Monday, December 23, 2013

Current Events

It's been a while since I last posted, this is true. I was waiting for inspiration to hit so that I could share how hot things were with J, but then the holidays arrived and things pretty much derailed. I'm not big on holidays and I usually experience some depression around this time of year, and when I'm depressed, I find it really difficult to write. Plus, I haven't had sex with J in over a month now, so.... yeah.

All was well, things were hot and heavy, and she was clearly into me. The fire petered out somewhat on her end and I started seeing her maybe once a week, when before it was twice, and often it felt kind of like a booty call. That in itself is not a bad thing, but it's impossible to do any of the fun, kinky things we've talked about when tumbling into bed at 1 am, drunk after the bar. I have all these kinky things I want to do with her, all the things we could do, but I'm stuck just talking about them ad fucking nauseum because it doesn't feel like she makes time for me in this way. I get a text when she's horny and it's just a booty call, or she wants to watch a movie or something instead of using that time to do any of the zillion things we've discussed and gotten all excited about.

I'm frustrated and also confused. When we're together, she seems really into me. She is perceptive and gets me in ways most people don't, and generally seems very interested in me. We talk excitedly about all the dirty and kinky things we want to do to each other. Someone we'd just met at the bar commented that J and I had really hot chemistry. And we do! -- which is why I don't understand why she hasn't found time to have the sexytimes with me in over a month.

Okay. Here is where I 'fess up that I did something stupid and really embarrassing. I feel incredibly, profoundly stupid about how this went down, just keep that in mind as you read this and judge me for my idiocy. Anyway, she and I went out to a kinky night at a nightclub to celebrate my birthday. We dressed up, I looked especially hot in some new duds, and we had a lovely evening together. J was driving and I got pretty drunk, with the intention that said drunkenness would get me in the right space for dancing. We danced some, wound up making friends with a really nice woman we met on the dance floor, and generally had a really lovely and fun evening. I wish to god that I could have simply left it at that, and things would have been left at amazing.

We were in the car driving me home, and all was well until about 5 minutes before arriving at my house. J had to go to work really early for a meeting, so I knew we weren't going to spend the night together. I was a little bummed, of course, but we'd gotten together and had some especially hot and intimate sex a couple days before, so I was pretty satisfied that she and I had already celebrated my birthday carnally.

So, drunk me decides that I should voice something that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks, something that sober me would have approached with a hell of a lot more delicacy than what actually happened. We were in the car, almost to my house. Part of me was like, No, don't say it. Don't do it. But then this other part of me was like, No, it's how you feel, man. You gotta express that shit! ← P.S. This part of me is an idiot and really ought to be bitchslapped.

Sooooooo.. yeah, maybe you can guess what happened. I told J that I liked her a lot, which I do, probably more than I'm supposed to. Yeah, yeah, I know. If there was a book written about my life, it would be titled Hi, I Probably Like You More Than I'm Supposed To. (I don't know what, if anything, to do about that, but I'm open to suggestions)

I told J that I knew she didn't want to be tied down, but that I wanted a primary-type relationship with her. She seemed really into me when we're together and we have a close rapport, so I thought maybe she felt the same. I could totally see, based on things she said and did, that she might feel as I did. I don't regret telling her how I felt, but I REALLY regret saying it at that moment. Like, five minutes before arriving at my house, meaning we couldn't really talk about it very long and also that there was zero resolution. I woke up in the morning kicking myself and pretty much dying of embarrassment.

This happened the week before Thanksgiving, for context. I saw J a few days later, when she invited me over after I'd had a few drinks with a friend. I still felt weird about things, but she acted pretty normal. I'd eaten some food that wasn't sitting well, so the not feeling well combined with the feeling weird and awkward about the damned elephant in the room didn't make me feel like being sexual. I felt like it was basically a booty call and I pretty much wasn't feeling up to it. We wound up snuggling all night instead, which was nice.

I've barely seen her since and it's been over a month since we last had sex. In the first few months we knew each other, I was seeing her once or twice a week and having lots of sex, so this is a pretty sharp drop-off. Now... nothing, and she's 'been super busy', so I barely see her or hear from her. Granted, she's a sales manager for a retail chain, it's the busiest shopping time of the year, okay, fine. However, she's informed me that she's been on multiple dates with other people, including one that was a pre-existing friends-with-benefits thing. Seems like she is, indeed, 'too busy' -- too busy for me...

I have to say that I am really sick of people who don't make time for me. I don't feel needy in the sense that I must have all the attention all the time, it's fine if she wants to have other experiences with other people. But it stands out to me when I'm shoved to the side and I'm not getting to have any time with her. Clearly she has no time for me, but enough time for other people! The week after Thanksgiving, she was trying to apologize for work keeping her so busy that she couldn't see me, but then, that was the week she went on three dates with three other people! That doesn't sound like work keeping you busy, girl. Ahem.

At this point, I'm seriously considering ending it and cutting ties with her for a while. The only issue is that we've both joined a club in this time, one that I really would like to continue to be in, so now we have a shared social group. I kind of just want to not see or speak to her for a while, mainly because I don't want to watch just how few fucks she gives about me as she gallivants around, screwing anyone who catches her fancy.