Safety

One of the most unexpected things I've found while exploring this whole service thing is how comfortable and how safe it feels to be fully myself. Not just the parts of me that are silly or dorky or that I often keep to myself for fear of judgment or whatnot. I mean that I'm free to fully be myself, in the broadest sense. Most surprisingly, what I'm finding is how freeing and safe it feels to be as giving of myself as I want.

It's 'weird', but I have a deep need to give and to do. I need to feel helpful, useful, and wanted. I'm someone who really enjoys giving, making others happy, and, honestly, I enjoy putting others ahead of myself. I don't know how to describe it, other than it just doesn't feel right any other way. Not to mention, I have difficulty expressing my feelings, so the primary way that I show people I care for them is to do things.  I realize now that I am a service-oriented submissive; I love being helpful, useful, needed.  I love to make the lives of the people I care for easier and I want them to know that they are loved and appreciated.

The problem has been that it has, historically, been extremely unsafe for me to be this way in most of my vanilla relationships, including my familial ones.  It's tough being a person who thrives on the things I do, particularly when people can be so selfish and so easily take advantage.  I've spent a lot of time trying to please the people I care about, but never without danger and rarely in a healthy manner.

I started this life very idealistic and naive and I've had to harden myself up quite a bit. I learned that I had to withhold things and to stay guarded.  I look back over my life and there's a lot of being taken advantage of or being taken for granted. Being manipulated or even abused by those who recognized the right buttons to push.  It took me way too long, but after all the shit I went through in my last romantic relationship, I finally reached my limit and found the balls to stand up for myself. I am honestly totally fed up and no longer willing to take shit off of people.

So, it's ironic to me, that after becoming so guarded, that I suddenly feel really safe being open, giving, and totally myself.

I don't know why I'm this way, but it gives me great pleasure to make other people happy.  I love showing people I pay attention to them by attending to their desires. I particularly love if I can read someone and provide what they want or need without them even having to speak a word. The reward of someone's delight, the awe of my remembering their preferences, is so worth the time and energy!

I have worked in the service industry for a very long time and I don't think it's any coincidence that a) I am drawn to this line of work or b) that I'm pretty good at it.  Being thoughtful, anticipating someone's desires, remembering the things they like or how they like them, going a step or two beyond what is expected with the hope of putting a smile on someone's face... all of these are things I naturally do for those I care about.  It's just that it hasn't always worked out very well for me.

Perhaps it's because I have empathic tendencies, but another thing is that I can't be happy if the people around me aren't happy.  It also feels selfish to put myself ahead of someone else and I just feel much more comfortable if I let another person have first pick over me. I do have self-sacrificing tendencies, in that I'm happy to put myself second if I can be of service for someone or something greater than myself. I'm drawn to service, to helping others, and I'm most happy when I can do that.

A couple of my friends have cautioned me to be careful, afraid that I might get taken advantage of. I assure them that they don't understand because if they did, they'd see there's no worry at all. Mistress is so wonderful and has only my best interests at heart. She is extremely giving, kind, and thoughtful, so it is my absolute pleasure to look after her. I know that I can approach her with any concerns and I also know that she has my back and is looking out for me.

What they also don't understand is the amazing feeling that comes from being fully recognized. For the first time, I'm free to be myself because someone finally sees who I am and understands my need to give. Not only that, but I feel like Mistress knows that what I have to offer is given of myself as a gift. It's this difference of perspective -- gracefully accepting someone's gift, rather than taking what's on offer without any thought -- that makes all the difference.

It's really the most marvelous feeling and so freeing to be able to be totally myself! I can do what I love -- giving, doing, putting others ahead of myself -- and feel totally safe and comfortable.