Sunday, August 21, 2005

Tao of Steve

I confess, I am not a ladykiller. In fact, even being a woman does not give me any particular insight into the female psyche. When I meet someone I really like, I tend to be overly excited and impatient for things to move forward -- something I've learned to be a recipe for scaring the girl off. Not only that, I have a tendency towards self-deprecation, which is not good because women can smell insecurity and fear a mile away. I'm smart and observant enough about myself to realize what I'm doing wrong, so this year I've been on sort of a quest to do things differently. I figure what I've been doing hasn't been working for me thus far, so as an experiment, I have been making a concerted effort to chill out and relax -- or to at least appear cool and confident.

I have a friend, AB, who is a ladykiller, despite the fact that he's pretty much an average guy. He's cute and a bit overweight, but not what most women would call "hot", so his skills with women have me really impressed. I mean, if he can do it, then I should be able to, right? I find myself seeking out his counsel when it comes to girls, and one of the things I love about him is he's the right balance of encouraging and advising. Plus he lets me tell him all the reasons why I think a girl might or might not be interested, and then tailors his advice toward my own personal brand of romantic ineptitude.

So AB and I were talking last night about this girl I just met, and I was filling him in on the evening she and I spent together. This girl is pretty hot and wicked smart, and I really like her, though I've been trying to rein myself in and be patient because I totally have the potential to screw it up. The problem at this point is I have no idea if she just wants to hang out platonically, or if there's a possibility for more. AB listened and advised, as he does so well, and then asked if I'd ever seen the movie Tao of Steve.

I hadn't heard of it, so AB explained the premise of the movie and the three principles. I don't want to tout it as an absolute truth, but it makes a lot of sense. So I thought I'd pass it along..

Rule 1 of the Tao of Steve:
Eliminate your desires. If you're out with a girl and you're thinking about getting laid, you're finished. A woman can smell an agenda.

Rule 2 of the Tao of Steve:
You have to do something excellent in her presence, therefore proving your sexual worthiness.

Rule 3 of the Tao of Steve:
After you eliminate desire, and after you've proved your excellence, you must retreat.

Now, of course these rules don't work all the time and every situation is different, but I think there's something to it. AB broke it down by rule; Rule 1 isn't just about sexual desire. It can relate to any sort of desire, such as if you're not happy with yourself or your life. You should feel content with who you are and where you are in life, even being completely single. In my mind, this is very similar to old cliches like "you never find love when you're looking for it" and "unless you love yourself, no one else will love you". Girls seem to like confidence and people who are comfortable with themselves. In addition, Rule 1 ties into Rule 3, in that being overly interested appears to be a turn-off to girls, so eliminate that desire and just act like yourself.

The example in the movie for Rule 2: a guy and the girl he likes are walking past a schoolyard. The two see a kid getting picked on in a dodgeball game, and the guy runs in and not only rescues the kid, but sticks around for a little while to help teach him how to play better. The idea here is not to do something crazy or out there to get attention, but that you should do something to make yourself stand out in the girl's mind.

Rule 3 is spot-on in my opinion. No matter how much I or anyone else hates games, the fact of the matter is that the whole romantic courtship thing is a game. Think about it, you talk to your friends and get advice as to what to do, you wonder if you should call, make a move, etc. The way AB described it, it has to do with the whole pursuit thing. It's all right to pursue up to a point, but too much is a definite way to scare a girl off (touché). Part of it is maintaining an aura of mystery and making the girl wonder if you like her, part of it has to do with power play. I don't know if I can explain this as well as AB did, but if you call too much or give too much of your attention, the girl might think she's superior and can do better because you're chasing her. If you don't overwhelm her with calls and/or your attentions, the roles are reversed; she might get the impression that you could do better and begin a pursuit of her own. Keep 'em wanting more.

When it comes to the rules, it may be that the girl doesn't even consciously think any of this stuff, but my experiences tell me there is something to it. Of course none of this is perfect for every situation, and I can already hear the scoffing, but I tell you what... AB has no problem with the ladies. I told him last night that I am drafting him to be my own personal Hitch. Incidentally, apparently Hitch is based on Tao of Steve.


Anonymous said...

wow, these tao of steve rules really seem to be 'spot-on' as you said it. although isn't there another way besides these games we play?

A said...

Of course there is, but games seem to be a fairly inevitable part of human relating; I know I haven't met many people that didn't play games in one form or another.

Personally, out of all the girls I've courted, dated, and/or slept with, I have met only two where the connection was immediate and in such a way that there was no real need for games. We clicked so well that everything went very smoothly and easily pretty much from the get-go. But as those are the only ones with whom I've had that sort of connection, I would say it is rare.

Lx said...

damn, and to think I just spent about thirty bucks on a Tao Philosophy book.

A said...

Haha.. Just rent the movie! ;)

Ray said...

I think that you are right on. I have found that those times in which I am not interested in pursuing a woman because my interests lie elsewhere (work, family, life, other women) also tend to be the times that I seem to have the most problems juggling partners.

Anonymous said...

What the hell are you ten?

There is no set of rules, guidelines or any such bullshit for relationships, dating, or even the hook up

Grow up.

A said...

Ahhh, the irony.. Cause it is so ballsy and mature to leave snarky anonymous comments...

Look, obviously I'm not telling anyone they MUST do anything. Perhaps in your ire you missed the part where I said "I don't want to tout it as an absolute truth, but it makes a lot of sense."

So, I encourage you to use your brain and figure out whether things in life make sense to you. If they don't, discard them. Pretty simple, eh?

HT said...

I discovered these rules on my own in college. But the Tao of Steve, my favorite film, explains them better than I was ever able to. They absolutely work. No kidding I had two girls from the same group openly fighting over me tonight. I left with both there number and kisses from both. I'm think I could have taken either home. The one was pushing for a 3 way, the other wasn't down. I grabbed digits from a 3 girl just for good measure. If you follow the rules, you can have lots of women, but that still may not get you the one you want. Just remember to be true to yourself and don't be a dick to the girls. They don't know they are being manipulated, they just know they want you.

Anonymous said...

Actually the Tao of Steve is spot on, read Neil Strauss's 'The Game'. The Pick Up Artist/Seduction community use a more fleshed out version of the Tao of Steve. Basically women are programmed instinctively to be attracted to Alpha males (throwback from the caveman days)..alpha males being leaders, confident, socially popular/aware, not needy etc. If you are or can fake being an alpha, women will be drawn to you (even they wont know why cos its all done subconsciously)

To all the scoffers try it once yourself and you will see. :)

Anonymous said...

Definitely, agree with that, plenty of pre-determined material that is gold just about fitting it in with your own personality and makin it believable

Anonymous said...

You are wrong about one thing.

It always works. Always.

Always. Every girl, Always.

The problem is that it is hard to consistently apply the rules. Often times a guy will apply rule 2, be excellent, in order to impress a specific girl, and violate rule number one in the process. Also frequently guys who try the Tao of Steve forget how critical rule number 3 is, either forgoing it, or applying it again in an attempt to get a particuar girl, violating rule number one.

If you follow all three rules, the Tao always works.


Anonymous said...

It works! And, you don't have to be a game player. It's about being yourself, but being comfortable in your own skin, and controling the timing of information about yourself. How many times have we thought, I'm truly amazing, if only someone would notice...

Women like to know a guy has a girlfriend before they find him acceptable. It's a sisterhood thing, I think. "If he's got a girlfriend, he can't be all bad..."

The 3 rules provide everything you need, in a nuts and bolts way, to breaking through the typical games, and getting down to either being attractive or not.

Last weekend, I happened upon a friend of a friend who was on a date with a guy who was unwisely ignoring her. I didn't say much, but let her tell me her life story, then found common ground and connected. For rule number 2, I asked if she loved her self during a conversation about self esteem...Rule number 3 is easy now people! Leave a positive impression, and go the hell home!

She called me when she got home from the bar, and we made plans for the next day...4 days later, she finally went back home! Maybe not relationship material, but hey, you learn something from everyone you meet.

Always treat people with respect, and good luck.

Ravi (16) said...

This can not only be used on girls but can be used on ordinary people to develop a relationship with them. It always works!!! but you GOT TO play your cards right