Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Pause

I'm taking a break from Fetlife and also have stopped seeking new partners. Honestly, I feel trepidatious about entering into anything new, given my track record over the past couple of years. I'm nervous that I will find myself in yet another fucked up situation where I wind up feeling used. If not that, then I also don't feel very confident anymore that I can find partners who actually want to have sex with me. Apparently, I'm the girl ladies want to date, cause I'm awesome, but don't actually want to sleep with. I don't get it.

I think of pursuing another service relationship and my stomach sinks a bit. The D/s relationships I've had, not to mention being jerked around in the relationships that never got off the ground, have left a really bitter taste in my mouth. I feel like I'm not meeting the quality-type people I want and deserve; instead, I continually meet people who are damaged, incapable of healthy communication, and who are apparently turned off by my intensity and passion. But because I'm an amazing sub, they keep me around, giving me mere shadows of what I need. I've filled some weird in-between quasi-girlfriend shoes, three times now. I've been obedient, patient, understanding, and giving, and in my eyes, have done all the right things. For whatever reason, I keep finding myself up against the same goddamned wall.

Obviously, I have the relationship stuff down because, along with my service and all the things I can do, it seems that that is all I'm wanted for. They like being treated well, the lack of drama, etc. But for whatever reason, they don't seem to like all of me. I wasn't placid enough for ex-Mistress and I was too intense for Jade, not to mention that neither of them were much on the talking about feelings. Ex-Mistress preferred to avoid the discussion altogether, while Jade was amazing at receiving communication, yet never said anything in return. My passion and intensity are core pieces of who I am and are unlikely to change, though I find it odd that I keep falling in with women who find these to be repelling qualities.

I'm actually now in a third sexless dating situation and this shit is getting ridiculous. I've been dating her for about three months and we haven't even made out. She says she likes me and is attracted to me, but is very nervous because she perceives me as an experienced submissive and she hasn't topped anyone in a really long time. I have told her twice that we don't have to do kinky things, that we can ease into it, and that I'm super easy-going so there's no need to be anxious about it. Frankly, I think her nervousness is only part of the puzzle; she has another partner who is her main focus, so I'm starting to feel like the back burner girl she runs to when she needs comfort or company.

Seriously, though, three women in a row, is that not absolutely ridiculous? I have never experienced anything like this in all my years of dating. The first time, it's like, Huh, that's weird and kinda sucks. The second time it's like, Hmmmm.. This is becoming a pattern, WTF? The third time, well, it's getting very difficult to not wonder what is wrong with me.

This is why I am pressing 'pause' and stepping out of the game for a while. I need to assess myself and the situation, and I also need to not deal with any more bizarre and shitty-feeling relationships. It's clear to me that I need to stop futilely sending loads of energy in that direction and instead focus on feeling better in the rest of my life. I do feel pretty confident that I am a catch in many regards and all I need is the right woman to see that. Someone out there will adore all of me as I am, I just haven't met her yet, and that's okay. I have more time to work on being a balanced and healthy person, and in turn, a better and happier partner.