Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Chemicals Between Us

I just read an interesting article that, if accurate, might explain something that I found odd and confusing, over the course of my sessions with Mistress. No matter how turned on I was, no matter how stimulated or how much I wanted to -- and I really, really wanted to -- I couldn't orgasm. At first, I thought it was mental, a performance issue due to anxiety or pressure, but then I tried abstaining from masturbation on the days leading up to a session, something that has worked in the past if I had difficulty coming with someone. That helped not in the slightest, which was very confusing because it was unusual for me.

I never did figure it out. Even after I went home post-session and had all the time in the world, no pressure, I still could not get off! I was operating on the theory that my difficulties were mental, but the fact that orgasming was so damned difficult on the day of a session, even by myself.. well.. I found it perplexing. It got to the point where I learned to not even try; I would spend an hour or more frustratedly chasing an orgasm, with me getting more and more relaxed and sleepy. Basically, fighting an uphill battle and when I did manage to come, the orgasm was a bit flat and disappointing -- or, at least, not at all representative of the intense sensations and arousal I experienced in session.

Interestingly, I would wake up the next morning and be raring to go, like everything I felt the evening before was all saved up. Much easier to get off and honestly, much more intense and enjoyable orgasms.  So, that became the way of things, enjoying my session with Mistress, dinner with them, my going home to bed, and then waking up the next morning to, erm, finish the job. :P

Even though it worked out and was great, it still bothered me that I couldn't come in session. I mean, it was a real treat when she would permit me the opportunity and I can't express how badly I wanted to. I just, physically, was unable. So weird and so frustrating!

Now, this article lists no citations and there are also some misspellings, which make me a bit skeptical, but it sure does make a lot of sense. Or, at least, anecdotally so, based on all of the sexual experiences I've had. I'd say I know my body pretty well at this point and, as I have said, I find my physical/sexual reaction in session to be completely odd.
One thing we do know: having an orgasm while in “subspace” is biologically next to impossible!
This is because the hormonal chain of events leading to subspace is quite different from the one leading to an orgasm. In the early stages of the route to both “subspace” and orgasm, these chains of events are quite similar. But at some point along the way, the body has to make a choice: either go for orgasm, or go for subspace. One excludes the other. In other words, whenever a submissive tells you he or she “was cumming like there is no tomorrow” that is exactly what has been happening. But, no more than that. There is nothing wrong with an orgasm. On the contrary, in fact. But it just isn't “subspace”.
Here we reach a crucial junction. Once the endorphins production gets well underway, there is a choice to make: are we “going into subspace” or will it be an orgasm today? Remember, one excludes the other. No one knows exactly how or why this choice is being made but - remember, hormone receptors are genetically determined - at least some of that has to be in the genetic code somewhere.
So, why is there such a crucial choice? Well, in order to follow the hormonal route to an orgasm the body now will have to start to produce a group of hormones called GnRH. These will eventually trigger the production of yet another hormone (genadotropine), which induces the production and release of steroids (the “sex” hormones). As soon as the GnRH production starts the endorphins production slows down and finally stops. In other words: no “fountains” -- no “subspace”.
Up to this point your body has produced quite a lot of these “mood hormones” and that is responsible for the feelings of bonding, attachment, affection, security and love. This makes sense, since these emotions - in females especially - are a necessity for the orgasm. This is what some people describe as “floating”. No, that is not one of “stages of subspace”. Actually that is pretty general, normal human behavior and quite necessary.
So, here is again a crucial difference in BDSM-experience - physically and mentally recognisable: if there now will be an orgasm, that is what you go for. And, orgasms are NICE! And very good to have. But …… THEY ARE NOT “SUBSPACE”. The bonding and affection emotions however, can be a first step towards it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

"Thou art to me a delicious torment."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, May 18, 2012

World News

.... my world, of course.  Mistress is gone and the preparations and the aftermath have been all-consuming.  The latter half of last month is a bit of a blur, packed full of moving preparations. To make things even crazier, I also was moving! So unbelievably hectic and difficult and heartbreaking.

I keep sitting down to write, getting a few sentences in, and then finding myself stuck. Purposely letting myself get distracted. It's all there, behind the wall, but not easy to get out.

I don't want to dwell too much, for nothing good can come of that. Down that path lies danger; serious depression that, once entered into, I will be lost for a time. It's just.. I do have to write about it. I have to talk about this drastic change in my life, how surreal it feels. I had this amazing, interesting, and totally fulfilling thing in my life and now it's gone. How I feel like a piece of me is missing. The emptiness, the loss.

I'm faced with the sadness and loss every day. As I drive around town, the reminders are everywhere; every place we frequented, it's a bittersweet stab of memory. The memories are sweet and I cherish them, because they are full of quality time spent together. I got so much more than I ever imagined from my service, from her, from her husband. I regret nothing, and am grateful for so much. I know the pain will fade in time, but it's been difficult. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the end, this change.. not having them around, it's bizarre. That they are physically so far away, where I once was so happy to be in their company and a part of their daily lives.

I'm terrified that I will be left behind, emotionally as well as physically. It happens. People move away, life goes on, it's very easy to get consumed with life, what is happening presently and immediately. Easy to let long-distance relationships fade. I know because I am guilty of it, myself. Whenever I moved over the years, I always thought that I would keep up with my besties, but time and distance have a way of mislaying those sorts of plans.

So, I guess that's what I'm mourning. I am trying to prepare myself for the fact that this is all really over. I can't expect the maintenance of this relationship, despite how deeply I feel, how much it means to me. I have never had a relationship like this before and it has been transformative and so beautiful. Despite dating and even having long-term relationships, I have not had such a profound and moving relationship in about ten years. I am feeling a gigantic loss, but trying to focus on the wonderful aspects. How grateful I am to have been so lucky! For all that I have learned, for her patience, caring, and gentleness, From the moment that I met her, I was launched into a whole new era of myself; bigger, brighter, better, and so much more confident.

As I began writing this entry, the following song came on.

"Another Lonely Day" by Ben Harper
Yes indeed I'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
I can't find in between
cause I've been with witches
and I have been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
but temptation from you
but I'd rather walk alone
than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself
than let you drag me down

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
and now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one I love
today I hardly know
you I held so close in my heart oh dear
grow further from me
with every falling tear

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

Thursday, May 03, 2012


Mistress is gone. The end was a hectic rush of packing, cleaning, and moving, with little sleep for anyone. I did a pretty good job of holding it together, at least until it was time to bid goodbye to the animals, who flew out separately.

It's been a bit surreal. Even now, I am having difficulty swallowing the fact that it's all over.

Suddenly, I have so much time. In a way, it's nice, a break; after all, I pretty much worked two jobs for nearly a year. It's just so weird. In the past week, I've had to shift my thinking. I keep catching myself stuck in the way things have been, thinking things like, "Oh, the next time I go over to... oh."

It's bizarre. A radical shift. I'm still moving into my new apartment, putting things away, and this has taken up some of the free time I now find myself with, thankfully. But already, I'm itching for something more. I miss what was. I miss Mistress, I miss my family. I don't know quite what to do with myself. I felt wanted, loved, and cared for. Now it all seems so empty.

They are so far away and I know things can't stay the same. I know the distance will grow, as will I grow accustomed to this loss. It just seems so weird. How I could have this one moment, and a gaping hole the next.

All the kink, the amazing sessions, gone. That is hard to fathom, too. Not knowing when I might next be beaten, topped, spanked, or whatever... so depressing. I have no luck with women at all, it's all based on chance. So depressing.

On the positive side, I have learned so much in the past year -- my mind blown wide open. I learned what it means to be a submissive, for real. How to behave, what is expected; it was a bit of a mental shift. Serving Mistress was a beautiful thing. How grateful I am for such a safe and nurturing environment to be myself, a place where I was cared for and looked after.

Our relationship had just begun to develop into a wonderfully comfortable thing, a place where we knew each other intimately, where comfortable silence could be experienced, or an anticipation of the other's thoughts, feelings, and desires.

It's been like a dream. So amazing, so perfect, I never expected to find what had always existed entirely in my head.

How grateful I am that we crossed paths, ,that she had the faith and trust to let me into her life. She has transformed me; I am not the same person I was a year ago and I have her to thank.