Friday, June 29, 2012

Magic Words

It amazes me sometimes, the power of words. Otherwise simple, meaningless in a way, words can pierce, destroy, comfort, caress. The right words can entrance, elate, speak directly to the soul.

I love language and the nuances of vocabulary. Hearing the words and combinations thereof that a person chooses, which are uniquely suited to them. I pay a lot of attention to words, tone, and intent.

I have not been much disposed to write lately; I dislike discussing my emotional difficulties here because that is far from my intent with this blog. I am mourning the loss of something really wonderful and fulfilling, and this makes it difficult to write. I just feel like I have a big hole where a chunk of me was ripped out.

I spend a lot of time thinking, remembering, replaying moments that stand out in memory for being exceptionally fun, meaningful, hot, etc. It's bittersweet, of course... These moments gave me so much pleasure and, as such, are dearly cherished. It's that they are gone and nevermore that is sharply bitter and sad.

Just now, I was pondering and reminiscing, thinking of my service to Mistress and how she would occasionally lend me and my services to her friends, which I loved. Feeling appreciated and useful is at the top of my "best things ever" list. Coming back to my original point about language, Mistress would say something like, "Oh, my girl can do that for you" ... and it just amazes me that the simplest words and phrases can have such an impact on me.

I loved hearing her call me her girl, her submissive, her anything. I loved the feeling of belonging, of having an emotional home, the thrill that she held me in such esteem that I was a cherished part of the household.

Other words are powerful, but my favorite and most sought-after were "good girl". From the outside, to the uninitiated, I imagine that might sound silly, but I am not alone in the reaction those words elicit. It seems to be a common experience of submissive women that those two words make us melt into a happy pile of goo.

When I was brand-new at this, during our first session, Mistress said, "If you're a good girl, I might let you beat off at the end." What's funny is that those words embarrassed me then. They seemed silly, so 'what you're supposed to say in BDSM.' They held no meaning, or, rather, I had no concept of the depth of their meaning at the time. It's amusing now because of how far I've come since that day -- how I never in a million years would have guessed, in that moment, just how I would later crave hearing those two little words escape her lips... "Good girl" just sends off fireworks of glee inside.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Confidence

I certainly feel very lucky, in that I landed with a Mistress who was an exceptional fit. I felt nurtured, understood, looked after, and fully accepted for who I am. It was a growth process, as well as a period of self-discovery and learning. I learned a lot... about how to be a submissive, about who I am, amongst a ton of other things.

I lacked confidence in the beginning; this was entirely new territory. I originally experienced a period of uncertainness, where I was afraid I might unknowingly make some wrong move and be dismissed. This then blended with my growing attachment and I feared that I might be cut loose, the resulting pain, loss, and rejection. Gradually, it started to dawn on me that I was wanted and appreciated, all of me, the whole package. I started to relax and things settled into a mellow, wonderful comfortableness.

One of my oldest and best friends, whom I have known for over ten years, through many life circumstances and relationships, was a bit weirded out by the whole Mistress/sub relationship. Admittedly, my first, so some adjustment necessary. That aside, he seemed positively in awe of the changes he observed in me, my personality, and in my self-confidence. After hanging out with us, he said, 'I still have to wrap my head around the kink part.. but I have known you a very long time and I have never seen you like this. It's amazing, how you've blossomed! It's so great to see!'

I love that, because I do feel different. My service just ended and I hope this change lasts. I am far more confident than I used to be. I care less what people think (been working in that since last year). I really came into myself when I found D/s service, and I discovered a whole huge part of myself that had previously been stifled, which had actually caused a host of problems -- turns out subbing and serving someone without either party's knowledge doesn't often work out in a healthy manner. :)

I have a hard time articulating why exactly I have more confidence. I guess it's the combination of discovering I am quite skilled at something and well-suited. That I am desirable and valuable because of my personality, skills, and temperament. Part of it is that Mistress is an exceptional woman; someone I admire deeply, very lovable, intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful inside and out. Knowing that she loves me, values me, and actually wants me around.. what a huge confidence booster!

Then there's also the security that there is a place for me, where I can get these needs met, where I can be appreciated for myself, where I am not a weirdo. I feel my value so much more than I did. I also found that kink helped me feel more comfortable in my body; if you told me a year ago that I'd strip down in front of 70 people without any hesitation, I would have laughed my ass off. But I sure did! :)