Saturday, January 25, 2014

Miss S

Things are looking up! After a ridiculously long time talking online, my patience paid off and I finally managed a meeting with Miss S. She made the first move on Fetlife ages ago and (a bit to my surprise) has steadily pursued me since. Due to some messy complications in her life, she had to sort of disappear for a while, but she seemed like such an amazing fit, with us sharing very similar kink interests and a certain vision of service. I figured that if only I could make a meeting happen, it'd be all good from there. We talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, totally hit it off, and conversation was really easy. The time flew by, and when I got off the phone, I felt such relief from my anxiety because I could tell that we would get along really easily in person.

We met for coffee and took it with us on a walk to a nearby park, where we sat and talked. When we got cold in the shade, we walked around some more until she somewhat regretfully had to leave for other plans. She told me on the walk to my car that she was really glad we met and that she thought we'd hit it off. She gave me a couple of hugs and a flirty, sly sidelong glance as she walked away. Yay!

A D/s relationship with Miss S would be pretty amazing. She seems to be pretty into me, based on the intensity of her interest, which is reassuring. She's super adorable and even was pretty nervous the whole time (so cute when Dommes are nervous on dates!), not the intimidating, scary Domme I worried she might be. So hard to judge people with mostly just text to go by.

After meeting her, I felt that at this point, she wouldn't flake and I'm glad to say I was right! We'd only texted briefly to arrange our coffee date, so when I wanted to contact her, I decided it was better to email than text. Texts are just so immediate and demand attention, email is more leisurely. She contacted me a few days ago via text message praising me for this decision, telling me that another applicant had been blowing her phone up with texts all weekend. Yay, I love when I do things right and make Dommes happy!

I'm excited to say that I got my first rule of conduct and my first assignment. The former is regarding text messages, the latter involves studying the manual on her camera because she and I have scheduled a photo shoot in a few days! All of this is really exciting. First of all, oh man, when she was laying out texting rules and telling me to study up between then and now, I got so turned on. I'm really glad no one was around to see me because it totally affected me in my pants and I'm sure I was also blushing because I blush like it's my job. Later, I was a bit amused to discover that I was  incredibly wet. It amazes me sometimes the effect that something as simple as getting dominated a tiny bit via text can have on me. There have been times in scenes when I was literally dripping wet and making a bit of a mess on the floor.

I'm also excited about the photo shoot, as I've been dying to get into fetish photography for like two years now. I was trepidatious about approaching people to be models because I have nothing in my fetish portfolio and I didn't want to seem like a creeper. Over this time, I had some friends that I discussed doing shoots with, but those always wound up falling through for one reason or another. Now I have this, she really wants to make it happen and has been talking about it for months, so I think it's going to happen! She's wanting to get back into pro Domming* and wants a variety of photo sets to have up on the web for potential clients. So, if all goes well this week, I'll probably be asked to do at least a couple more, which is awesome and means more experience and hopefully some shots to put into a portfolio.

* I am up to my neck in pro Dommes, but I'm not complaining. :)

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Parental Awkwardness

I've never felt comfortable discussing sex, my love life, or anything like that with my mom. At the core, she's pretty open, tolerant, and even a bit freaky in the bedroom, but she's also really hard to talk to because she's usually very negative and critical. Granted, I'm also kind of private in some ways when it comes to sex, my feelings, etc., so I can get easily embarrassed if someone catches me off guard or if they venture into a mental room I usually keep guarded.

There was the time I was 14, standing at the sink doing dishes with my mom and chatting about normal stuff. Out of nowhere, she turns to me and says, "You know, if you ever have any questions about stuff, like, you know.. masturbation.. you can talk to me, right?" I honestly didn't hear anything past 'masturbation'... just turned bright red, stammered a little, and was like OMG and bee lined for my room.

When I was 19, I moved back in after she divorced my stepdad, and we were surprisingly getting along well. In her line of work, she was constantly getting packages, so getting 2 or 3 a day was nothing unusual. She was opening one in the kitchen and I asked her what she'd received. I didn't really care, because it was always boring stuff, I was just making conversation. But then she said, 'A vibrator. You want one?' Totally caught me off guard, I managed to say no, and wandered away. Whenever I think of this situation, I kick myself for not saying yes. Why didn't I say yes? I totally wanted a vibrator.

My super old-fashioned, conservative dad walked in on me masturbating once when I was 13. I was on my bed, on my stomach and humping the bunched-up blankets as I used to do, just minding my own beeswax, when my fucking dad just barges in without knocking. I basically froze and tried to act like I was doing anything but what I was actually doing, but probably looked really guilty, because he got suspicious and asked what I was up to. I tried to say 'nothing', but he kept pushing, and made me roll over because I guess he thought I was hiding something. Several mortifying moments passed, where I watched his face and I saw him make the connection when I revealed the bunch of blankets. He looked at me briefly, with a grim and embarrassed look on his face, and left. This is one of those times when you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole. I am still unbelievably mortified that this happened.

As a grown-ass adult, my current step-father would kick me out of the house so he could watch his porn on cable... the worst was when my mom was gone and he was not only watching porn loudly in the living room (I mean, ew, what if I had to use the bathroom?), but when he came, he fucking hollered that shit to the rafters. I don't like him that much anyway because he's generally a classless tool, and I was so appalled by that. It bothered me so much that I brought it up to my mom, and she was like, 'Do you think it's appropriate that you're discussing my husband masturbating with me?' and I was like 'WAIT, LET ME FINISH..' and then she was like, 'Oh. Yeah. I'll talk to him.' Gross.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

It's Love... Surprise!

I took an online personality test a couple of months ago, you know, as one does when killing time on the internet. Anyway, it was accurate and pegged me as a Dreamy Idealist, which I actually wound up finding to be a pretty positive and validating thing to read. One sentence really stood out to me and I've been thinking about it since:
"Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head-over-heels, but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love."
This statement lead me to review my experiences with love and just as I was realizing that it was true, a light went off in my head and I had a sudden insight. It's true that I don't usually fall head-over-heels; it's something that's happened twice and something I've found to be ridiculously elusive. Usually what happens is that I don't even realize that I'm in love with someone until they're gone, we've broken up, or whatever. It winds up being clear to me in hindsight, particularly when I'm hit with all the shattered-love grief afterwards, but I honest-to-god do not realize I'm in love at the time. Even when I'm constantly monitoring my feelings to ensure they stay appropriate (like not having feelings for unavailable people, not falling for friends who don't reciprocate, etc.), I somehow am totally blinded to it, even when I'm specifically paying attention. It's so weird!

Reading the above-quoted statement, it made me realize that I apparently just fall in love with people in a really sneaky way. I had assumed that the head-over-heels love was 'true love', so I would be very confused to find myself dealing with love-like feelings at the exit, because I had felt totally in control the whole time. It would seem that I love people in a more reserved way, that I only rarely lose my head. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give and it's true, I don't like to hold back when I care deeply enough about someone to call it 'love', platonic relationships included. My feeling is that love should be shared and that there should be more love in the world, not less! And maybe I'm freer with love than is probably safe for my heart, but I honestly don't care to spend a lot of time dissecting exactly what 'love' means with each person. I just want to love, and so I do.

Knowing this, I'm armed a bit against future sneak attacks. I understand how I work a little bit better, and perhaps it will help me guard my heart a little better in the future.

Friday, January 10, 2014


Today I had coffee with that Domme I've been talking to forever. Her life's been a bit of a mess, so things just kept getting put off, but I'm very glad to say that we finally met and that things went super well! She is vibrant and pretty easy-going, much less intimidating than I thought and quite easy to talk to. I was definitely attracted to her and enjoyed her company, and she made it clear that she liked me and that she felt we'd hit it off. So, yay! This is the first situation that feels like what I'm looking for, since my last service relationship ended almost two years ago. I actually feel like it's an extraordinarily good fit and the intensity of her interest leads me to believe she does, too, so I'm hoping that things will get rolling now that we've met in person at last.