Thursday, October 06, 2005

Trouble in Paradise

Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon in my last post. I should know by now that there is no such thing as "easy" when it comes to relationships. It has to be some sort of record for me; not even two weeks and already I'm fucking things up. I'm sure a lot of it is of my own devising, but I wish I understood what happened. Last week, after a particularly lovely afternoon having lunch in the arboretum, MC and I came back to my place and after a bit of making out, we ended up in bed. After an athletic round of sex, we were lying there and she kind of freaked out and started crying. It was mostly her fears of her feelings for me and of being hurt, compounded by some other unrelated issues. She was unconsolable and cried for a while, but eventually she felt better after talking about things and being reassured.

At the time, I was more concerned about her feelings than my own, and so I didn't realize for a few days that what happened freaked me out. Things had been developing so well up to that point, and I definitely had feelings for her. I don't know what it was about it, but that afternoon, it was like someone threw cold water on me. Feelings, poof.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about my current state. Personally, I think it's fucked up. At the very least, I think it's highly unfair to MC, so I have been struggling with it. It's like one of those orgasms that you build up to and know is going to be so great, then all of a sudden, it's just... gone. It defies logic, really.. how can I want and not want someone at the same time? I think she's a great girl and I really want to be romantically involved with her, but I don't seem to be able to get my original feelings back. How does one go from really liking someone to feeling nothing in such a short period of time? If I felt something once, is it possible to get that back if I'm patient? It's not even like emotion or crying freaks me out, so I don't understand my reaction, or why it happening when it did should have such an extinguishing effect on my feelings.

For one, I feel a lot of pressure. Pressure to figure out what is going on with me, pressure to make a decision, pressure to spare MC's feelings, pressure to explain to her what's going on with me without hurting her feelings. Unfortunately, I don't always respond positively to pressure. As unfun as it is being in the center of this, I can only imagine what it looks like to MC, from the outside. Mixed signals, the appearance that I'm jerking her around, that I don't value her.. the great irony is I don't think I'm capable of showing or telling her just how much I do value her, or that I need some time because she deserves someone who isn't half-assing it. I can't fathom that it's been less than two weeks, because it just feels like so much longer. Part of the pressure is that I know just how much she likes me, and that she is waiting for me to make up my fucking mind already so she can relax and enjoy her feelings.

When put in the 'less than two weeks' perspective, I can't help but wonder why we're at this point already. What happened to taking our time to date and get to know each other? But on the other hand, when I think about the things I need right now, space and time to think, it's not like I don't have them already, or that she isn't willing to let me have them. However, I know I am not doing a good job explaining myself to her, which only makes things worse and adds more pressure. She's sensitive, and I know she has feelings for me. Feelings she's fighting because of my indecisiveness and internal conflict.

What's odd to me is that, had my feelings not changed, I would be perfectly happy where we are. When compared to my behavior and reactions in previous relationships, I know damn well that the things that make me want to step on the brakes with MC would not bother me much, or at all, if I was riding the bliss of being with someone I really like. I've been trying to not let on that I'm not so sure anymore, but what I'm most afraid of is hurting her. My intention is not to hurt her or lead her on, so the other day I finally broached the subject. The conversation didn't go very well, mainly because when it comes down to it, I really suck at disclosing and/or explaining my feelings and the craziness inside my head. I don't even really understand my own reaction to that afternoon. How do you explain to someone that you have an On/Off switch that you didn't even know existed?

I asked her for some space and some time, but couldn't explain that I needed those things despite the fact that in some ways, she's giving me a fair amount of leeway. It's just that while I have the freedom on paper, she doesn't seem to understand what I mean by 'space'. She's somewhat clingy, but it's definitely not that she's smothering, because ordinarily, I think I'd like the clinginess and affection. It's not that she's not giving me space, just in some ways, I feel like it's not okay for me to need more. I know it hurts her feelings, and I know she's really unhappy with me right now. She went out of town to visit some friends, and I decided to take the opportunity for time in solitude to think things over. I don't know how to explain to her my intense need for solitude, without her taking it personally. I mean, I'm well aware that we're in the phase of the relationship when I should be wanting more time with her, not less.

She called me on her way back to town, and the conversation went pretty well, at least up until the point where she asked how the space thing was going. I had mentioned my need for alone time in a previous conversation, so that it wouldn't be a huge surprise when I had to take it. So I spent about a day out of communication with MC, thinking things over, trying to relax, trying to relieve some of the pressure. It was working, actually, and part of me wished I had one more day because I suspected it would help quite a bit. So when she asked me yesterday how it was going, I didn't know how to respond, so I went ahead and asked for two days. Only I think maybe I was too blunt, because it was clear her feelings were hurt. The way she told me in a faux-casual voice to take the time I needed, and then added in an unhappy tone that I could take a month, made me feel like such a bitch.

That's where we are now. Obviously, I'm not good with translating my thoughts and feelings with tact, and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Everything is put together and it has all the elements I want, except for the nagging fact that most of the time, I don't feel what I should. I have no plan and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking it would be more fair to her to simply be friends in order to spare her my emotional freakishness, but I don't want to be just friends. Maybe that's selfish of me. Oy.

This post is definitely longer than I intended; the truth is, I have had no one to talk to and I have desperately needed to discuss this, even if just with myself.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Some BDSM Resources

I compiled this list because MC wanted to do some reading on the subject. I figured I'd post it in case anyone is curious and doesn't know where to start.

BDSM Scenarios
The Good Girl's Guide to Female Domination
Leather and Roses: BDSM Resources Site
BDSM Resources
BDSM Beginners
BDSM Info on
Advice to a Novice Dominant
BDSM Handbook
Introduction to Spanking