Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Réentrée

The past few months have been difficult, but fortunately, things are starting to look up. Some events occurred that, while unnecessarily hurtful, have actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My eyes were opened, which enabled me to turn a corner, emotionally.

I had to hibernate for a while, to dwell and to process, to live through the painful emotions. I would have kept pining and being sad, but for the aforementioned wake-up call; after that, I found my strength and was able to pull myself out of the muck and into a much healthier place with me as the focus for a change.

During this period of mourning, I was feeling lonely and disconnected, wanting desperately to feel that sense of belonging that I was missing. Kink events came and went, but I was too mired in sadness and torpor to venture out alone.

I tried a couple of low-key events, but I rarely fare well when attending things alone. I have social anxiety, so I tend to hang back and be a wallflower. Something about my body language, due to my fear, must keep people at bay because no one ever talks to me. Then it's just a vicious cycle, a self-fulfilling prophecy... or, at least, it's very difficult for me to get excited about going to things alone because I know exactly what will happen and the whole thing is pitiful and depressing.

It's amazing what excellent motivation is desperation! I started reaching out, seeking others, and making contacts. Going to things to which I'd been invited. After a slow and rocky start, it's working!

I realized, some months ago, that I'm a switch, rather than 100% submissive. This was actually a bit of a struggle, coming to terms with what I've always believed about myself -- that I didn't have any Dom in me -- not being true. I sat with it for a good month, mulling it over and questioning myself, before I dared voice my curiosity to try the D side of things.

It's different for everyone, how it feels, this entry into kink. The exploration of one's role(s) can take some time. I personally never struggled much with the concept of myself as a submissive and found that, for the most part, it fell into place pretty naturally. Myself as a switch, though, I found to be a completely different animal. It completely challenged that which I had felt was so certain: I was, at heart, deeply submissive. The thought of dominating someone made me laugh out of sheer preposterousness.

Over time, I had to admit to myself that I was growing evermore curious and, to my surprise, I found that I did genuinely want to do these things to a willing victim. This process, the internal dissonance I felt, reminded me a lot of my struggle when coming out of the closet. Fortunately, the process of accepting my dominant and sadistic urges was much quicker and easier than that! At least now, as an adult, I am much more understanding of the variation, the fluctuations, and the evolution of one's sexuality, so I was able to avoid the mental self-flagellation.

I felt so proud of myself, figuring it out and declaring my intent. I was very eager to meet someone to which I could apply all these deviant concepts which flit about in my cranium. But then nothing happened.

For like 6 months.

[pause as tumbleweed blows by.]

I will say that I have not had the best luck in meeting new play partners. I grew more and more motivated to search as time went on and I began to jones for kink. I had several irons in the fire, all very promising people, but one by one, they flaked on me in various ways and I was back to square one, with nothing to show for it other than dashed hopes and wasted time.

Honestly, it was getting frustrating. It started to look like the only way I was going to meet anyone was at events, but that was both intimidating and disheartening because I never, no exaggeration, fare well on my own at bars or events -- there is almost no reason for me to go.

I didn't give up, though! Good thing, too, because I got lucky! Through a mutual friend who leads a rope enthusiast group, I met a highly curious girl who was just as interested in my topping her as I was -- YES!! I'd had such bad luck with flakes that I didn't get my hopes up. Part of me expected her to cancel, but when it got to be the day before and we were still on, I realized that it was actually going to happen. Cue one of my famous "Oh my god, what am I doing?" moments. However, upon review, those moments tend to preface awesome experiences...

I'll explain it in more detail in another post, but we played and I think I managed to pull it off very well. It was her birthday, so I made it all about her and she seemed to enjoy herself. We hit it off, so then we went to an event together a couple of days later, to celebrate her birthday. We've had a couple of sleepovers that were lovely (yay for cuddles!) and we will be going out tomorrow night, plus definitely a couple more events next week.

I also just had coffee this afternoon with a Domme who is reentering the scene after a few years away, and she is looking for company to attend things with. She was cool and seemed fun, so I invited her along next week. Now that I have partners in crime, I can attend more events and meet more people -- yay!! Things, at long last, are looking up.


Submissive Emotions and the Dominant

[I found this piece of writing to be excellent and it is herein reprinted courtesy of A Dauntless Journey.]


"I warned you! I told you how this would be. I told you how intense this could and probably would become. I told you how emotional this would become for you. I told you this would be like no other relationship you have ever had. I told you how it would be hard to go back once I had taken you there. Did you believe me? Did you think I was lying? Did you really think I was just telling you things to lure you in? Maybe...maybe not. You had no way of knowing. You had no reference point. You had never been here before to be able to understand. But...now you see. Now you get it. Now you understand. Now...you are addicted!"

I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.

There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.

From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.

She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.

This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.

There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.

My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.

Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!