Dirty Vocab

I'm hugely into language, words, and vocabulary. Here are some fun and unusual words with which to pepper your future conversations:

1. bathycolpian /bath ik ALL pee an/: having deep cleavage
2. callipygian /kal ip EYE gee an/: having a nice ass
3. gaucy /GOSS ee/: fat and attractive
4. lovertine /LUV er teen/: addicted to sex
5. mammose /mam OSE/: having big breasts (different from bathycolpian, in that no cleavage need be formed)
6. mastigophoric /mass tig o FOR ik/: whip-wielding
7. meable /MEE uh bull/: easily penetrated (not explicitly sexual, but very well-suited to innuendo)
8. omnifutuant /om nee FOO tyoo ant/: prone to engage in sexual activity with anything
9. paphian /PAY fee an/: having to do with illicit love
10. peccable /PEK uh bul/: liable to sin (opposite of impeccable, in its original meaning)
11. rammish /RAM ish/: lustful, like a ram
12. steatopygous /stee at OP ig us/: having a big ass
13. syndyasmian /sin die AZ mee an/: pertaining to promiscuous sexual pairing, or to the temporary cohabitation of couples
14. thelypthoric /thel ip THOR ik/: morally corruptive to women

The End

Mistress is moving soon and this is something that I have been avoiding thinking about. I've yet to really process it, mainly because every time I pause for a moment and really think about it, tears come to my eyes. I can't think about it, because I cannot break down yet. I know Mistress is suffering, too, and I want to be positive and pleasant and to make the most out of what time we have left together, for it to be enjoyable for everyone.

How to express what this relationship means to me, how hard the loss of it will hit me?  It's not something I can discuss with just anyone; this relationship is complex and multi-faceted and includes elements that most people wouldn't understand. Most of the people I know would not understand what it means to lose one's Mistress. I honestly don't really have the words to cover what my feelings encompass, even to those who might understand. I am trying to not despair, but this huge change is looming on the horizon and it approaches closer every day.

I think of everything, how I found a really wonderful place where I fit and I am loved, how I've become part of the family. How easy things are, how comfortable. I can't fathom yet how much of a void will exist once they are gone, but I know it will be deep and black and painful. I cannot even allow myself to try to imagine life once they're gone... not seeing them, not being involved in their lives, the thought of them no longer nearby... it's a frighteningly cold, empty feeling. I shake my fist at the unfairness of it all; how can this be happening, when I only just met her and things only just got started?

Like a child, I sit here, my face crumpling and tears escaping my eyes, as I think, 'But I don't want it to end! Why does it have to end?'

I suppose I would be less upset if this weren't the story of my life, a pattern that repeats over and over and over in a most unfair way. I meet someone wonderful, someone stellar and uniquely suited for me, like a present from the universe. I get to revel in the joy of their company for a brief, marvelous, golden time and then, due to some circumstance out of my control, I get left, dumped, or otherwise am forced to give up the relationship.  This is why I am so bitter when it comes to relationships -- because the ones that I want, the best ones, I never get to have. AND.. to add insult to injury, they seem to end in really unfair ways.

When it comes to Mistress, there are so many levels of compatibility that are exactly right, at least for me. I've been encouraged to date and play with others, so I've kept my eyes and mind open, yet no one comes even close. I've felt for a long time that I was extraordinarily lucky in landing how I did; I looked around at what else was out there and there wasn't anything better than what I'd found, not even close.

It's all so perfect and wonderful and such a positive, amazing part of my life. I love being in her service. I love everything about it... who she is, her husband, the animals, the whole household. They are all so wonderful and sweet. Everything about it is so good for me; I get someone to take care of in a really safe way, where I'm not abused or taken advantage of. I get to be useful and helpful, but best of all, I get to be these things for someone who really deserves it and is appreciative of my efforts.  Mistress is always giving, caring, doing for others and I see my role as following behind and making sure that she is taken care of.

Everything is just so beautifully balanced, we each have our part to fill, but it seems so easy and so right. It's like a romantic relationship, that panicked, sinking feeling of 'Oh my god, I found this person who is such a perfect fit, and I for them, how the hell am I ever supposed to find something this perfect again?'

How am I going to find something this perfect again?

I look around and I see an impossible task.  I see them leaving and my going back to where I was before we met, single, alone, wishing and dreaming... only now, a bit sadder because I'll know precisely what I'm missing.

Reading

I'm working my way through The Science of Orgasm and it's so interesting that I wish I could post it here!  The authors discuss just about everything pertaining to orgasm; physiology, psychology, evolution, myth, fact... they even address and discuss other studies and findings. Admittedly, this is not exactly brainless reading, but if you're interested in science, the inner workings of the human body, and, well... sex.. I highly recommend this book.

Breath Play

kinkymeritbadges.com

Up until last year, a lot of kink was only theory (i.e. I had read about it, but never tried it, experienced it, seen it, etc.) and I felt extreme trepidation about breath play and a lot of edge play in general. I do enjoy the feeling of someone's hand on my throat, with some pressure, but I never had gone so far as to experience choking or breath control. I just kept thinking, God, that's so unsafe.. what if something goes wrong.. what if the person doing it doesn't do it correctly or doesn't know what they're doing.. what if.. what if.. what if...

I wasn't entirely closed off to the idea, but I certainly was not seeking it out, nor did I expect to participate in said activities, thinking they were 'kink fringe', if you will.

So, imagine my surprise when during a session that I was completely, inescapably bound to a spanking horse, Mistress' hands found their way to my face. It being completely new to me, I didn't realize what was happening until she did it: her fingers pinched my nose shut with one hand and covered my mouth with the other.

It was really a most interesting sensation. No feeling of fear or panic at all. She is extremely capable and experienced, so I trust her implicitly. Just a few moments of quiet, her holding my head like that, while I thought, Huh... this is interesting. She let go to reposition/get a better grip, and I was able to draw a deep breath in anticipation, then she closed off my airways again for a few moments. It was actually more peaceful than anything; I simply relaxed and basked in the feeling of fondness and trust toward her.

One other time that was exceedingly memorable, well, she had surprised me by having me lie on my back with my legs apart, and bound me that way. I was expecting to have the insides of my thighs beaten, but she instead took out her Magic Wand and spent the next eternity (oh man, it was so good and it felt like it lasted forever!) torturing me with it. After she had been at it a while, she'd driven me to an extreme state of arousal, I was incredibly stimulated everywhere, and close to orgasm. My cloth blindfold was pulled down to my neck; she continued to torture me with the Magic Wand in one hand, while reaching to twist and tighten the cloth around my neck with the other. This mostly restricted my airway, causing my moans and groans to be kind of strangled, struggling to draw a breath. Holy fuck, that was so hot.

It hasn't happened much, maybe two or three times so far, but I have to say that I really like it. Talk about handing over total control to someone! And the trust involved? Fucking hot.

Whereupon Your Beloved Author is Dealt a Swift Gut-Punch by the Universe

I got some rather startling and disturbing news a couple of nights ago, that Mistress and her husband are moving across the country to take care of his elderly parents. The talk at first was doing the move thoughtfully and calmly over a long period, like a year. That was a bit easier to swallow... but now she is saying she wants to do it expeditiously, time frame 2-3 months, because the more time that passes is just more chance for something bad to happen without them there.

I have been trying to process this since two nights ago and I didn't allow myself to cry, but last night, I finally broke down and I haven't been able to stop.

I am very reasonable and understanding and of course someone should go take care of their parents. But I have to be reasonable everywhere else, so I just want to be selfish for a minute here and say that it's so unfair. So unfair.

They are moving back to their home, which is, ironically, about an hour away from whence I fled. So many reasons why I can't go with them, not the least of which is that I vowed never to move for a girl again (which is what got me stuck across the country in the first place and sort of became a pattern of behavior that my friends now tease me about).

I just fought a 10-year fight to move back here, my home.. I went through so much hell, living away, and it was terribly difficult. I had to rely on the kindness and charity of family to even get me where I am now. I just can't... I want to, of course, but I can't and I shouldn't. I need to finish school and try to get my shit together finally.

It's all so sudden. I can't wrap my head around it. We had had all these plans.. neither of us ever foresaw our relationship or my service ending so soon or so abruptly. It's too abrupt.

I shake my fist at the universe for the unfairness of it all. I feel like we just met. I feel like we were incredibly well-suited for each other. She has been a mentor, a dear and close friend, and the gatekeeper to so many new and wonderful things.

I'm crushed.

Happy New Year!

The last day of 2011 was pretty awesome.  I had agreed to volunteer as a roving ticket-seller (à la cigarette girl) at The Citadel's Wonderland fundraiser, which, being shy, definitely took me out of my comfort zone. I was quite proud of myself, though; not only did I throw myself into it, I was massively successful!  Apparently, I am exceedingly charming when I want to be and I managed to work the crowd out of a lot of money. In fact, I sold the most tickets of any of the girls, by far -- I even had to go back to drop money and get more tickets.  Total ego boost!

In addition to that, I contributed to the cause by buying myself a spanking (from two ladies at once, lucky me!), as well as a lap dance. I'm not usually one to get excited about strippers or lap dances, but the girl doing it was the first person to buy tickets from me, before I knew she was one of the booths, and we had chatted a bit. She was super nice and personable, not to mention gorgeous. So, when I saw her doing her thang, I knew I had to get in on it.  It did not disappoint.

To round out the fundraiser fun, there was also a silent auction of an awesome variety of toys, books, services, shoes, art, and so on.  I put my name down on a bunch of things, hoping I would win something, but was completely unsure as to what would happen.

Somehow, magically, serendipitously, I managed to be the only bidder on this set of leather spankers -- I won them for $10. $10!!

I never win anything, so I still can't believe my luck! However, I am seriously jazzed, as I have almost nothing in terms of a toybag, so this is quite the score.

After the fundraiser, I debated whether I wanted to attend the Citadel's NYE party. I did have a lot of fun at the fundraiser, but ultimately, I decided to pass on the party because I don't really know anyone.  Instead, I texted my friend to see what he was doing and he happened to be free, so we met for a drink and dinner, then proceeded to party our faces off until dawn.

Canes on the Brain

I have lately been delving deep into the subject of corporal punishment canes. Much research and reading has happened as a result of an assignment I was given a few weeks ago, to research 'a short, thin little carbon fiber cane'. This mini cane turned out to be what most people referred to as an 'evil stick', a term I'd heard before but had no clue as to its definition.  So, yes, Mistress wanted an evil stick to do evil things to my poor, innocent boobies. This activity, snapping a thin rod against skin, produces some really neat stripes, so while it hurts like a mofo, I love the marks!

In researching evil sticks, I discovered that it would be relatively easy to make one, and just in time for Christmas! I told my friend (and fellow kinkster), Ollie, who quickly got on board with the crafty project. She wanted to make one for her girlfriend, too.

I ordered carbon fiber rods from an online RC plane shop and the rest of the materials were acquired at Home Depot. Feeling very much like characters out of Harry Potter, awkwardly fiddling with these very wand-like sticks, she and I got a hands-on lesson in evil stick making.

Our first tries were definitely ugly and I swear mine looked like it was made by a 4-year-old. I got much better by the second go and the third one was nearly perfect!  Definitely good enough to give as a gift:

The handle was about 5", total length about 11". I say "was", because Evil Stick #1 is no more!  Sadly, Mistress' new toy broke on its first outing. She said she had bent it back at about a 90-degree angle and it cracked. Well, damn!  So, it turns out that carbon fiber is not the material for this application because it splinters. Back to the drawing board!

Someone's suggestion of kite spars led me to fiberglass as a material and I feel as if I'm nearing the point of figuring this whole thing out. Subsequent research (check out Art of Caning to the right) has led me to a much better idea of cane diameter, whereas before, I was only guessing.  I have fresh supplies coming and once I conquer this project, I am going to try to sell evil sticks and possibly canes, too.