Thursday, October 06, 2005

Trouble in Paradise

Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon in my last post. I should know by now that there is no such thing as "easy" when it comes to relationships. It has to be some sort of record for me; not even two weeks and already I'm fucking things up. I'm sure a lot of it is of my own devising, but I wish I understood what happened. Last week, after a particularly lovely afternoon having lunch in the arboretum, MC and I came back to my place and after a bit of making out, we ended up in bed. After an athletic round of sex, we were lying there and she kind of freaked out and started crying. It was mostly her fears of her feelings for me and of being hurt, compounded by some other unrelated issues. She was unconsolable and cried for a while, but eventually she felt better after talking about things and being reassured.

At the time, I was more concerned about her feelings than my own, and so I didn't realize for a few days that what happened freaked me out. Things had been developing so well up to that point, and I definitely had feelings for her. I don't know what it was about it, but that afternoon, it was like someone threw cold water on me. Feelings, poof.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about my current state. Personally, I think it's fucked up. At the very least, I think it's highly unfair to MC, so I have been struggling with it. It's like one of those orgasms that you build up to and know is going to be so great, then all of a sudden, it's just... gone. It defies logic, really.. how can I want and not want someone at the same time? I think she's a great girl and I really want to be romantically involved with her, but I don't seem to be able to get my original feelings back. How does one go from really liking someone to feeling nothing in such a short period of time? If I felt something once, is it possible to get that back if I'm patient? It's not even like emotion or crying freaks me out, so I don't understand my reaction, or why it happening when it did should have such an extinguishing effect on my feelings.

For one, I feel a lot of pressure. Pressure to figure out what is going on with me, pressure to make a decision, pressure to spare MC's feelings, pressure to explain to her what's going on with me without hurting her feelings. Unfortunately, I don't always respond positively to pressure. As unfun as it is being in the center of this, I can only imagine what it looks like to MC, from the outside. Mixed signals, the appearance that I'm jerking her around, that I don't value her.. the great irony is I don't think I'm capable of showing or telling her just how much I do value her, or that I need some time because she deserves someone who isn't half-assing it. I can't fathom that it's been less than two weeks, because it just feels like so much longer. Part of the pressure is that I know just how much she likes me, and that she is waiting for me to make up my fucking mind already so she can relax and enjoy her feelings.

When put in the 'less than two weeks' perspective, I can't help but wonder why we're at this point already. What happened to taking our time to date and get to know each other? But on the other hand, when I think about the things I need right now, space and time to think, it's not like I don't have them already, or that she isn't willing to let me have them. However, I know I am not doing a good job explaining myself to her, which only makes things worse and adds more pressure. She's sensitive, and I know she has feelings for me. Feelings she's fighting because of my indecisiveness and internal conflict.

What's odd to me is that, had my feelings not changed, I would be perfectly happy where we are. When compared to my behavior and reactions in previous relationships, I know damn well that the things that make me want to step on the brakes with MC would not bother me much, or at all, if I was riding the bliss of being with someone I really like. I've been trying to not let on that I'm not so sure anymore, but what I'm most afraid of is hurting her. My intention is not to hurt her or lead her on, so the other day I finally broached the subject. The conversation didn't go very well, mainly because when it comes down to it, I really suck at disclosing and/or explaining my feelings and the craziness inside my head. I don't even really understand my own reaction to that afternoon. How do you explain to someone that you have an On/Off switch that you didn't even know existed?

I asked her for some space and some time, but couldn't explain that I needed those things despite the fact that in some ways, she's giving me a fair amount of leeway. It's just that while I have the freedom on paper, she doesn't seem to understand what I mean by 'space'. She's somewhat clingy, but it's definitely not that she's smothering, because ordinarily, I think I'd like the clinginess and affection. It's not that she's not giving me space, just in some ways, I feel like it's not okay for me to need more. I know it hurts her feelings, and I know she's really unhappy with me right now. She went out of town to visit some friends, and I decided to take the opportunity for time in solitude to think things over. I don't know how to explain to her my intense need for solitude, without her taking it personally. I mean, I'm well aware that we're in the phase of the relationship when I should be wanting more time with her, not less.

She called me on her way back to town, and the conversation went pretty well, at least up until the point where she asked how the space thing was going. I had mentioned my need for alone time in a previous conversation, so that it wouldn't be a huge surprise when I had to take it. So I spent about a day out of communication with MC, thinking things over, trying to relax, trying to relieve some of the pressure. It was working, actually, and part of me wished I had one more day because I suspected it would help quite a bit. So when she asked me yesterday how it was going, I didn't know how to respond, so I went ahead and asked for two days. Only I think maybe I was too blunt, because it was clear her feelings were hurt. The way she told me in a faux-casual voice to take the time I needed, and then added in an unhappy tone that I could take a month, made me feel like such a bitch.

That's where we are now. Obviously, I'm not good with translating my thoughts and feelings with tact, and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Everything is put together and it has all the elements I want, except for the nagging fact that most of the time, I don't feel what I should. I have no plan and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking it would be more fair to her to simply be friends in order to spare her my emotional freakishness, but I don't want to be just friends. Maybe that's selfish of me. Oy.

This post is definitely longer than I intended; the truth is, I have had no one to talk to and I have desperately needed to discuss this, even if just with myself.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You seem to have no problem expressing your feelings when you're writing them down. Have you ever thought of writing her a letter...or sending her an email? You're quite brilliant with your words and your writing style.

Maybe when you're by yourself, writing things down, you can express yourself more freely and gently....just a thought! = ) Good luck.

W. S. Cross said...

Cling is sometimes the death of passion, the needy make us freeze up. After Cassie has her first lesbian experience, the woman gets all touchy-feely and she can't STAND it. Treats her very cruelly even.

Anonymous said...

I did write her an email, but in the end, I decided not to send it. Mainly, I didn't want to make things worse and figured I'd see what happened when we next spoke.

The two day break was exactly what I needed and it did a world of good. Not only am I in a better space, but MC actually ended up being very understanding about the whole thing. She even said she appreciated that I know what I want and am able to ask for it. This is a good sign, it means that even though something might upset her as it happens, she's able to think it through and get over it. This is a relief, because I was a bit concerned about not being able to voice my needs.

As for the clinginess, I agree that it's a turn-off in a sense, but especially so in the mindset of my post. It's not like I haven't done the same thing when someone I really liked wanted some space, so I do understand it. It's just new to me, being on this end of things, usually I'm the more intense one. We'll see how it pans out, I guess.

Morris said...

Gesh you treat her like an object no wonder she breaks out crying.

Mr. Morris
Ask Morris

Anonymous said...

Wow, you're fantastic.. In two seconds, you saw right through my entire persona, stripped me right down to my most naked self.. whatever am I to do? Alas, now the world knows that I'm nothing but a big old women objectifier.

In the interest of this constructive information exchange we have going here, my suggestion to you is to keep the "advice" (we'll use that term loosely) to your site, because not everyone welcomes abrasive, unsolicited "advice" like I do.

Anonymous said...

Look at the upside of objectivizing women. Now you can objectivize yourself, too!

;)

Anonymous said...

Well.....The object thing which was said really didnt hit home with any thing that was posted at all. Except in one way. Some people say space some peope say time.....but in a sense is you only wah tto feel in power in a sense I must say. Cuz in doing this the person must either except you decision abd shutup or grovel at your feet and beg for you and either talk you back into the relationship or irritate you beyond belief. There should never be demands in any truly caring realationship unless of course they are of someones own good or health or well being. example eating prob drugs etc... But someon that loves someone should never get to the point where your arguing over leaving them alone. if thats the case in my opinion the relationship isnt worth it and you should really try to find soeone on such a same level as you that its liek a soul mate per say. which really isnt that hard expecailly now days with earths population being so massive. there is someone out there most liekly within a 5 mile radius o where you are right now taht like everything you do and wants to do exactly waht you like and enjoy all thigns wit you. Just look in the right places or continue living your drama filled lives so you can live you your tur dream. Being a soap opera star. PLease epoepl dont waste your lives theres not much time you can have to yourselves to enjoy. and then actualyl enjoy it with someone. ANd you can only truly be happy withsomeone else if only at first you are truly happy with yourself. Satisfy what you want anyawy possible just dont hurt someone.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Well, apparently I'm coming off all wrong, because not only do I not objectify women, my need for space is honestly nothing about power. I ask for space sometimes because I'm otherwise a loner who needs time away from other people in order to process events. This goes for both romantic and platonic relationships with people. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a hermit in some regards, and that I often disappear for days from the social realm. It's more of me being an introvert than being a conniving, manipulative bitch.

That said, if anything, I kind of wish MC had the power/control in the relationship.. but at the core of things, it's really not about power at all. I don't want her to beg or grovel, or to feel badly at all. I don't like hurting people's feelings, often to the detriment of my own. I just need that time to process and think, something I never realized was so difficult for people to understand without assuming I have ulterior motives.

P.S. Paragraphs are your friend.

Anonymous said...

Hee. Just the tip of the iceberg, really. ;)

Anonymous said...

I was the anon that said now you could objectify yourself. I really did mean it just as a joke. Not seriously at all.

Mike

Anonymous said...

Well I wrote that oaragraohless commment and if all you can say about what I wrote is I didnt have any paragraphs I must of said someting that stumped ye cuz tahts a weak weak point of view I aint wrint a damn novel so fuk off if I cared what I was writing needed to look professional but its doenst need to so bye

Anonymous said...

I know, Mike.. don't worry. I had a chuckle at that, and nothing negative was directed toward you.

Mr. Anti-Paragraph Man, I bite my thumb at you. (I'll wait for a moment while the Shakespeare reference gracefully soars well over your head.)

Your wall of text with horrendous spelling and random tangents of ultimate bitterness, yes, oh, how it cut me to the bone. I haven't been able to stem the tears since you posted it, that's just how cut up I've been. That's sarcasm, by the way.. though now that I think about it, the utter lack of regard for the English language demonstrated in your first comment did almost drive me to tears.

Seriously, you flatter yourself. "The tip of the iceberg", in case you missed it, was in reference to your garbled mess of a comment. I could sit here and address all your points, while simultaneously being nice enough to avoid pointing out your obvious mental challenges, but spending that time would imply that I care. I assure you, I do not.

Truthfully, the majority of what you said was such an amazing display of verbal diarrhea (and quite unrelated to me or my post) that instead of picking you and your comment to shreds, I did you a favor by just letting it go.

If I were you, I would let it go as well, but as testament to what a cerebral giant you are, you came back for more, and not only that, you also felt the need to tell me to "fuk off" ("fuk" is great, by the way, thanks for the chuckle). Are you a glutton for punishment? Looking for tips on how a verbal smackdown is really done? Trust me, you don't want to be in the vicinity when I unleash the snark. Again, I'm doing you a favor by reining it in.. after all, it's only fair to make allowances for the intellectually handicapped, n'est pas?

In case you feel the need to come back for round three, let me dole out a piece of free advice. One, this is my site and I guarantee that you, poor soul, will never break me. However, your attempts are truly amusing. Secondly, I assure you that you will never be my equal in a verbal sparring match. I recommend that you step back, assess the situation, and realize that in this battle of wits, you are outnumbered and totally unprepared.

Anonymous said...

Wow, didn't realize I needed to write a book to get into this blog.

I just thought it was great and lighten up a little. Life is too short!

Anonymous said...

Ok well, obviously your vass sea of intelligence is way to much for me to handle. I could not posiibly begin to comprehend you points of argument cuz I am so below you in a "scum between the tiles", sort of way. So I will step back from you overrated blog and just keep to my self.
This is no paragraph boy signing out