Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Abrupt Ending

I've been practicing poly relationships for a few years now, with mixed results. Part of my displeasure is that I keep finding only secondary-type relationships and it's starting to wear on me a bit. What I've come to realize is that I need something a lot more safe and stable, like a primary relationship, to be able to date as I have been.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I recently started a service relationship and things have been super good. The thing is, my Ma'am has a Sir, and he takes precedence over everything and frustratingly places limits on our relationship and on her behavior in general. My Ma'am and I had clear communication about what our relationship was; non-romantic D/s with sex, play, and friendship.

A few days ago, I was over at her house to both hang out and to do a few things for her. Gave her a massage, had sexytimes, and then I got to folding her laundry. While I was doing that and putting clothes away, she was playing on her phone and made it quite clear that she was on OKCupid. Started telling me about this one hot person who messaged her, but she hadn't gotten back to them... and then it was another really hot person that she wanted to fuck.. and so on.

It bothered me a lot and felt disrespectful, so we began to talk about it, but she basically told me to check myself and to "remember what we are". Seeing that the response was 'suck it up, buttercup' only made it worse for me and I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I should mention again that I have alexithymia, which I explain to all new people in my life, and this makes it nearly impossible for me to discuss how I feel in difficult moments like this. It takes me some time to process and think about it, before I know what's going on.

I tried to hide how bad I felt until I left, because I needed time to sort it out. By the time I got home, I was angry and really hurt. I wrote about it in my journal, which helped me find words for what I was feeling: disrespected, angry, hurt. Not only that, but the feelings were really strong and it felt like a big deal... I knew we'd have to have a conversation.

I'd wanted to do it in person, but she called me because she said it was unfair to tell her that I was upset and then not talk about it. Anyway, I kept trying to tell her that it felt really disrespectful of my time. Like, I don't see her every day and the time that we spend together is precious to me. When we're together, she has my undivided attention, and I would never be browsing OKC while I was with her because it feels disrespectful and wrong.

She kept turning everything into me being jealous. 'Okay, you feel disrespected because you feel jealousy,' kind of thing. I tried to explain that I have certain limits when it comes to my partners dating other people, such as I don't really want to know the details and I have an expectation that they won't be trolling for new fucks while with me. I don't think that's all that much to ask, but it turns out she is totally unwilling to change her behavior.

She said that doing so would cross over into girlfriend territory, that she refuses to censor herself that way for anyone in any non-girlfriend relationship, and if I can't deal with it, then this isn't going to work. I personally feel like this is a hard limit for me; I don't want to know the details and I certainly don't want to discuss all the 'hot' people my partner is sleeping with or whatever. Do what you're gonna do, but I don't need a play-by-play, you know?

I feel strongly about this as a limit and I think this is going to be a dealbreaker for both of us. I am pretty sure that I can't live how she wants me to, and she is unwilling to change to increase my happiness or comfort. And let me tell you, it really fucking sucks, because she is SO awesome and wonderful and hot, and everything else is amazing.

I slept on it and then sent her a text the next day, to remind her to make a doctor appointment as she requested of me, but also to say that we needed to talk. I said that it didn't have to be immediately, but I didn't want to ambush her on our next day together, and that I thought that we should put things on hold until that happened. Usually, she's piercingly good at reading my feelings, but this time, she said that I blindsided her. "Whoa. What's going on?"

I told her that I was upset and unhappy with what had happened. She took a break and called me. Our phone conversation went much like the previous evening's; it felt like she was having an odd knee-jerk defensive reaction and wasn't really hearing me. As I kept trying to explain my position, she kept cutting me off or interrupting me, both unusual behaviors for her, but leaving me with the feeling that she wasn't really hearing me.

I told her that I want a form of a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy and that I have the expectation of my partners not trolling for new fucks with me right there. Since our time together is somewhat limited, I feel that her focus should be on me, plus with my obsessive brain, knowing less information about things is simply much better to prevent my brain from going nuts.

I've since discussed this with other people, including experienced poly folk, and I now feel certain that what I'm asking is not ridiculous, inappropriate, or whatever. Even though she told me that censoring herself that way, or not browsing OKC in my presence, 'crosses the boundary into a romantic relationship', I and other people don't share this feeling. If one partner is uncomfortable with something, the other partner should be reasonably accommodating. Not sharing details is not just something reserved for primary relationships, it's a respect and consideration thing for all relationships. I didn't think of it until after, but my friends don't unapologetically trample all over my feelings.

I realized later that she didn't even think about it before answering. Didn't stop to consider everything that she'd be tossing away to maintain her hard-line stance. I've become a big part of her life and she has started to lean on me and to need me... like, does she really have any idea what it'll mean going forward if we split? I can't help but feel that she hasn't considered just how much she'll miss me and my service, and just how much she has come to rely on it.

Right after this conversation, she defriended me on Facebook. Really? Are we in high school? She told me it was for 'privacy' and that completely set me off. Privacy for and from what? What the fuck do you have to say that I can't see? It's all the more ironic and hurtful because she and I had had a conversation about us being very private people and strongly disliking being discussed by others. So, now I get to think about her saying who-knows-what about me/us to a bunch of people who know me. Super fucking mature and awesome, thanks.

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