Thursday, July 10, 2014

Onward

When my service ended recently, I was a little afraid that I'd have too much time on my hands. Two days per week were Ma'am-related alone, plus all her bootblacking events and the unscheduled times that she would request my service. My schedule felt pretty full, so I dreaded the sudden idleness. I hated that feeling when service to ex-Mistress ended; I put in so much time there per week that its absence was uncomfortable. Too much time on my hands is never a good thing, especially when I'm going through the ending of a relationship.

Happily, though, the holes in my schedule have been filled in by other things, without effort, and I haven't really felt like I miss the service. There are certain things I'm sad about and that I'll miss, especially the lost opportunity to be her bootblack apprentice, but there are a bunch of things I am quite honestly glad to not have to deal with anymore.

I never voiced it or let on, but her Sir was really beginning to annoy the fuck out of me. It started with the limitation that I couldn't go down on her or fuck her ass ("his", he said), but then continued to add further limitations like she had to ask permission to have me spend the night (which, considering that it never happened, seemed something he was not freely permitting). Then there came a work night curfew for social media and TV, which then turned into an additional visitor curfew of 9 pm. She got home at 7:30, so if I came over because she wanted something, I would only have an hour and a half to spend with her.

THEN, there were the times that he totally cockblocked me. Annoyingly, they were in constant contact via text. I was second fiddle to that phone of hers and the stupid 'ding!' that signaled a text from him. So, there were evenings when she and I were saucy with one other all night, knowing that we were totally going to go home and leap on each other. I don't know if she expressed this in their texting throughout the night or if he picked up on it, but "Sir" would proclaim near the end of the night that he wanted a Skype date when she got home, meaning instead of getting to fall into bed with her, I got sent home at the curb. That or he would declare, while I was with her, that he wanted her to come for him later on Skype, effectively cockblocking me once more. Not to mention the times that I got kicked out because she had to Skype with him.

I won't lie, I totally resented his presence in our relationship. I worked to accept it because it was a non-negotiable part of things, but I discovered it increasingly irksome to constantly have someone else's hands in my relationship. I mean, poly is challenging enough as it is, without the meddling, but this was just a recipe for resentment on my end. It's one thing if the person is my Domme and issuing orders; I might not like them, but I accept them because the person is my Domme. "Sir" was not my Dom and his infringement on my liberties was a thorn in my side.  I thought some of the rules were just plain arbitrary... like, I could fist and fuck her pussy, but not go down on her. The day things went to shit, she told me she wanted to work toward ass worship, so licking her ass is apparently okay, but fucking it isn't? I could fuck one, but not lick it and lick the other, but not fuck it. What?

He was going to come and visit for a couple of weeks in September and she stated she was taking that time off work while he was here. I was very unsure about what this meant for me and her, possibly my not really seeing her for a couple of weeks, other than a Folsom-related event I was supposed to help her with. I was a little sad at not seeing her, but mostly relieved because I didn't want to hang out with him. She and I had discussed her upcoming move and she offered a place for me in her new life with him, but it was little comfort. I just had no desire to have anything to do with him in real life. His cyber presence at a distance was already intrusive and irritating. I also had a feeling that I would be expected to defer to him as she does and I was not interested in having any part of that. Not my dominant, don't even like him, no thanks.

There are other things I won't miss; lugging that heavy bootblack stand in and out of places, being unpleasantly cold/hot and bored at bars while she blacked, being an unknowing accomplice in not tipping bartenders that served us all night, and that disgustingly dirty house and her super lazy, filthy roommates. I spent two hours cleaning her personal bathroom and four hours cleaning the kitchen -- and didn't even finish all that really should have been done. Four hours in a small kitchen is ridiculous. That place is so gross and depressing.

It's obvious, as I hash it out now, that it wouldn't have worked. It's fortunate that it happened now, only a month and a half in, rather than later, when both of us would be more attached. Not to mention, she was planning to move home, a few states away, next May. I was seriously dreading a repeat of all the feelings brought up by helping ex-Mistress pack up and seeing her off. Even if things went a million times better, it would still feel shitty; it's her going on to a shiny new life and me left behind, once again.

Instead, I'm back to what I was doing before: trying to expand my kinky social circle. I'm cultivating new friendships and focusing my service toward the community. I love my leather club and it feels really good to be around them, so I'm working on participating more and have taken on some volunteer opportunities, including being our volunteer coordinator for Folsom Street Fair. Things are pretty good.

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