Thursday, November 03, 2005


Wow.. nearly a month since my last post. I'm surprised no one sent the cops over to my place to make sure I was still alive. Anyway, I really didn't mean it to be a month.. it seems like time gets away from me sometimes.

I'd apologize to anyone still reading, but I feel in some ways, I was preventing myself from truly boring you all. While I still don't have this blog pinned down, the one thing I know I don't want it to be is boring. The minutiae of relationships is interesting to an extent, but I feel it would be tedious here if there is no point or critical idea to draw from. I want my readers to feel less as therapists and more as confidantes. Also, if I am going to recount my life, I want to feel truly inspired to do so. It's the perfectionist in me; I want to give this blog my very best and I want to feel as if I can stand behind it.

Call it an exhibitionist streak, but I enjoy letting you peek inside my dirty head. What I have posted so far is a mere taste of the kink that resides in my brain and I hope to share that in the future. I think quite a bit and come up with all sorts of random ideas, some of which I try to funnel into writing. Some make it into blog posts, but when I'm not inspired, others get filed away.

I'm tired and in a rambling mood, so you'll have to be forgiving of this disjointed post. I broke up with MC and while the situation is not perfect, we are still friends. She mentioned to me that she would like to be fuck buddies and while that appeals to my libido, my brain keeps putting its foot down. I don't know. My libido ususally wins, but this could be an interesting fight.

When I'm dating someone and having sex regularly, I usually lose my desire to masturbate. As I have mentioned before, masturbation is practically a hobby for me and it is rare that I go a day without. The abstaining is both physical and logical. The regular sex keeps me satisfied, while subduing the desire results in better orgasms later.

This time around, when I went back to my vibrator, I noticed something. I guess it's something I have always sort of vaguely observed. I have better orgasms alone than I do with my partners. I'm not saying I don't have great orgasms during sex, but when allowed to really focus on myself, I have much more intense, longer orgasms alone.

There was such a noticeable difference this time that it prompted me to think about it. The intensity was almost startling at first. It makes me curious as to whether other women find this to be the case. Ladies, when, on average, do you have better orgasms?

I mean, when I'm alone, I can do whatever turns me on the most in that moment. Think about anything I want, truly focus on the sensations. I can really draw out that pre-orgasm peak to result in a huge explosion. Masturbation is good stuff.

Sex is good, too, and I have had some really mindblowing orgasms at the hands of someone else. With MC, I found that as my heart was in the relationship less, the quality of the sex decreased. It's not that she doesn't turn me on, because she definitely does, but sometimes I found myself a little bored. I know it should be hot and that I should be fully into it, so my awareness that my lack of feelings was generally unfair to her was the main thing that drove me to break it off.

All this talk about orgasms and masturbation.. gonna have to go do something about it.