Fairness

The way I was raised, by my mother's example, no gift is given freely. Drilled into my head and extremely difficult to shake, even when it upsets my partners and doesn't serve me well, is that every gift given garners some sort of debt.  I've thus spent my life with a mental tally sheet -- not so much because I'm concerned about whether I'm getting my share, but because I want things to be fair and that everyone involved be happy and satisfied.

When I originally broached the subject of providing service in exchange for beatings, it took the form of 'trade'.  And, as trade, it is important to me that Mistress feels that I am working adequately to pay for her time and energy.  With weekly playdates, it put me well behind in terms of hours worked and what I would owe for a session.

Things have evolved, I feel, into more of a personal service relationship rather than a tit-for-tat straight trade.  What I mean by that, 'straight trade', is strictly business.  I recently had a brief discussion with her regarding how I feel that things are perhaps more fair now that I have play dates every other week, in terms of the hours I'm able to work in that time.  She thought about it and, bless her, she told me that she didn't think of it that way.

So, even though things were originally broached as a trade situation, to my delight, things have, in reality, become more of a personal service situation.  After talking with her, I feel I can relax somewhat on keeping a mental tally, of fairness, and know that she's satisfied.

Spanking? Yes, please!

There is likely a variety of reasons why someone might enjoy spanking (on either end of the deal). A spanker might be naturally dominant, enjoy power exchange, enjoy inflicting pain, enjoy the sensual, intimate aspects of spanking, etc. A spankee might be naturally submissive, enjoy handing the reins over to someone else, find the pain and the process to be physically arousing, perhaps they’ve fetishized childhood punishments, or something else. Some people may not be all that into the spanking itself, but find their partner’s reactions to be incredibly arousing, so they do it not so much because they love spanking, but because they are turned on by the intense physical reaction from the spankee.

As someone on the submissive end of the kink spectrum, I can say from personal experience that there’s something deeply satisfying and arousing about the dynamic during a spanking. I have issues with control; I have a tight rein on everything during my normal life and it’s difficult for me to loosen that up. It’s due to this control that I struggle with allowing myself to be vulnerable, even in good, trusting relationships, and even in bed. Being the submissive one in a “scene” is like having a weight lifted off me for a time.. I pass on that control and I feel a grateful bliss.
 
I do have a small dominant streak and I have tried my hand at spanking; I enjoy it when the mood strikes. I think what I like about it is being the one in power/control and being able to inflict a bit of pain that turns the other person on.

My last two girlfriends were not naturally dominant (the last one identified as a submissive), but once they saw how my body responded to their taking control and spanking me, they really quickly got on board and both of them came to love doing it.

I’m pretty sure my draw to being spanked (amongst other elements, such as craving punishment, discipline, and enjoying some humiliation during spankings) is due to my father beating me with a belt on my bare butt when I was little. These beatings were extraordinarily traumatic to me at the time, and not something I would intentionally take along into adulthood. I mean, as much as I have been spanked and enjoyed it, I have always thought I would draw the line if my top broke out a belt. Too close to home, you know?
 
I make the connection because of the elements I mentioned above. Like, a spanking for no reason is great, but man, if you add in the element of punishment, it’s like over-the-top hot for me. I’ve long pondered my interest in kink, BDSM, spanking. I don’t remember when it began, when I realized that it turned me on. It’s just always been fascinating and arousing.

In terms of whether fetishizing childhood punishments is positive or negative, I think it depends on the individual. To me, it’s like someone who has been raped that has rape fantasies. You have your traumatic event, then you have to work through it. Part of me sees either situation as being dependent on some factors. If the person is relatively healthy and is not still devastated by the trauma, I don’t see that as being negative. Under the right conditions, I think exploring this fetish with a healthy mindset is a way of working through the trauma in a safe environment. If the person hasn’t healed, it may be cathartic as well, but I would be afraid that that sort of play might rip open the wounds, rather than being therapeutic.

Lastly, I will say that I have mixed feelings about my own abuse and later fetishes. I find it a little creepy and gross, in how it started. I mean, if I think of the abuse, it is not at all a turn on and it kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach. I guess it feels kind of weird when I analyze it, because I pretty much know where it all began (thanks, Dad!). However, I know enough psychology to recognize that it’s not a bad way to have processed this trauma. I could have gone other routes.. to become an abuser, or self-abusing through substances, or whatever. I guess my point is, in my case, that it’s probably not the most positive thing, but I’m trying to turn it into one by exploring the fetish in safe, comfortable ways.