothing like I'd imagined. Much less severe and not as cold as I'd anticipated. In fact, I didn't even realize it was inside me at first and after that, it was something close to comfortable (as comfortable as a person can get with an anal hook in their ass) and, at times, almost unnoticeable.

Mistress began to beat me with alacrity, the goal being to make me pull on the hook with my arms as I squirmed in pain. Between that and her intentionally hitting the hook with various implements as she beat me, I had constant reminders of my current position.

It was very hot and I found that, in addition to being physically stimulating, it brought up some interesting new feelings. For one, being in that position, bent over, exposed, feeling really open, the hook lodged inside me, it was a deliciously vulnerable and submissive position. In fact, I felt deeply submissive in a way I've never experienced before, probably the most submissive I've ever felt.

Going into this, having pondered what it would be like, I honestly didn't know what to expect. I was a bit surprised at how the addition of the hook could so influence my experience. I certainly didn't expect it to be so moving and I also didn't expect to like it so much!

After beating me a while, Mistress shoved my favorite dildo in my pussy. The combined sensations of her fucking me with the hook in my ass was simply too pleasurable for words. There were a couple of times when it was almost too much pleasure and I wasn't sure if I could take any more, but I certainly wasn't in any position to escape! The reason I love that particular dildo is that is has a bit of a pronounced head, very good for getting all the right places inside. There was one point where my g-spot was being stimulated fast and hard and I had the feeling I've gotten in the past when I've felt I was close to squirting. I never have, but I've felt close before, and this was one of those times. It felt unbelievably pleasurable.

She struck me hard with a cane while she fucked me and I found that really interesting, as well. I can't say I've had much of pain and pleasure combined, so this was somewhat of a new experience. As I've said before, canes usually are a real bitch; very painful in a morphing, lingering kind of way, but the pleasure tempered the pain. So, it hurt, but there were competing sensations and I noted that the pain did not linger. It was easier to take and less stingy. I also found that I cared less about the pain, but that could very well be because I was rather focused on the delicious sensations of double penetration happening at the same time.

I was surprised again when it all ended; she abruptly stopped what she was doing and withdrew... I was highly stimulated, both physically and mentally, and I had a sudden rush of emotion... the next thing I knew, tears were in my eyes and I was crying.

It took me completely by surprise, especially since I'd been completely blissed out, lost in overwhelming, pleasurable sensation. Totally not in my head at all. In thinking about it, I realize that the tears were an emotional reaction to all the delicious stimulation, to my feeling so vulnerable and so submissive. In the end, I felt total surrender.

My tears were completely happy and out of feeling amazing, both mentally and physically. I suppose that I was just so overwhelmed that all I could do in that moment was burst into tears to release some of the pent-up emotion.

The session also included a pair of very hot tall boots with lacing up the back (basically, it just doesn't get much better or hotter than that!). I haven't mentioned it here yet, but I have a huge fetish for ladies in tall boots. These particular boots, Mistress wore during our first session and I definitely noticed them. I got to have some quality time with the boots, which was super hot and which made me really happy.

I still feel really happy and content when I think about this last session. Man, it was so good! Part of me kind of wishes the anal hook had made an appearance earlier... ;)

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Pain

It's funny.. when I started out on my kinky journey, it all began so simply: I discovered that I really like to be spanked. For a while, it was all about spanking. I barely dipped my toes into the pool of D/s, but I certainly did introduce every girlfriend I've had to the joys of spanking me. I say it like that because, apparently, I'm loads of fun to spank. Even people who were not spankos, had never erotically spanked anyone, or who were otherwise originally ambivalent, quickly got on board and came to enjoy delivering with gusto. Lucky me!

One thing I noted with curiosity over the years was how ridiculously wet and aroused a spanking would make me. Indeed, the whole thing was very arousing on multiple levels, but I could never pinpoint the moment, or the action, or the specific thing that triggered such a profuse display of arousal. I'd sit and wonder sometimes, What is it about a spanking that evokes such a reaction? Is it the submission, the intimacy, the pain?

A bit further down the road I am now, and I find myself in a place where I've tasted more things, my horizons are much more broad. I realize now that I am definitely a masochist; it's not that there was ever any doubt, but it's not something I would have known about myself when all I'd been was spanked. I've now experienced a fairly broad range of torments (tempered with sensory pleasures) and I've come to learn that not only am I most willing subject, I have a relatively high tolerance for pain.

Pain is on the menu with regularity and with it, I've come to develop a complex and interesting relationship. I am a masochist, it's true, but every masochist is different and not all pain is created equal.

If you were to poll a bunch of masochists, you'd find that each one has different preferences; different likes, loves, and hates where pain is concerned. Some are true pain sluts and will take whatever, wherever, as long as it hurts. Others, like me, favor certain stimuli over others.

Pain comes in many forms and sometimes in more than one form at once! Some pain stings. Other pain thuds, burns, stabs, or throbs. Some pain is diffuse, others more acute and sharp. Some pain is over the moment the strike ends. Other pain hurts on impact and continues to resonate through the body, much like a bell when struck. Some pain starts as one thing and then becomes another.

A hard stroke with a cane can thud and sting at the start, then morph into a deep, burning, continuous pain. Canes are a real bitch, by the way. I still have a light scar from a hard cane stroke on my calf, from months ago! Don't get me wrong, though.. They do make the prettiest and longest-lasting marks.

I like to think I can take a pretty good beating; Mistress does love to dole it out and at times, it's challenging. Sometimes my nipples are sore for days afterward and I'm reminded every time I dress, every time they are accidentally brushed. Other times, I carry with me the reminders of bruises, scratches, and cane stripes. I love having marks to show the kind of beating I've taken and to remind me later of the fun time we had.

Sometimes, the pain is downright erotic -- there is no other way to describe it. Each sensation of pain like a direct line straight between my legs. It's my holy grail of S&M and such an amazingly pleasurable surprise when my body responds this way. I've yet to determine why, what the factors are. It happens most frequently with bare-handed spanking; not sure what it is, but holy hell, does bare-handed spanking get my motor revving. Something about that particular sensation, skin against skin, thuddy and stingy at once, it's almost always erotic.

Other times, when I've been lucky, strokes from weapons have affected me in the same way. It's kind of amazing, actually -- every stroke translated into deeply erotic pleasure, like a hand stroking between my legs. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does -- oh my god. Purely amazing. There is nothing else like it.

Now, it's not always that fun, and that's why I say my relationship with pain is complicated. Some days, it's easy to take, other times (such as the week before my period), I'm super sensitive and everything really hurts. Sometimes, a beating is a struggle to take -- my mind and body are at odds.

Interestingly, no matter what my experience, my body responds. Even when a beating is challenging, even when I feel like I'm enduring it (rather than actively enjoying it), I crave it. Not only that, but my body responds by getting intensely aroused.

It amazes me sometimes, how physically aroused I get. My enjoyment, or lack thereof, in the moment makes no difference. For example, during our last session, I was very sensitive to pain due to the time of the month, but I ended up dripping wet, literally (and somewhat embarrassingly).

Make no mistake -- no matter my experience at the time, I love it. There are times when I might not enjoy something in the moment, but upon reflection, those things become intensely hot. I find this to be really interesting, actually. It allows me to be more open about doing things (or having things done to me) because pretty much no matter what, I end up thinking that it's really hot. It may take me until a bit later, but very often, the things that are the most difficult in the moment are the hottest masturbation fodder later.

Also, what else I find interesting is that even when I'm taking a beating and it's challenging... maybe I'm having a really hard time in the moment and I want it to stop... the moment that it does, a little voice in my head goes, "Oh, wait... is that the end? Is it over? No, don't stop! I want more!"

I really had no idea I was such a masochist, until I met Mistress. It was always about spanking and how surprising it was to me that receiving had such a profoundly arousing effect on me. I like to imagine that Mistress has come to explore the depths of her sadism, just as much as I have come to explore just what a masochist I truly am.

Pain that is intentionally caused by someone else is pretty much always arousing. I'm no pain slut -- self-inflicted, accidental, and/or surprise pain is no fun. I don't get off from stubbing my toe or accidentally burning myself. Head, facial, or dental pain -- no fun and impossible to sexualize. Well, aside from hair pulling -- that is always, always welcome. :)

There's just something about being someone's victim or test subject, being the target of their attentions, the source of their amusement... well, despite how it might be in the moment, it will always end up as hot.