Friday, December 31, 2010

Spanking? Yes, please!

There is likely a variety of reasons why someone might enjoy spanking (on either end of the deal). A spanker might be naturally dominant, enjoy power exchange, enjoy inflicting pain, enjoy the sensual, intimate aspects of spanking, etc. A spankee might be naturally submissive, enjoy handing the reins over to someone else, find the pain and the process to be physically arousing, perhaps they’ve fetishized childhood punishments, or something else. Some people may not be all that into the spanking itself, but find their partner’s reactions to be incredibly arousing, so they do it not so much because they love spanking, but because they are turned on by the intense physical reaction from the spankee.

As someone on the submissive end of the kink spectrum, I can say from personal experience that there’s something deeply satisfying and arousing about the dynamic during a spanking. I have issues with control; I have a tight rein on everything during my normal life and it’s difficult for me to loosen that up. It’s due to this control that I struggle with allowing myself to be vulnerable, even in good, trusting relationships, and even in bed. Being the submissive one in a “scene” is like having a weight lifted off me for a time.. I pass on that control and I feel a grateful bliss.
I do have a small dominant streak and I have tried my hand at spanking; I enjoy it when the mood strikes. I think what I like about it is being the one in power/control and being able to inflict a bit of pain that turns the other person on.

My last two girlfriends were not naturally dominant (the last one identified as a submissive), but once they saw how my body responded to their taking control and spanking me, they really quickly got on board and both of them came to love doing it.

I’m pretty sure my draw to being spanked (amongst other elements, such as craving punishment, discipline, and enjoying some humiliation during spankings) is due to my father beating me with a belt on my bare butt when I was little. These beatings were extraordinarily traumatic to me at the time, and not something I would intentionally take along into adulthood. I mean, as much as I have been spanked and enjoyed it, I have always thought I would draw the line if my top broke out a belt. Too close to home, you know?
I make the connection because of the elements I mentioned above. Like, a spanking for no reason is great, but man, if you add in the element of punishment, it’s like over-the-top hot for me. I’ve long pondered my interest in kink, BDSM, spanking. I don’t remember when it began, when I realized that it turned me on. It’s just always been fascinating and arousing.

In terms of whether fetishizing childhood punishments is positive or negative, I think it depends on the individual. To me, it’s like someone who has been raped that has rape fantasies. You have your traumatic event, then you have to work through it. Part of me sees either situation as being dependent on some factors. If the person is relatively healthy and is not still devastated by the trauma, I don’t see that as being negative. Under the right conditions, I think exploring this fetish with a healthy mindset is a way of working through the trauma in a safe environment. If the person hasn’t healed, it may be cathartic as well, but I would be afraid that that sort of play might rip open the wounds, rather than being therapeutic.

Lastly, I will say that I have mixed feelings about my own abuse and later fetishes. I find it a little creepy and gross, in how it started. I mean, if I think of the abuse, it is not at all a turn on and it kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach. I guess it feels kind of weird when I analyze it, because I pretty much know where it all began (thanks, Dad!). However, I know enough psychology to recognize that it’s not a bad way to have processed this trauma. I could have gone other routes.. to become an abuser, or self-abusing through substances, or whatever. I guess my point is, in my case, that it’s probably not the most positive thing, but I’m trying to turn it into one by exploring the fetish in safe, comfortable ways.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Gender is a topic I find to be endlessly fascinating, so you'll probably hear more about it in the posts to come. Exploring and experimenting with ones masculinity and femininity, with society's gender roles,  it's exciting and fun. I love it when people buck the norm.. women doing things that are traditionally male and vice versa, for example.

I present as tomboyish and I consider myself genderqueer, in that I feel a good balance of both male and female exists in me. I'm neither one or the other, I am both. Both sides require expression and sometimes it feels so good to be really girly or really boyish.

 JC and I were together for about two and a half years. Our sex life, the hotness level, was off the charts. We were just so bare, intimate, and connected with each other; both of us agreed it was the hottest sex of our lives. She grew up in a devoutly Catholic home and learned to suppress her sexuality. She was also a huge tomboy at heart, but had learned to present with a feminine appearance in order to fit in socially and to hide her emerging sexuality.

When we were together, JC would sometimes let loose and express her boy side. I encouraged this because seeing how it transformed her, how it made her feel, was a huge turn on. She'd sometimes pack without saying anything and then appear at my side and wait for me to notice the considerable bulge in her pants. She loved playing a boy and I found it really hot. Not to mention, she really owned her cock and boy, did she ever know how to use it!

I love a girl who owns her cock.  Mmmm.

Her boi persona was on the dominant side. We'd talk dirty as I stroked her. She'd get top-y and push it into my mouth. She loved wearing that cock and she loved watching me worship it, which I found to be immensely hot and arousing.  JC liked to focus and imagine what it'd be like to fuck me, were her cock real. Man, she was good with that thing and she knew how to make me feel amazing! I loved imagining she could feel me, wishing she could get off inside of me.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Love Hesitates

The one thing I want most in life, my ultimate life's goal, is love. True love, of course, with my soulmate or some other non-sappy equivalent. Love. Alas and alack!  Love has been such a cruel mistress; giving me a taste of my heart's desire and then dancing away with it, laughing.

Sex with someone you love is potent. It amazes me sometimes. Everything goes away, is erased from your consciousness, until the only thing that exists is that person. You become hyper aware of their every aspect; the warmth radiating from their body as they come closer, their smell, the subtleties of desire like their breathing coming quicker, their eyes darkening as their pupils dilate.

This kind of sex is religious to me. Or, at the very least, spiritual. There is no other time that I am so completely and totally present in the moment. It feels like the touching of souls. Like the closest humans will ever get to feeling, seeing, or experiencing the Divine.

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Thursday, December 09, 2010

Damn, it's cobwebby in here

As is plainly obvious, I'm a bad blogger. Really, what happened was a relationship, an out-of-state move, and then it all went downhill from there for the next 5 years. What I've learned is that it seems impossible to blog while I'm in a relationship, whether that relationship is good or bad.

I did have one pretty good relationship, JC, who I dated and with whom I cohabitated for over two years. I revealed this blog to JC, but then came to regret it as she made it clear she'd like me to blog about us. I found it too much pressure and choked.

Then life. Focusing on survival. Not having reliable internet. Several moves. One really horrible girlfriend. Blah blah.

Anyway, I was reading over some of my old posts and found myself a bit surprised and pleased with my writing here. So, I will try to post more! I am single again, after all.