Surrendering

I have been thinking about control, why the true loss of it is my biggest turn-on, why I desire certain things. I have always wondered at what point I discovered and became interested in kink; I know I have always been attracted to powerful women, was it as early as my teens? What is it about power play that has always drawn me, both fascinated and aroused? I can't pinpoint the moment I realized that I wanted it, nor have I been able to explain why things like submission and being beaten have such a profound effect on me.

I think I've come to a conclusion about at least part of it. The secret lies in control. No matter the situation, even if I am willingly submitting to someone, I will give away all other pieces of myself long before I loosen my grip on my self-control. I keep myself so tightly wound, so tightly under control that it is very difficult for me to let go. It is deeply ingrained and I have it all down to where it comes as natural as breathing. I rarely surrender control without a fight; even when, in reality, I lose some, you would never know. I'm the kind of person that rarely gets to the point where it's obvious I'm intoxicated -- I may be, I may have even had several drinks, but I would never let it show... I'm the person you would want talking to the cops as they arrive to break up a night of bacchanalian revelry. I don't know the source of my drive, but control has always been a prominent theme in my life, and it has shaped me in numerous ways that make me who I am now. I have fought battles with all my being to maintain the control of myself and of my life.

Yet, I crave submission. Strong personalities attract me, maybe because I'm secretly hoping they will dominate me. I yearn and hunger for the blissful release of surrendering control to someone strong enough to take it completely. Someone who is perceptive enough to know I haven't given all I could, and who is determined to crack the vault in order to take my most valuable possession. It's more than being dominated, though. Domination alone is not enough; I need someone who recognizes what I crave and not only has the might, but also the desire, to topple all my inner fortifications in order to get to the core of me.

I've had BDSM experiences, but it only just occurred to me what I've felt missing in the past. None of them were strong enough to truly take control from me. I don't fault anyone, especially as some of them had no previous experience. I have have even eluded an experienced top. Until recently, I didn't even know what it was I needed, just that I felt somewhat unsatisfied. I have finally realized that there is usually a part of me I hold at a distance in a scene, unless the top is willing to really push me. It is not intentional and it is not something I can let go of consciously. There has to be some sort of catalyst; something to allow me to let go.

I knew I was searching for something and my dissatisfaction puzzled me. I realize now what my deepest desire is. Being topped or dominated is great -- I enjoy it, don't get me wrong -- but it is not enough. I need to be pushed much further, to be harried, broken down, to have the control wrested from me with force. I do not relinquish it easily; I need to be broken.

It's difficult to translate my thoughts and feelings about my desire into words. My craving is intense and insatiable. I live each day with this desire quietly burning away in a secret alcove within my core. Waiting, yearning for the next moment I am taken completely. For the person strong, determined, and understanding enough to be my guide and companion on the path to my limits and perhaps beyond. For the someone who is energized and challenged by the knowledge of the kind of fight that lies in store for them if they continue to push. Someone who loves being the catalyst for my tears, because they recognize the source and meaning of my needs. I dream of someone who wants to conquer me as much, or more, than my need to fight it. And, at the same time, equal to my thirst to be entirely conquered.

I could live without the pain, the humiliation, the power play, but that part of me will never die. I would always want it. I love the trappings of power play, but there's more to it than simply submitting or being spanked. My body's reaction is immediate when it comes to even a brief thought on the subject. My fantasies are, of course, quite rich, full of all my deepest wants. I hold out hope that I'll get to experience that of which I dream nightly. That I'll find someone who knows my need because they have a complementary one of their own. That I'll be able to again experience the intensity of being wholly owned and powerless. The moment I lose everything is deeply freeing. To have nothing left, to have given everything I am.

That is my want.