Monday, September 26, 2005

Good Things

Life works in very mysterious and interesting ways. The enlightenment of moments when all the pieces fall into place make struggling through what life throws at us completely worth it. I had a booty call set up for Friday, someone amazingly cool and cute that I found on Craigslist, but after a week of getting all worked up for the date, the plans fell through. Not really anyone's fault, but I was rather sexually frustrated upon realizing I wasn't going to be getting any, and I ended up taking it out on my vibrator several times throughout the weekend.

Two Thursdays ago, I received a "wink" from someone who liked my profile on She had no picture in her profile, but I read it over and found she sounded interesting. We had common likes and interests, so I winked back. As I live two hours away from my female best friend, I have been wanting to meet someone here that I can really talk to. Not to mention I know virtually no queer people in this town, so I figured I'd approach it from the friends angle and see what happened.

I got an email from her in response, and because I don't subscribe to Match, they stripped her email address from the note. She sounded really cool and I wanted to write her back. As I was debating whether to subscribe to reply (and cursing the fact that Match's free trials are never offered when there's someone I want to contact), lo and behold, a 3-day trial offer arrived in my mailbox. Providence? Perhaps, but whoever I have to thank for a small miracle, I jumped on it and wrote her back.

We corresponded a bit, then started talking on the phone. On Saturday, we decided to meet and have dinner on Sunday night. I went into this not thinking it was a date, so I was unnaturally calm. In fact, it's actually kind of weird, because usually I'm nervous throughout a meeting with someone new. Not thinking of it as a date actually worked very much in my favor because she ended up being very cute and sexy -- and damn, she has one yummy ass.

I told my personal "Hitch" about the 22-ish hours I spent with MC on our first date and how bizarre it was that I was so calm. First he cheered me on like the awesome guy he is, then he kind of laughed and asked me if I knew what I'd done. The Tao of Steve? I guessed.

He said, Yeah. You eliminated all desire.

I laughed and replied, It was totally an accident, too..

MC, on the other hand, was really nervous. I kind of got the vibe that she liked me, so I just relaxed even more. We had a good conversation over dinner, then ended up at her apartment to watch the Martha Stewart movie. We had a couple of drinks, lounged on the couch to laugh at the movie, all the while gradually moving closer to each other. Eventually she leaned her head on my shoulder and asked if she could snuggle, and of course I agreed. I put my arm around her shoulders and she rested her head on my chest. When she looked up at me, I leaned down to kiss her.

I had had zero expectations going into this, and it was turning out better than I could have imagined. The kissing led to making out, which lead to her asking me to spend the night. We snuggled and kissed in bed and I would have been satisfied with that, but when she climbed on top of me and straddled my hips, things got turned up another notch or two. Making out turned into really hot, passionate sex. All of it took me entirely by surprise.

Mainly I can't get over how random and weird things happened, like one minute I was whining over being single, and the next minute I meet an awesome girl. Frankly, the ease of it is a little unnerving. I know it should be easy when it's right, but I'm so used to drama and emotional rollercoasters with women. Don't get me wrong, though, it's definitely a very nice change. She so far seems pretty much a good match and I've been really pleased to discover all the things that I really like about her.

So the past week has been spent talking to MC, and after Sunday, we've been spending quite a bit of time together. I feel very comfortable with her and maybe a little amazed that she even likes my qualities that others might find annoying. We have a lot of common interests, so I'm very excited that I have a new partner in crime and someone to share experiences with. And, big plus, the sex is a perfect mixture of languor and hungry passion. I've alluded to my kinky side, which seems to intrigue and interest her, so with time, that will be fun to explore with her. I have so many huge, bruised bite marks all over my neck and shoulders.. while it doesn't look pretty, I have to say I love it. And I definitely loved getting the marks!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

On My Mind

I have been wanting to write, but have found myself unable. There is too much to think about and it renders me speechless. I wish I had words eloquent enough to convey what is inside my head, how much I want her, what she does to me. Even now I struggle. Why do my thoughts and feelings still my tongue? Steal my voice? I know I don't say enough, I know that my silence says the opposite of what I feel. If only I could express that my silence is not the lack of speech, it is instead full of too much to say. Too many variables, so much possibility. So much that I want. Not having the words, not being able to speak or to release them into the world as objects of beauty... my invisible gag.

Music has been my solace; I find relief while submerged in a medium of fluid emotional expression. My thoughts beat against the confines of my skull like the wings of a caged bird. Soft but insistent, they seek release that is not forthcoming. It would be easier if I could tie strands of thought together, sort them, discover what they mean. Why am I finding it so difficult? How can I convey the depth my want, cleverly and poetically, as it deserves to be expressed?

It would be so much easier if she could read my mind..

Monday, September 05, 2005

Aural Sex

I've been talking to K online for a while, as we explore our attraction for each other. It's been titillating thus far, to say the least. I find her intriguing and exceptional in many ways and it has been a real pleasure getting to know her. It's not often that I come across someone that draws me the way she does, exciting me both mentally and physically. Not everyone can hold my interest in such a way, make me keep coming back, keep me eager to peel back their layers in order to find out what lies beneath.

We've begun to speak on the phone and it's difficult to describe how addictive I find her words and her voice. Part of me wants to play it cool, but I'm hopelessly unable. To begin with, I think she knows the power she holds over me and I think it would be safe to say she enjoys it. In addition, I think we mesh quite well in terms of sex and lust, and she seems to perceive the depths of my desires. I love being her audience, hearing her thoughts and fantasies. I'm aware of the deep currents that run beneath her surface; I want to plumb her depths, I want to find myself deep enough to be carried away by them. I want to know things that can't be asked, things I will have to find out through time.

I want to be her fantasy, to be whatever she wants. I want to turn her on, to please her, to give her anything she asks. I want her to ask, to demand things of me. I want to get her off, fuck her through the phone, make her want me. I like the fact that even our most intimate conversations are shrouded in mystery, that we don't know each other and probably never will. This is new territory and I relish all the possibilities that lie before us because reality is so far away. I'd be lying if I said I don't fantasize about finding her so I can throw her down and fuck her, to explain my passions without words. Yet, I love that because of the anonymity, she can hold me in her mind and see me however it turns her on the most. That I can be exactly who I want to be, without any of the inevitable judgement that comes with meeting and knowing each other. I guess, in a sense, after so much fantasy, I would be worried about not living up to her expectations. This is better than the worry. The lack of reality is appealing, in the sense that what we're doing is an escape from the ordinary. It's nice to have a place to go where none of the things that plague my daily life exist.

It's all difficult for me to describe because I still haven't figured it out for myself. It's different, and it brings up a host of things that I want to mull over and figure out. She knows she has me hooked, so I'm waiting to see what else she has in store. I know this is only the beginning and I am being patient, just letting it all unfold. She knows what I want, so now I can relax and work on giving her what she wants. I want her to know that I have few expectations. I simply want to see where things go, where she takes me. I want to know her better, find out all her deepest desires. She makes me think, at least when my mind isn't returning to the subject of her, replaying her words. I've been turned on for a week because of her gifted silver tongue. Her voice, her breathing, her excitement in my ear.. how could I think of anything else?

Sunday, September 04, 2005


I have been thinking about control, why the true loss of it is my biggest turn-on, why I desire certain things. I have always wondered at what point I discovered and became interested in kink; I know I have always been attracted to powerful women, was it as early as my teens? What is it about power play that has always drawn me, both fascinated and aroused? I can't pinpoint the moment I realized that I wanted it, nor have I been able to explain why things like submission and being beaten have such a profound effect on me.

I think I've come to a conclusion about at least part of it. The secret lies in control. No matter the situation, even if I am willingly submitting to someone, I will give away all other pieces of myself long before I loosen my grip on my self-control. I keep myself so tightly wound, so tightly under control that it is very difficult for me to let go. It is deeply ingrained and I have it all down to where it comes as natural as breathing. I rarely surrender control without a fight; even when, in reality, I lose some, you would never know. I'm the kind of person that rarely gets to the point where it's obvious I'm intoxicated -- I may be, I may have even had several drinks, but I would never let it show... I'm the person you would want talking to the cops as they arrive to break up a night of bacchanalian revelry. I don't know the source of my drive, but control has always been a prominent theme in my life, and it has shaped me in numerous ways that make me who I am now. I have fought battles with all my being to maintain the control of myself and of my life.

Yet, I crave submission. Strong personalities attract me, maybe because I'm secretly hoping they will dominate me. I yearn and hunger for the blissful release of surrendering control to someone strong enough to take it completely. Someone who is perceptive enough to know I haven't given all I could, and who is determined to crack the vault in order to take my most valuable possession. It's more than being dominated, though. Domination alone is not enough; I need someone who recognizes what I crave and not only has the might, but also the desire, to topple all my inner fortifications in order to get to the core of me.

I've had BDSM experiences, but it only just occurred to me what I've felt missing in the past. None of them were strong enough to truly take control from me. I don't fault anyone, especially as some of them had no previous experience. I have have even eluded an experienced top. Until recently, I didn't even know what it was I needed, just that I felt somewhat unsatisfied. I have finally realized that there is usually a part of me I hold at a distance in a scene, unless the top is willing to really push me. It is not intentional and it is not something I can let go of consciously. There has to be some sort of catalyst; something to allow me to let go.

I knew I was searching for something and my dissatisfaction puzzled me. I realize now what my deepest desire is. Being topped or dominated is great -- I enjoy it, don't get me wrong -- but it is not enough. I need to be pushed much further, to be harried, broken down, to have the control wrested from me with force. I do not relinquish it easily; I need to be broken.

It's difficult to translate my thoughts and feelings about my desire into words. My craving is intense and insatiable. I live each day with this desire quietly burning away in a secret alcove within my core. Waiting, yearning for the next moment I am taken completely. For the person strong, determined, and understanding enough to be my guide and companion on the path to my limits and perhaps beyond. For the someone who is energized and challenged by the knowledge of the kind of fight that lies in store for them if they continue to push. Someone who loves being the catalyst for my tears, because they recognize the source and meaning of my needs. I dream of someone who wants to conquer me as much, or more, than my need to fight it. And, at the same time, equal to my thirst to be entirely conquered.

I could live without the pain, the humiliation, the power play, but that part of me will never die. I would always want it. I love the trappings of power play, but there's more to it than simply submitting or being spanked. My body's reaction is immediate when it comes to even a brief thought on the subject. My fantasies are, of course, quite rich, full of all my deepest wants. I hold out hope that I'll get to experience that of which I dream nightly. That I'll find someone who knows my need because they have a complementary one of their own. That I'll be able to again experience the intensity of being wholly owned and powerless. The moment I lose everything is deeply freeing. To have nothing left, to have given everything I am.

That is my want.