Monday, August 29, 2011


The way I was raised, by my mother's example, no gift is given freely. Drilled into my head and extremely difficult to shake, even when it upsets my partners and doesn't serve me well, is that every gift given garners some sort of debt.  I've thus spent my life with a mental tally sheet -- not so much because I'm concerned about whether I'm getting my share, but because I want things to be fair and that everyone involved be happy and satisfied.

When I originally broached the subject of providing service in exchange for beatings, it took the form of 'trade'.  And, as trade, it is important to me that Mistress feels that I am working adequately to pay for her time and energy.  With weekly playdates, it put me well behind in terms of hours worked and what I would owe for a session.

Things have evolved, I feel, into more of a personal service relationship rather than a tit-for-tat straight trade.  What I mean by that, 'straight trade', is strictly business.  I recently had a brief discussion with her regarding how I feel that things are perhaps more fair now that I have play dates every other week, in terms of the hours I'm able to work in that time.  She thought about it and, bless her, she told me that she didn't think of it that way.

So, even though things were originally broached as a trade situation, to my delight, things have, in reality, become more of a personal service situation.  After talking with her, I feel I can relax somewhat on keeping a mental tally, of fairness, and know that she's satisfied.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


One of the most unexpected things I've found while exploring this whole service thing is how comfortable and how safe it feels to be fully myself. Not just the parts of me that are silly or dorky or that I often keep to myself for fear of judgment or whatnot. I mean that I'm free to fully be myself, in the broadest sense. Most surprisingly, what I'm finding is how freeing and safe it feels to be as giving of myself as I want.

It's 'weird', but I have a deep need to give and to do. I need to feel helpful, useful, and wanted. I'm someone who really enjoys giving, making others happy, and, honestly, I enjoy putting others ahead of myself. I don't know how to describe it, other than it just doesn't feel right any other way. Not to mention, I have difficulty expressing my feelings, so the primary way that I show people I care for them is to do things.  I realize now that I am a service-oriented submissive; I love being helpful, useful, needed.  I love to make the lives of the people I care for easier and I want them to know that they are loved and appreciated.

The problem has been that it has, historically, been extremely unsafe for me to be this way in most of my vanilla relationships, including my familial ones.  It's tough being a person who thrives on the things I do, particularly when people can be so selfish and so easily take advantage.  I've spent a lot of time trying to please the people I care about, but never without danger and rarely in a healthy manner.

I started this life very idealistic and naive and I've had to harden myself up quite a bit. I learned that I had to withhold things and to stay guarded.  I look back over my life and there's a lot of being taken advantage of or being taken for granted. Being manipulated or even abused by those who recognized the right buttons to push.  It took me way too long, but after all the shit I went through in my last romantic relationship, I finally reached my limit and found the balls to stand up for myself. I am honestly totally fed up and no longer willing to take shit off of people.

So, it's ironic to me, that after becoming so guarded, that I suddenly feel really safe being open, giving, and totally myself.

I don't know why I'm this way, but it gives me great pleasure to make other people happy.  I love showing people I pay attention to them by attending to their desires. I particularly love if I can read someone and provide what they want or need without them even having to speak a word. The reward of someone's delight, the awe of my remembering their preferences, is so worth the time and energy!

I have worked in the service industry for a very long time and I don't think it's any coincidence that a) I am drawn to this line of work or b) that I'm pretty good at it.  Being thoughtful, anticipating someone's desires, remembering the things they like or how they like them, going a step or two beyond what is expected with the hope of putting a smile on someone's face... all of these are things I naturally do for those I care about.  It's just that it hasn't always worked out very well for me.

Perhaps it's because I have empathic tendencies, but another thing is that I can't be happy if the people around me aren't happy.  It also feels selfish to put myself ahead of someone else and I just feel much more comfortable if I let another person have first pick over me. I do have self-sacrificing tendencies, in that I'm happy to put myself second if I can be of service for someone or something greater than myself. I'm drawn to service, to helping others, and I'm most happy when I can do that.

A couple of my friends have cautioned me to be careful, afraid that I might get taken advantage of. I assure them that they don't understand because if they did, they'd see there's no worry at all. Mistress is so wonderful and has only my best interests at heart. She is extremely giving, kind, and thoughtful, so it is my absolute pleasure to look after her. I know that I can approach her with any concerns and I also know that she has my back and is looking out for me.

What they also don't understand is the amazing feeling that comes from being fully recognized. For the first time, I'm free to be myself because someone finally sees who I am and understands my need to give. Not only that, but I feel like Mistress knows that what I have to offer is given of myself as a gift. It's this difference of perspective -- gracefully accepting someone's gift, rather than taking what's on offer without any thought -- that makes all the difference.

It's really the most marvelous feeling and so freeing to be able to be totally myself! I can do what I love -- giving, doing, putting others ahead of myself -- and feel totally safe and comfortable.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Mistress gave me an assignment this week, to write about what, in our sessions, that I'm finding that I like most and least.  The issue for me is that this is not at all a simple question with an easy answer. There are a great many variables to take into account. So, much like when she asked me this question, post-beating when I was feeling stoned and spacy, I ponder this question and find it really difficult to answer simply.

I think the conclusion I've come to is that, so far, there isn't anything I don't like. I enjoy all of the different sensations and I like that she switches things up and varies them. There are things I don't like as much as others, but it so happens that those things cause her obvious delight and I like hearing her laugh and have a good time much more than I dislike any activity.  So, no complaints and nothing I want less of. (that is my honest answer and not a cop-out to avoid answering the question)

On the other side of the coin, there are way too many things I love -- haha... -- and I will try to narrow it down..

While I like all of the implements and sensations, if I had to pick, I think my most favorite thing is when she pulls my hair and spanks me at the same time. There is something super hot about that and it feels really good.  I do so love to have my hair pulled...

Barehanded spankings are at the top of my list, but I do enjoy the differing sensations of the other weapons and I enjoy not knowing what's coming next.  I love being bound, tied or held down, the various cuffs and restraints, being blindfolded. I also really love when she banters with me throughout. I love the marks afterwards and the sore nipples, my private souvenirs, especially when she makes them on purpose.  I love her awareness of the senses; the scratching, the caressing, or the deliciousness of well-timed application of ice on very red, hot, and sore skin.

I really have no complaints whatsoever and I pretty much enjoy being on the receiving end of whatever she feels like doling out at the time. It's all so good, so masterfully orchestrated, I always leave feeling seriously bowled over at how fucking amazing things were.  I wander out of there spacy, floaty, high, more than satisfied, and deeply grateful to her for her skill, time, and energy. Also a little bit of wondering how I got to be so lucky, because I really am!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Three Mistresses

There are times where I feel emotionally out-of-sorts and I just don't feel like myself. I cast around trying to figure out what I need to feel better.. Do I want alcohol? No.. Do I want weed?  No.. Junk food? No.. Masturbation?  No..  I'll simply be feeling agitated and cranky, with no solution. I go through the list of possible remedies and none of it's right.

Well, at least until I land on being beaten.  I'm not quite used to that being the answer sometimes and I'm also not sure exactly why it is, but quite honestly, being spanked is exactly what I need sometimes.

I've been having a couple of rough weeks emotionally, due to various things that keep happening one after another.. hormones, my stupid job, trying to wean myself off weed so that I can get a new job (pre-employment drug screen), and subsequently, not enough sleep.  I've been very irritable and bitchy and basically not at all myself.  Mistress, the wonderful, perceptive woman that she is, recognized that I needed to be beaten and made time to do just that.

I arrived at the Domme house and we hung out and socialized a bit with one of her Domme friends, to whom she extended the invitation to knock on the door if the friend felt like spanking someone. I was amused and, I admit, hoping it would happen. We headed upstairs to the room she'd picked out for the evening.  This room consists of a couch and a spanking horse that has been affectionately and humorously dubbed 'the rape rack'. I encourage you to say it out loud, it's pretty fun. Rape rack!

She had me move the spanking horse more into the middle of the room and then laid some towels over it, all the while giving me playful and meaningful looks. I still get shy and blushy, especially at the beginning of our sessions. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to just strip off so that she doesn't have to ask, but it feels kind of weird and awkward to do that without any sort of instruction, so I like to wait until she tells me to undress.

Get on spanking horse, tied down. Mitten cuff things. Blindfolded. Fingernails scraping my skin, caresses. Starts spanking, easy at first. Whip.. bare hand.. paddle.. spanking my ass, thighs, shoulders, pussy. Warming me up.

Tickling because she likes to see me squirm. Beating me all over with various implements.. paddle, slapper, rubber flogger, leather flogger. She then stopped, walked out of the room, closing the door and leaving me strapped down and blindfolded.  She was gone for a while, leaving me wondering what she was doing.

Returns and lights a clove cigarette, brushing the tip over my skin, the warm, reddened skin of my shoulders and ass. I've discovered I love the fear and danger of this. I trust Mistress implicitly and I know that she is expert at what she does, yet there is still an element of fear, which is oddly arousing.

A knock at the door, making me chuckle a little. Another Mistress popped in to ask about a particularly evil implement -- the dragon tail -- that she was looking for. After she left, Mistress told me that she'd told the other ladies to not hesitate to knock and come in for anything they might need. Anything at all, she chuckled.

Great, I said, laughing. That was very nice of you.

Well, of course, we can't deny them things if they need them for clients.. she playfully replied.

More beating, tickling.. dripping water and champagne on me, then the harsh, extra stinging slaps of an implement against wet skin. Spanking my feet, my pussy, my inner thighs.

Then.. another knock at the door.  Mistress' friend entered. They began discussing me and my red ass, Mistress saying that I'd been pretty quiet so far, but that I was warmed up and that I'd scream for her.

What followed was mind-blowingly hot and awesome!  The two of them proceeded to torture me in the most delicious ways.. scratching, biting, spanking, hair pulling.. all the while laughing and talking about me almost like I wasn't there. I always imagined that would be super hot, and it was.  I gasped to feel lips and teeth on my neck.. a very sharp pinch of a bite which is now raised, bruised, and sore (no complaints here.. I love souvenirs!). I almost died with pleasure when I felt lips wrap around my toes, then the delicious sensation of them being sucked.

The two of them were having a blast torturing me (okay, I was having a blast being tortured, as well!); scratching, poking, tickling. If that weren't enough, there was another knock at the door, mid-torture. Another Mistress came in to join in the fun.  I've mentioned how lucky of a girl I am, right??  Holy shit.. the three of them, I lost track of what was going on. Some time during all this, Mistress applied clothespins to my nipples.  Pleasure and pain at the same time. Loads of scratching and beating, but wonderful, pleasurable, sensual things at the same time. Stroking, soft female bodies against my bare skin, their laughter and giggles tickling my ears as they teased and tortured me.

They poured champagne over my back and then licked it off, but that was short-lived and I received some sharp bites. Nails raking the skin on my back, my ass, and my thighs. Tickling in earnest to make me struggle and fight my bonds, but pretty much in vain, as I was tied down and unable to escape.

I so didn't want it to end. It was beyond amaaaaaaaazing!  The funny thing was that I really didn't feel shy or embarrassed at all.  I do have an exhibitionist streak once I get over my shyness and self-consciousness and truthfully, I'd had a fantasy about being dominated and tortured by more than one woman at a time.

When it was all over, my entire back side (back, ass, and legs) was warm and red.  I have so many marks all over, which I love!  Several really decent bite marks, some serious scratches, and my skin is plenty sensitive all over, even if there are no marks to be seen.

That was so much fun.. so intense, but ridiculously hot and amazing. :)

Monday, August 08, 2011

The Arsenal

So, Mistress has this 'toy bag', as she calls it.. which is really a big black rapier bag. She pulled it out and sat it in her dining room, where it sat for a week or more, making me insanely curious as to what was inside.  Finally, we had a session last Friday and she instructed me to bring it so we could go through it together. Do you know what was inside?  KINKY CHRISTMAS!!  Holy crap, I'm so lucky. :P

Here is her personal arsenal. After our last session, I was instructed to take the bag home and to organize it. There wasn't much to do in that regard, so I think this was mainly so that I'd have some private time to check everything out.  I took the opportunity to photograph the cornucopia of weaponry...