Tuesday, December 25, 2012

My Kinky Santa

After I posted my previous entry, I was contacted by DM, an ex-Domme that I had a brief relationship with around the end of last year/beginning of this year. I haven't written about her yet, but I imagine that I will eventually. In any case, she wrote to make sure I'd heard of the Crash Pad series, which I had, but had never actually seen any and I told her as much.

Guess what is coming in the mail for me?! That's right.. she went and ordered it for me because 'I appreciate you' -- isn't that so nice? I'm super thrilled! I love presents and I especially love when I'm given something I wouldn't or couldn't buy for myself. Totally made my day. :)

Monday, December 24, 2012

Girl-Girl Porn

I don't know about you, but I often find girl-girl porn to be sadly lacking. It generally involves so much fakery that it's impossible for me to get into it. I know good stuff exists, but I have not had much of it come my way. Last night, I stumbled onto something excellent, though, and I wanted to share!

It looks like there is a girl-powered porn company (Girl Candy Films) making videos of women who actually enjoy each other, who have sex like girls really do, which is HOT!

I watched Lesbian Doms and Subs: The Reluctant Secretary last night and I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Neither of the stars will win any acting awards soon, and it's true that the dialogue at the start is a bit awkward and stilted, but they definitely have chemistry, they definitely are enjoying themselves, and there's a bit of power play that makes it extra hot. Not much on the SM side of things, just a kind of intense D/s dynamic with lots of powerful eye contact and such.

Good stuff...

Please feel free to share any awesome girl-girl porn, if you know of some!

Monday, November 05, 2012

When Worlds Collide

I had a table last night of cool folks, two men and a woman. They were friendly and pleasant to deal with and we traded banter throughout their meal. At the end, they said they wanted some cake. "Okay, how many pieces?" I inquired.

They looked at each other and decided on two pieces. "All right.. two pieces, three forks?" I asked.

The woman beamed and said in a pleased tone, "Good girl! You got it."

Oh shit, she said the magic words. The words I generally only hear in my kinky world, never at work. The two words that I have come to strive to hear and which make me melt inside. It was just the exact right combination of things; attractive woman, kind, funny, well-meaning, I did a good job... A part of me stopped and did a little squeeeee! and I walked away to retrieve their cake.

At the same time that my kinky little heart was thrilled to have gotten a "good girl", reality started to creep in. I was at work. I didn't know these people. The lady probably had no idea what she'd said. Part of me briefly wondered if she was a Domme and had recognized my submissiveness, prompting her to throw out the magic words; after all, who says that, right? Truthfully, though, I hadn't been given any other sign and I think it was simply spontaneous.

It was weird to have these juxtaposed mind states, when they are usually worlds apart. I mulled it over for the next twenty minutes, marveling at the dissonance I felt. It was a very odd and interesting sensation, this surprise merging of worlds.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Double-Edged Sword

It's silly to deny it; I miss you. I miss you so much that I avoid thinking about it, because it always leads back to the moment you turned on me, when you ran me through with your razor-sharp blade of cruelty.

As much as I miss you and our connection, I think of us standing in the street on that overcast morning. Your eyes, I will never forget, so icy blue, pupils small like pinpricks against the bright sky. The cruel, snide smirk that twisted your features as you dealt me your killing blow, piercing me in a move I failed to see coming.

Even though I was left standing, what we were and what we had bled out and died there on the blacktop of the street.

It is a callous and hard-hearted soul that slays one's closest and most loyal companion, merely to claim a victory.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Air I Breathe

It's the warmth and soft skin of her hand creeping across my face, capturing my nose and quickly covering my mouth. Closing my airways. I usually know, a moment before it happens, giving me time to draw enough breath to sustain me until she allows release. In this moment, I could resist or turn away, but instead I surrender and give my breath to her.

My body becomes sharply aroused in this exchange of power, at the level of intimacy found in this profound depth of trust and submission.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Domination is a Gift, Too

D/s, when properly done, is a beautiful exchange of gifts between the participants. It's easy to focus on what the submissive is giving, and you often hear the phrase 'submission is a gift', but I have always felt that that was only part of the story. When I was in service, at least at the beginning, people would focus on my side of things, all that I did and gave, and they were concerned. Several people cautioned me to be careful, that it sounded like I was in danger of being taken advantage of.

What they didn't get, never having experienced it, is the countless numbers of gifts that I received in return. More difficult to quantify, because they didn't always involve action or tangible things, but very, very important to me. She was my rudder, she encouraged and disciplined, and pushed me in the right direction. She gave me a safe space to blossom, to be myself, a place where I could do and give and be fully seen. She gave a place to belong and a network of people who understood the dynamic because they lived it, too. She looked after me, had my back, and ultimately wanted to see me happy and thriving.

Then, of course, there is the gift of D/s and SM play.. not always easy to find that person with whom you click, who can take you to the places you so crave to go. I am always immensely grateful to the person who takes my hand and leads me there, to the amazing warm, safe place of submission. It's one of the only times when my brain shuts off, where I can let go of my anxiety, where I forget I even have a body. I can just be a mass of sensations and it's lovely.

When it's done right, D/s is a deeply beautiful thing.

Monday, September 03, 2012

Mantra

"I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love, and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it's time to let you go. I wish you well. I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to Divine Love. I feel the love around me, and remember that I am never truly alone. Namaste!"

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Réentrée

The past few months have been difficult, but fortunately, things are starting to look up. Some events occurred that, while unnecessarily hurtful, have actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My eyes were opened, which enabled me to turn a corner, emotionally.

I had to hibernate for a while, to dwell and to process, to live through the painful emotions. I would have kept pining and being sad, but for the aforementioned wake-up call; after that, I found my strength and was able to pull myself out of the muck and into a much healthier place with me as the focus for a change.

During this period of mourning, I was feeling lonely and disconnected, wanting desperately to feel that sense of belonging that I was missing. Kink events came and went, but I was too mired in sadness and torpor to venture out alone.

I tried a couple of low-key events, but I rarely fare well when attending things alone. I have social anxiety, so I tend to hang back and be a wallflower. Something about my body language, due to my fear, must keep people at bay because no one ever talks to me. Then it's just a vicious cycle, a self-fulfilling prophecy... or, at least, it's very difficult for me to get excited about going to things alone because I know exactly what will happen and the whole thing is pitiful and depressing.

It's amazing what excellent motivation is desperation! I started reaching out, seeking others, and making contacts. Going to things to which I'd been invited. After a slow and rocky start, it's working!

I realized, some months ago, that I'm a switch, rather than 100% submissive. This was actually a bit of a struggle, coming to terms with what I've always believed about myself -- that I didn't have any Dom in me -- not being true. I sat with it for a good month, mulling it over and questioning myself, before I dared voice my curiosity to try the D side of things.

It's different for everyone, how it feels, this entry into kink. The exploration of one's role(s) can take some time. I personally never struggled much with the concept of myself as a submissive and found that, for the most part, it fell into place pretty naturally. Myself as a switch, though, I found to be a completely different animal. It completely challenged that which I had felt was so certain: I was, at heart, deeply submissive. The thought of dominating someone made me laugh out of sheer preposterousness.

Over time, I had to admit to myself that I was growing evermore curious and, to my surprise, I found that I did genuinely want to do these things to a willing victim. This process, the internal dissonance I felt, reminded me a lot of my struggle when coming out of the closet. Fortunately, the process of accepting my dominant and sadistic urges was much quicker and easier than that! At least now, as an adult, I am much more understanding of the variation, the fluctuations, and the evolution of one's sexuality, so I was able to avoid the mental self-flagellation.

I felt so proud of myself, figuring it out and declaring my intent. I was very eager to meet someone to which I could apply all these deviant concepts which flit about in my cranium. But then nothing happened.

For like 6 months.

[pause as tumbleweed blows by.]

I will say that I have not had the best luck in meeting new play partners. I grew more and more motivated to search as time went on and I began to jones for kink. I had several irons in the fire, all very promising people, but one by one, they flaked on me in various ways and I was back to square one, with nothing to show for it other than dashed hopes and wasted time.

Honestly, it was getting frustrating. It started to look like the only way I was going to meet anyone was at events, but that was both intimidating and disheartening because I never, no exaggeration, fare well on my own at bars or events -- there is almost no reason for me to go.

I didn't give up, though! Good thing, too, because I got lucky! Through a mutual friend who leads a rope enthusiast group, I met a highly curious girl who was just as interested in my topping her as I was -- YES!! I'd had such bad luck with flakes that I didn't get my hopes up. Part of me expected her to cancel, but when it got to be the day before and we were still on, I realized that it was actually going to happen. Cue one of my famous "Oh my god, what am I doing?" moments. However, upon review, those moments tend to preface awesome experiences...

I'll explain it in more detail in another post, but we played and I think I managed to pull it off very well. It was her birthday, so I made it all about her and she seemed to enjoy herself. We hit it off, so then we went to an event together a couple of days later, to celebrate her birthday. We've had a couple of sleepovers that were lovely (yay for cuddles!) and we will be going out tomorrow night, plus definitely a couple more events next week.

I also just had coffee this afternoon with a Domme who is reentering the scene after a few years away, and she is looking for company to attend things with. She was cool and seemed fun, so I invited her along next week. Now that I have partners in crime, I can attend more events and meet more people -- yay!! Things, at long last, are looking up.


Submissive Emotions and the Dominant

[I found this piece of writing to be excellent and it is herein reprinted courtesy of A Dauntless Journey.]


"I warned you! I told you how this would be. I told you how intense this could and probably would become. I told you how emotional this would become for you. I told you this would be like no other relationship you have ever had. I told you how it would be hard to go back once I had taken you there. Did you believe me? Did you think I was lying? Did you really think I was just telling you things to lure you in? Maybe...maybe not. You had no way of knowing. You had no reference point. You had never been here before to be able to understand. But...now you see. Now you get it. Now you understand. Now...you are addicted!"

I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.

There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.

From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.

She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.

This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.

There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.

My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.

Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Why 'The L Word' Pisses Me Off

I have a LOT of issues with The L Word, but it wasn't always that way. I started out a devoted fan and couldn't get enough. I was completely on board for the first two seasons. Then, I started noticing things... and then, more and more things. It seemed like the producers got really high on their own success -- I have a mental image of them reclining in director's chairs, waving martinis, and cackling maniacally -- and started making some illogical, absurd, and, at times, offensive choices.

They really seemed concerned about maintaining the straight male viewership and many concessions were made to that end, things that would appeal to straight men. Hence the cast of gorgeous women, 99% femme. They also made quite a few "artistic" choices that I found ridiculous and completely unsupportive of the established characters and story lines. They completely ignored their fans and their feedback. They killed off possibly the most likable character because they felt they should educate on breast cancer (Which.. great.. but you kill off someone that your audience doesn't much like! In an actually believable story line!). Even Katherine Moennig (Shane) said bitterly, "It's bullshit."

Why I even kept watching, I don't know. I'm a masochist, it's true. And, being the only lesbian show, beggars can't be choosers. By the time they got to Max's gender dysphoria and transition, I was pretty much over it, but then the producers managed to disappoint and piss me off even more. Max was shunned, berated, laughed at, treated like a joke. Now, I know life is not a bed of roses for trans folk and that they experience the gamut of negative reactions from people in real life, but there seemed to be no one on the show who loved and supported Max unconditionally. Not to mention, he turned into an aggressive, volatile monster once he started on testosterone -- great positive portrayal there! For all their blustering about 'community' and 'educating', the producers passed up on that chance and went straight for the drama, the shock factor.

I, sadly, have obviously spent WAY too much time contemplating a television series. I could wax poetic on the ways The L Word pisses me off. It's too bad; it was amazingly promising the first season. It's a pity it was so ill-managed.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Submissive Owner's Manual

by Jade Richardson


I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am . I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits . I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me . I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected . I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need You to be my role-model . I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance . I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You . Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership . No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

“It's hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That's part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can't refuse anything and can't even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”

― Cherise Sinclair, Dark Citadel

Friday, June 29, 2012

Magic Words

It amazes me sometimes, the power of words. Otherwise simple, meaningless in a way, words can pierce, destroy, comfort, caress. The right words can entrance, elate, speak directly to the soul.

I love language and the nuances of vocabulary. Hearing the words and combinations thereof that a person chooses, which are uniquely suited to them. I pay a lot of attention to words, tone, and intent.

I have not been much disposed to write lately; I dislike discussing my emotional difficulties here because that is far from my intent with this blog. I am mourning the loss of something really wonderful and fulfilling, and this makes it difficult to write. I just feel like I have a big hole where a chunk of me was ripped out.

I spend a lot of time thinking, remembering, replaying moments that stand out in memory for being exceptionally fun, meaningful, hot, etc. It's bittersweet, of course... These moments gave me so much pleasure and, as such, are dearly cherished. It's that they are gone and nevermore that is sharply bitter and sad.

Just now, I was pondering and reminiscing, thinking of my service to Mistress and how she would occasionally lend me and my services to her friends, which I loved. Feeling appreciated and useful is at the top of my "best things ever" list. Coming back to my original point about language, Mistress would say something like, "Oh, my girl can do that for you" ... and it just amazes me that the simplest words and phrases can have such an impact on me.

I loved hearing her call me her girl, her submissive, her anything. I loved the feeling of belonging, of having an emotional home, the thrill that she held me in such esteem that I was a cherished part of the household.

Other words are powerful, but my favorite and most sought-after were "good girl". From the outside, to the uninitiated, I imagine that might sound silly, but I am not alone in the reaction those words elicit. It seems to be a common experience of submissive women that those two words make us melt into a happy pile of goo.

When I was brand-new at this, during our first session, Mistress said, "If you're a good girl, I might let you beat off at the end." What's funny is that those words embarrassed me then. They seemed silly, so 'what you're supposed to say in BDSM.' They held no meaning, or, rather, I had no concept of the depth of their meaning at the time. It's amusing now because of how far I've come since that day -- how I never in a million years would have guessed, in that moment, just how I would later crave hearing those two little words escape her lips... "Good girl" just sends off fireworks of glee inside.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Confidence

I certainly feel very lucky, in that I landed with a Mistress who was an exceptional fit. I felt nurtured, understood, looked after, and fully accepted for who I am. It was a growth process, as well as a period of self-discovery and learning. I learned a lot... about how to be a submissive, about who I am, amongst a ton of other things.

I lacked confidence in the beginning; this was entirely new territory. I originally experienced a period of uncertainness, where I was afraid I might unknowingly make some wrong move and be dismissed. This then blended with my growing attachment and I feared that I might be cut loose, the resulting pain, loss, and rejection. Gradually, it started to dawn on me that I was wanted and appreciated, all of me, the whole package. I started to relax and things settled into a mellow, wonderful comfortableness.

One of my oldest and best friends, whom I have known for over ten years, through many life circumstances and relationships, was a bit weirded out by the whole Mistress/sub relationship. Admittedly, my first, so some adjustment necessary. That aside, he seemed positively in awe of the changes he observed in me, my personality, and in my self-confidence. After hanging out with us, he said, 'I still have to wrap my head around the kink part.. but I have known you a very long time and I have never seen you like this. It's amazing, how you've blossomed! It's so great to see!'

I love that, because I do feel different. My service just ended and I hope this change lasts. I am far more confident than I used to be. I care less what people think (been working in that since last year). I really came into myself when I found D/s service, and I discovered a whole huge part of myself that had previously been stifled, which had actually caused a host of problems -- turns out subbing and serving someone without either party's knowledge doesn't often work out in a healthy manner. :)

I have a hard time articulating why exactly I have more confidence. I guess it's the combination of discovering I am quite skilled at something and well-suited. That I am desirable and valuable because of my personality, skills, and temperament. Part of it is that Mistress is an exceptional woman; someone I admire deeply, very lovable, intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful inside and out. Knowing that she loves me, values me, and actually wants me around.. what a huge confidence booster!

Then there's also the security that there is a place for me, where I can get these needs met, where I can be appreciated for myself, where I am not a weirdo. I feel my value so much more than I did. I also found that kink helped me feel more comfortable in my body; if you told me a year ago that I'd strip down in front of 70 people without any hesitation, I would have laughed my ass off. But I sure did! :)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Chemicals Between Us

I just read an interesting article that, if accurate, might explain something that I found odd and confusing, over the course of my sessions with Mistress. No matter how turned on I was, no matter how stimulated or how much I wanted to -- and I really, really wanted to -- I couldn't orgasm. At first, I thought it was mental, a performance issue due to anxiety or pressure, but then I tried abstaining from masturbation on the days leading up to a session, something that has worked in the past if I had difficulty coming with someone. That helped not in the slightest, which was very confusing because it was unusual for me.

I never did figure it out. Even after I went home post-session and had all the time in the world, no pressure, I still could not get off! I was operating on the theory that my difficulties were mental, but the fact that orgasming was so damned difficult on the day of a session, even by myself.. well.. I found it perplexing. It got to the point where I learned to not even try; I would spend an hour or more frustratedly chasing an orgasm, with me getting more and more relaxed and sleepy. Basically, fighting an uphill battle and when I did manage to come, the orgasm was a bit flat and disappointing -- or, at least, not at all representative of the intense sensations and arousal I experienced in session.

Interestingly, I would wake up the next morning and be raring to go, like everything I felt the evening before was all saved up. Much easier to get off and honestly, much more intense and enjoyable orgasms.  So, that became the way of things, enjoying my session with Mistress, dinner with them, my going home to bed, and then waking up the next morning to, erm, finish the job. :P

Even though it worked out and was great, it still bothered me that I couldn't come in session. I mean, it was a real treat when she would permit me the opportunity and I can't express how badly I wanted to. I just, physically, was unable. So weird and so frustrating!

Now, this article lists no citations and there are also some misspellings, which make me a bit skeptical, but it sure does make a lot of sense. Or, at least, anecdotally so, based on all of the sexual experiences I've had. I'd say I know my body pretty well at this point and, as I have said, I find my physical/sexual reaction in session to be completely odd.
One thing we do know: having an orgasm while in “subspace” is biologically next to impossible!
This is because the hormonal chain of events leading to subspace is quite different from the one leading to an orgasm. In the early stages of the route to both “subspace” and orgasm, these chains of events are quite similar. But at some point along the way, the body has to make a choice: either go for orgasm, or go for subspace. One excludes the other. In other words, whenever a submissive tells you he or she “was cumming like there is no tomorrow” that is exactly what has been happening. But, no more than that. There is nothing wrong with an orgasm. On the contrary, in fact. But it just isn't “subspace”.
...
Here we reach a crucial junction. Once the endorphins production gets well underway, there is a choice to make: are we “going into subspace” or will it be an orgasm today? Remember, one excludes the other. No one knows exactly how or why this choice is being made but - remember, hormone receptors are genetically determined - at least some of that has to be in the genetic code somewhere.
So, why is there such a crucial choice? Well, in order to follow the hormonal route to an orgasm the body now will have to start to produce a group of hormones called GnRH. These will eventually trigger the production of yet another hormone (genadotropine), which induces the production and release of steroids (the “sex” hormones). As soon as the GnRH production starts the endorphins production slows down and finally stops. In other words: no “fountains” -- no “subspace”.
Up to this point your body has produced quite a lot of these “mood hormones” and that is responsible for the feelings of bonding, attachment, affection, security and love. This makes sense, since these emotions - in females especially - are a necessity for the orgasm. This is what some people describe as “floating”. No, that is not one of “stages of subspace”. Actually that is pretty general, normal human behavior and quite necessary.
So, here is again a crucial difference in BDSM-experience - physically and mentally recognisable: if there now will be an orgasm, that is what you go for. And, orgasms are NICE! And very good to have. But …… THEY ARE NOT “SUBSPACE”. The bonding and affection emotions however, can be a first step towards it.



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

"Thou art to me a delicious torment."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, May 18, 2012

World News


.... my world, of course.  Mistress is gone and the preparations and the aftermath have been all-consuming.  The latter half of last month is a bit of a blur, packed full of moving preparations. To make things even crazier, I also was moving! So unbelievably hectic and difficult and heartbreaking.

I keep sitting down to write, getting a few sentences in, and then finding myself stuck. Purposely letting myself get distracted. It's all there, behind the wall, but not easy to get out.

I don't want to dwell too much, for nothing good can come of that. Down that path lies danger; serious depression that, once entered into, I will be lost for a time. It's just.. I do have to write about it. I have to talk about this drastic change in my life, how surreal it feels. I had this amazing, interesting, and totally fulfilling thing in my life and now it's gone. How I feel like a piece of me is missing. The emptiness, the loss.

I'm faced with the sadness and loss every day. As I drive around town, the reminders are everywhere; every place we frequented, it's a bittersweet stab of memory. The memories are sweet and I cherish them, because they are full of quality time spent together. I got so much more than I ever imagined from my service, from her, from her husband. I regret nothing, and am grateful for so much. I know the pain will fade in time, but it's been difficult. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the end, this change.. not having them around, it's bizarre. That they are physically so far away, where I once was so happy to be in their company and a part of their daily lives.

I'm terrified that I will be left behind, emotionally as well as physically. It happens. People move away, life goes on, it's very easy to get consumed with life, what is happening presently and immediately. Easy to let long-distance relationships fade. I know because I am guilty of it, myself. Whenever I moved over the years, I always thought that I would keep up with my besties, but time and distance have a way of mislaying those sorts of plans.

So, I guess that's what I'm mourning. I am trying to prepare myself for the fact that this is all really over. I can't expect the maintenance of this relationship, despite how deeply I feel, how much it means to me. I have never had a relationship like this before and it has been transformative and so beautiful. Despite dating and even having long-term relationships, I have not had such a profound and moving relationship in about ten years. I am feeling a gigantic loss, but trying to focus on the wonderful aspects. How grateful I am to have been so lucky! For all that I have learned, for her patience, caring, and gentleness, From the moment that I met her, I was launched into a whole new era of myself; bigger, brighter, better, and so much more confident.

As I began writing this entry, the following song came on.

"Another Lonely Day" by Ben Harper
Yes indeed I'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
I can't find in between
cause I've been with witches
and I have been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
but temptation from you
but I'd rather walk alone
than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself
than let you drag me down

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
and now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one I love
today I hardly know
you I held so close in my heart oh dear
grow further from me
with every falling tear

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day







Thursday, May 03, 2012

Gone

Mistress is gone. The end was a hectic rush of packing, cleaning, and moving, with little sleep for anyone. I did a pretty good job of holding it together, at least until it was time to bid goodbye to the animals, who flew out separately.

It's been a bit surreal. Even now, I am having difficulty swallowing the fact that it's all over.

Suddenly, I have so much time. In a way, it's nice, a break; after all, I pretty much worked two jobs for nearly a year. It's just so weird. In the past week, I've had to shift my thinking. I keep catching myself stuck in the way things have been, thinking things like, "Oh, the next time I go over to... oh."

It's bizarre. A radical shift. I'm still moving into my new apartment, putting things away, and this has taken up some of the free time I now find myself with, thankfully. But already, I'm itching for something more. I miss what was. I miss Mistress, I miss my family. I don't know quite what to do with myself. I felt wanted, loved, and cared for. Now it all seems so empty.

They are so far away and I know things can't stay the same. I know the distance will grow, as will I grow accustomed to this loss. It just seems so weird. How I could have this one moment, and a gaping hole the next.

All the kink, the amazing sessions, gone. That is hard to fathom, too. Not knowing when I might next be beaten, topped, spanked, or whatever... so depressing. I have no luck with women at all, it's all based on chance. So depressing.

On the positive side, I have learned so much in the past year -- my mind blown wide open. I learned what it means to be a submissive, for real. How to behave, what is expected; it was a bit of a mental shift. Serving Mistress was a beautiful thing. How grateful I am for such a safe and nurturing environment to be myself, a place where I was cared for and looked after.

Our relationship had just begun to develop into a wonderfully comfortable thing, a place where we knew each other intimately, where comfortable silence could be experienced, or an anticipation of the other's thoughts, feelings, and desires.

It's been like a dream. So amazing, so perfect, I never expected to find what had always existed entirely in my head.

How grateful I am that we crossed paths, ,that she had the faith and trust to let me into her life. She has transformed me; I am not the same person I was a year ago and I have her to thank.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Surrender


During our last session, Mistress had me get out the anal hook -- an item that's been in the toybag this whole time but had gone untried, thus increasing its mystery (and my curiosity) to epic proportions.

This led to my being bent over, and the hook inserted, then tied to my hands at the small of my back. The hook felt nothing like I'd imagined. Much less severe and not as cold as I'd anticipated. In fact, I didn't even realize it was inside me at first and after that, it was something close to comfortable (as comfortable as a person can get with an anal hook in their ass) and, at times, almost unnoticeable.

Mistress began to beat me with alacrity, the goal being to make me pull on the hook with my arms as I squirmed in pain. Between that and her intentionally hitting the hook with various implements as she beat me, I had constant reminders of my current position.

It was very hot and I found that, in addition to being physically stimulating, it brought up some interesting new feelings. For one, being in that position, bent over, exposed, feeling really open, the hook lodged inside me, it was a deliciously vulnerable and submissive position. In fact, I felt deeply submissive in a way I've never experienced before, probably the most submissive I've ever felt.

Going into this, having pondered what it would be like, I honestly didn't know what to expect. I was a bit surprised at how the addition of the hook could so influence my experience. I certainly didn't expect it to be so moving and I also didn't expect to like it so much!

After beating me a while, Mistress shoved my favorite dildo in my pussy. The combined sensations of her fucking me with the hook in my ass was simply too pleasurable for words. There were a couple of times when it was almost too much pleasure and I wasn't sure if I could take any more, but I certainly wasn't in any position to escape! The reason I love that particular dildo is that is has a bit of a pronounced head, very good for getting all the right places inside. There was one point where my g-spot was being stimulated fast and hard and I had the feeling I've gotten in the past when I've felt I was close to squirting. I never have, but I've felt close before, and this was one of those times. It felt unbelievably pleasurable.

She struck me hard with a cane while she fucked me and I found that really interesting, as well. I can't say I've had much of pain and pleasure combined, so this was somewhat of a new experience. As I've said before, canes usually are a real bitch; very painful in a morphing, lingering kind of way, but the pleasure tempered the pain. So, it hurt, but there were competing sensations and I noted that the pain did not linger. It was easier to take and less stingy. I also found that I cared less about the pain, but that could very well be because I was rather focused on the delicious sensations of double penetration happening at the same time.

I was surprised again when it all ended; she abruptly stopped what she was doing and withdrew... I was highly stimulated, both physically and mentally, and I had a sudden rush of emotion... the next thing I knew, tears were in my eyes and I was crying.

It took me completely by surprise, especially since I'd been completely blissed out, lost in overwhelming, pleasurable sensation. Totally not in my head at all. In thinking about it, I realize that the tears were an emotional reaction to all the delicious stimulation, to my feeling so vulnerable and so submissive. In the end, I felt total surrender.

My tears were completely happy and out of feeling amazing, both mentally and physically. I suppose that I was just so overwhelmed that all I could do in that moment was burst into tears to release some of the pent-up emotion.

The session also included a pair of very hot tall boots with lacing up the back (basically, it just doesn't get much better or hotter than that!). I haven't mentioned it here yet, but I have a huge fetish for ladies in tall boots. These particular boots, Mistress wore during our first session and I definitely noticed them. I got to have some quality time with the boots, which was super hot and which made me really happy.

I still feel really happy and content when I think about this last session. Man, it was so good! Part of me kind of wishes the anal hook had made an appearance earlier... ;)

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Pain

It's funny.. when I started out on my kinky journey, it all began so simply: I discovered that I really like to be spanked. For a while, it was all about spanking. I barely dipped my toes into the pool of D/s, but I certainly did introduce every girlfriend I've had to the joys of spanking me. I say it like that because, apparently, I'm loads of fun to spank. Even people who were not spankos, had never erotically spanked anyone, or who were otherwise originally ambivalent, quickly got on board and came to enjoy delivering with gusto. Lucky me!

One thing I noted with curiosity over the years was how ridiculously wet and aroused a spanking would make me. Indeed, the whole thing was very arousing on multiple levels, but I could never pinpoint the moment, or the action, or the specific thing that triggered such a profuse display of arousal. I'd sit and wonder sometimes, What is it about a spanking that evokes such a reaction? Is it the submission, the intimacy, the pain?

A bit further down the road I am now, and I find myself in a place where I've tasted more things, my horizons are much more broad. I realize now that I am definitely a masochist; it's not that there was ever any doubt, but it's not something I would have known about myself when all I'd been was spanked. I've now experienced a fairly broad range of torments (tempered with sensory pleasures) and I've come to learn that not only am I most willing subject, I have a relatively high tolerance for pain.

Pain is on the menu with regularity and with it, I've come to develop a complex and interesting relationship. I am a masochist, it's true, but every masochist is different and not all pain is created equal.

If you were to poll a bunch of masochists, you'd find that each one has different preferences; different likes, loves, and hates where pain is concerned. Some are true pain sluts and will take whatever, wherever, as long as it hurts. Others, like me, favor certain stimuli over others.

Pain comes in many forms and sometimes in more than one form at once! Some pain stings. Other pain thuds, burns, stabs, or throbs. Some pain is diffuse, others more acute and sharp. Some pain is over the moment the strike ends. Other pain hurts on impact and continues to resonate through the body, much like a bell when struck. Some pain starts as one thing and then becomes another.

A hard stroke with a cane can thud and sting at the start, then morph into a deep, burning, continuous pain. Canes are a real bitch, by the way. I still have a light scar from a hard cane stroke on my calf, from months ago! Don't get me wrong, though.. They do make the prettiest and longest-lasting marks.

I like to think I can take a pretty good beating; Mistress does love to dole it out and at times, it's challenging. Sometimes my nipples are sore for days afterward and I'm reminded every time I dress, every time they are accidentally brushed. Other times, I carry with me the reminders of bruises, scratches, and cane stripes. I love having marks to show the kind of beating I've taken and to remind me later of the fun time we had.

Sometimes, the pain is downright erotic -- there is no other way to describe it. Each sensation of pain like a direct line straight between my legs. It's my holy grail of S&M and such an amazingly pleasurable surprise when my body responds this way. I've yet to determine why, what the factors are. It happens most frequently with bare-handed spanking; not sure what it is, but holy hell, does bare-handed spanking get my motor revving. Something about that particular sensation, skin against skin, thuddy and stingy at once, it's almost always erotic.

Other times, when I've been lucky, strokes from weapons have affected me in the same way. It's kind of amazing, actually -- every stroke translated into deeply erotic pleasure, like a hand stroking between my legs. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does -- oh my god. Purely amazing. There is nothing else like it.

Now, it's not always that fun, and that's why I say my relationship with pain is complicated. Some days, it's easy to take, other times (such as the week before my period), I'm super sensitive and everything really hurts. Sometimes, a beating is a struggle to take -- my mind and body are at odds.

Interestingly, no matter what my experience, my body responds. Even when a beating is challenging, even when I feel like I'm enduring it (rather than actively enjoying it), I crave it. Not only that, but my body responds by getting intensely aroused.

It amazes me sometimes, how physically aroused I get. My enjoyment, or lack thereof, in the moment makes no difference. For example, during our last session, I was very sensitive to pain due to the time of the month, but I ended up dripping wet, literally (and somewhat embarrassingly).

Make no mistake -- no matter my experience at the time, I love it. There are times when I might not enjoy something in the moment, but upon reflection, those things become intensely hot. I find this to be really interesting, actually. It allows me to be more open about doing things (or having things done to me) because pretty much no matter what, I end up thinking that it's really hot. It may take me until a bit later, but very often, the things that are the most difficult in the moment are the hottest masturbation fodder later.

Also, what else I find interesting is that even when I'm taking a beating and it's challenging... maybe I'm having a really hard time in the moment and I want it to stop... the moment that it does, a little voice in my head goes, "Oh, wait... is that the end? Is it over? No, don't stop! I want more!"

I really had no idea I was such a masochist, until I met Mistress. It was always about spanking and how surprising it was to me that receiving had such a profoundly arousing effect on me. I like to imagine that Mistress has come to explore the depths of her sadism, just as much as I have come to explore just what a masochist I truly am.

Pain that is intentionally caused by someone else is pretty much always arousing. I'm no pain slut -- self-inflicted, accidental, and/or surprise pain is no fun. I don't get off from stubbing my toe or accidentally burning myself. Head, facial, or dental pain -- no fun and impossible to sexualize. Well, aside from hair pulling -- that is always, always welcome. :)

There's just something about being someone's victim or test subject, being the target of their attentions, the source of their amusement... well, despite how it might be in the moment, it will always end up as hot.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

See You Next Tuesday

Hold on to your hats, because this post might be uncomfortable for some. I'm about to say a word -- a lot -- that makes quite a few people squirm.

Cunt.

One of my favorite words, if I'm being honest. Yes, it's dirty and it's shocking, but that is part of its appeal. As I mentioned recently, I love words. So, I spend time pondering language, word meanings and origins, the impact of certain words, and so on.  'Cunt' is one of the most charged words in the English language, right up there with 'fuck' and with racial slurs. I would argue, however, that 'cunt' is more powerful than 'fuck' -- for you can insert the word 'fuck' into conversation without skipping a beat. I invite you to drop the word 'cunt' and see what happens.

I find it very amusing.

Speaking in generalities here, of course. People are visibly shocked. Conversation stutters or comes to a screeching halt. They blink at you in disbelief. Did you just say what they thought you said? I like to smile a little and look back at them unapologetically.

It's just a word.  It's a word without any real punch, otherwise, if you think about it. It is merely a vulgar word for genitalia; unlike a racial slur, which packs behind it huge histories of oppression and discrimination. Racial slurs have no place in language, in my opinion, and they are rightly taboo.

But what of 'cunt'? Isn't it amazing that one little word could have so much power? This one little one-syllable word packs more wallop than tens of thousands of words in the English language. I find that to be pretty amazing and that is why 'cunt' has garnered an esteemed place in my vocabulary.

If you're curious, Wikipedia has a very interesting article about the origins of the word.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Exhibitionism

At the end of our last session, where she had invited in another Mistress to poke a bunch of needles through my delicate bits, Mistress inquired about my feelings regarding her periodically inviting people in to do things to me. She pointed out that I'd never blogged about it, despite the fact that it's happened a bunch of times, and she was curious to hear how I felt about it. I'm not sure why it hadn't occurred to me thus far to blog about this, considering how much I like it and the frequency with which it happens.

I've done quite a lot of thinking and self-reevaluation over the past year. Delving into kink and into my service relationship with Mistress have been really good for me in a lot of ways, especially in terms of personal growth and awareness.  Previous to this year, I would have described myself as shy, but as I've come to realize, it's maybe not so much shyness as it is social anxiety and fear. I'm shy in new social situations, downright afraid sometimes, but when and if I'm able to overcome it, I am actually a fairly outgoing and gregarious person.

When you chip away at the social anxiety, underneath, I have an exhibitionistic streak that cannot be denied! I began doing theater at age five and I fell in love with it immediately. I think that I am a born performer -- I love to be watched, to hold people's rapt attention, to hear their reactions or applause. What I love most is to entertain, as is likely clearly evident if you spend any time with me. Ha.

Growing up, I continued to be involved in theater, drama clubs, and plays, but it wasn't until college that I found my niche in improv; something that I really hope to get back into soon. There's something about performing and entertaining people that is incredibly energizing and it satisfies some very deep-rooted needs. Part of it is an attention thing, as well.. having someone's full attention can be very exciting.

I know I've mentioned what a lucky girl I am, but it's so true! Mistress is a Pro Domme and works in an amazingly-equipped BDSM house, where we play. One of these days, I'm going to have to do a post solely on "The Big House", as the ladies call it; it's so incredibly amazing and special, and one of the things for which I feel very fortunate.

Over the course of our play, Mistress has invited other Mistresses in.  What happens next varies completely, dependent on the day and on the visitor; sometimes it's more of a social call and they talk around me as if I'm a piece of furniture, sometimes I'm a teaching tool and a demo bottom, other times a Mistress might have a particular skill (such as with whips) that I get to enjoy. I like existing there as a plaything for whatever they desire and I try to make Mistress proud of me in front of her friends.

I love having other ladies come in; it's a thrill because I never know what's going to happen and also because I know that it's a treat from Mistress. I would be exceedingly content if it were just Mistress and me, as I cherish our time together and she is plenty fun and sadistic on her own. Just, I know it's meant as a treat and it is! What crazy person wouldn't want two or more beautiful, intelligent, and playful ladies torturing them? It makes me feel very special and all warm and tingly inside. I mean, how lucky can a girl get??

I will hear a knock at the door, usually when I'm in a compromising position. Totally naked, often tied down on a spanking horse with my rear end pointed toward the door, so anyone entering gets an immediate view of my ass and pussy.  I get a kick out of envisioning what the visiting Mistress sees upon entering the room; I, myself, would probably chuckle were the roles reversed. With play, both alone with Mistress and in front of others, I used to be way more self-conscious about my body than I am now; it's not gone completely, but I have spent enough time with Mistress, at The Big House, and have met the other Mistresses enough times to be pretty comfortable. I will probably never love my body, but I know they see all types and no one has made anything near a disparaging comment, so I have given up caring for the most part.

I love it all, even being objectified and being treated as if I am not there. That's not something I usually love in day-to-day life; in fact, quite the opposite. However, in a session, under Mistress' control, it's very safe, a kind of game. There's something so interesting about the Mistresses discussing me as if I were an animal or part of the room decoration; I can't quite put words to it, but it evokes very particular feelings. Complete submission, which is amazing in its own right. That I'm there for her amusement and delight, whatever form that may take on any given day, which is a huge kink of mine and something that I find extremely satisfying. And, weirdly (for me), I enjoy the feeling that I'm less than them, worth talking about, perhaps, but only talked to if I'm good and/or at their whims.

Another weird kink I have is that of being a guinea pig (within reason, of course). If there's something that's not been tried, try it on me! You're new? You need a test subject? You want to try out a toy you've never used? You need someone on which to practice rope stuff? Me, me, me!  So, at The Big House, there have been, over time, new Mistresses coming in and needing training. We certainly can't have them flailing at paying clients, but we certainly can have them flail at me to gain some practice!  I find this particular kink of mine to be quirky and amusing. My guess is that it comes from my explorer's heart, my deep love of kink, and that I will happily accept any attentions in that vein, but there is something else; the aspect of learning and education that I also find attractive. You know, it's all for science...

Then, there are the times where it's energizing and super fun. Having two or more Mistresses gang up on me, hearing them chat and giggle as they torment me in various ways. I really, really enjoy hearing their delight -- I like knowing they are having as much fun doling it out as I am taking it.

Sometimes sensual, sometimes cruel, many fingers traveling my skin. Sometimes tickling, sometimes pinching, a slap, a scratch, a caress. The shock of cold splashes of champagne or water on my hot skin, making me gasp. Sometimes so many stimuli at once that I get lost in a bliss of sensations, I lose track of who, what, where, how many. I just ride the euphoric tide of sensations until I come back to reality. It's really lovely and amazing. :)

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Dirty Vocab

I'm hugely into language, words, and vocabulary. Here are some fun and unusual words with which to pepper your future conversations:

1. bathycolpian /bath ik ALL pee an/: having deep cleavage
2. callipygian /kal ip EYE gee an/: having a nice ass
3. gaucy /GOSS ee/: fat and attractive
4. lovertine /LUV er teen/: addicted to sex
5. mammose /mam OSE/: having big breasts (different from bathycolpian, in that no cleavage need be formed)
6. mastigophoric /mass tig o FOR ik/: whip-wielding
7. meable /MEE uh bull/: easily penetrated (not explicitly sexual, but very well-suited to innuendo)
8. omnifutuant /om nee FOO tyoo ant/: prone to engage in sexual activity with anything
9. paphian /PAY fee an/: having to do with illicit love
10. peccable /PEK uh bul/: liable to sin (opposite of impeccable, in its original meaning)
11. rammish /RAM ish/: lustful, like a ram
12. steatopygous /stee at OP ig us/: having a big ass
13. syndyasmian /sin die AZ mee an/: pertaining to promiscuous sexual pairing, or to the temporary cohabitation of couples
14. thelypthoric /thel ip THOR ik/: morally corruptive to women

Thursday, March 01, 2012

The End


Mistress is moving soon and this is something that I have been avoiding thinking about. I've yet to really process it, mainly because every time I pause for a moment and really think about it, tears come to my eyes. I can't think about it, because I cannot break down yet. I know Mistress is suffering, too, and I want to be positive and pleasant and to make the most out of what time we have left together, for it to be enjoyable for everyone.

How to express what this relationship means to me, how hard the loss of it will hit me?  It's not something I can discuss with just anyone; this relationship is complex and multi-faceted and includes elements that most people wouldn't understand. Most of the people I know would not understand what it means to lose one's Mistress. I honestly don't really have the words to cover what my feelings encompass, even to those who might understand. I am trying to not despair, but this huge change is looming on the horizon and it approaches closer every day.

I think of everything, how I found a really wonderful place where I fit and I am loved, how I've become part of the family. How easy things are, how comfortable. I can't fathom yet how much of a void will exist once they are gone, but I know it will be deep and black and painful. I cannot even allow myself to try to imagine life once they're gone... not seeing them, not being involved in their lives, the thought of them no longer nearby... it's a frighteningly cold, empty feeling. I shake my fist at the unfairness of it all; how can this be happening, when I only just met her and things only just got started?

Like a child, I sit here, my face crumpling and tears escaping my eyes, as I think, 'But I don't want it to end! Why does it have to end?'

I suppose I would be less upset if this weren't the story of my life, a pattern that repeats over and over and over in a most unfair way. I meet someone wonderful, someone stellar and uniquely suited for me, like a present from the universe. I get to revel in the joy of their company for a brief, marvelous, golden time and then, due to some circumstance out of my control, I get left, dumped, or otherwise am forced to give up the relationship.  This is why I am so bitter when it comes to relationships -- because the ones that I want, the best ones, I never get to have. AND.. to add insult to injury, they seem to end in really unfair ways.

When it comes to Mistress, there are so many levels of compatibility that are exactly right, at least for me. I've been encouraged to date and play with others, so I've kept my eyes and mind open, yet no one comes even close. I've felt for a long time that I was extraordinarily lucky in landing how I did; I looked around at what else was out there and there wasn't anything better than what I'd found, not even close.

It's all so perfect and wonderful and such a positive, amazing part of my life. I love being in her service. I love everything about it... who she is, her husband, the animals, the whole household. They are all so wonderful and sweet. Everything about it is so good for me; I get someone to take care of in a really safe way, where I'm not abused or taken advantage of. I get to be useful and helpful, but best of all, I get to be these things for someone who really deserves it and is appreciative of my efforts.  Mistress is always giving, caring, doing for others and I see my role as following behind and making sure that she is taken care of.

Everything is just so beautifully balanced, we each have our part to fill, but it seems so easy and so right. It's like a romantic relationship, that panicked, sinking feeling of 'Oh my god, I found this person who is such a perfect fit, and I for them, how the hell am I ever supposed to find something this perfect again?'

How am I going to find something this perfect again?

I look around and I see an impossible task.  I see them leaving and my going back to where I was before we met, single, alone, wishing and dreaming... only now, a bit sadder because I'll know precisely what I'm missing.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

'Questions About Your Service Kink'


What is your ideal sort of dominant with whom or relationship in which to give service? What sort of dominant persona and traits do you idealize or prefer as far as giving service is concerned?

I got really lucky, in that I found exactly the type of dominant I had been dreaming about, right off the bat. I wasn't able to put it into words before, but now that I know and serve her.. kind, gentle, but severe and firm when necessary. Highly intelligent (honestly, Mistress has by far exceeded my dreams in this regard), creative, sensual, sadistic, naturally dominant, perverted, exhibitionistic, adventurous. Nurturing, compassionate, fun-loving. Immensely trustworthy in all regards. Someone I can like, love, and admire deeply. As a bonus, she's incredibly experienced and amazing at rope work and wielding any weapon. I'm so freaking lucky (and terribly sad that she's moving across the country soon). :(

If applicable, what would be your ideal sort of household?

I don't exactly know the answer to that question yet... requires more experience. I will say that I am very happy in my current situation, although ideally, it would also include sexual service. Mistress is pretty much the dream girl that I have fantasized about for years but didn't actually think existed and I don't need much more than I'm getting now, but you know.. sex and snuggles would be really nice. Maybe even getting to share a bed with someone every now and then. The toughest part for me right now is having a giant crush on her and having all these sexual wants that can't go anywhere.

Also, ideally, I would love to be owned by someone. That's something I have wanted so much, for a really, really long time. I love hearing the words "You're mine" or "Who do you belong to?"

"What you get back" is part of the question too, although that's been covered more in previous posts iirc. How about--if you have 'service fantasies' of any kind, what do you get back there, is it the same or different from what you get back in reality?

What I get out of it is a very long and complex answer. Short answer is that I get a lot of happiness and personal satisfaction out of helping and doing things for people. I get even more enjoyment when it's a D/s dynamic because the other person is more likely to pay attention to my actions and be appreciative of them.. I feel like there's a bit more to it, where it's like something offered and graciously taken, rather than a plain old completed task. I also admit that it's just more fun and exciting if I know the person is a D-type and they know I'm an s-type, so then the things I do are more chivalrous, service-y, and obviously tailored to serve them.

So far, my service fantasies have been pretty close to reality when they actually happen. I'd always had a fantasy about serving at a BDSM/kink event and I got the opportunity to make that reality earlier this month, when I served at the Service & Suspension Showcase at the Citadel. I know it seems such an odd thing, to enjoy waiting on people, but it's my occupation, I'm good at it, and it's such a treat when I'm able to use my skills toward something fun and enjoyable, like waiting on friends who come to visit me at my restaurant, or something like the Citadel dinner.

What is your favorite type of service, in theory or practice? Any unusual sorts of service that catch your imagination or inspire you?

Well, I won't lie.. I don't love cleaning. I most enjoy the things that aren't tedious or repetitive. I think perhaps what I love the most are things that I only get asked to do occasionally, such as helping her with grooming, jewelry, rubbing her feet, etc. What I wish I could do more of are the things solely for her enjoyment, but she is often uncomfortable simply accepting these things because she sees other things that could be done, she feels strange or selfish sitting back and accepting them, etc. I would be very happy to rub her feet, brush her hair, or whatever else, especially if it was something that would sort of force her to relax, take a few moments to herself, and just enjoy the feeling of whatever it is. I would love for her to revel in my service, as I do... it's a wonderful feeling.

Reading

I'm working my way through The Science of Orgasm and it's so interesting that I wish I could post it here!  The authors discuss just about everything pertaining to orgasm; physiology, psychology, evolution, myth, fact... they even address and discuss other studies and findings. Admittedly, this is not exactly brainless reading, but if you're interested in science, the inner workings of the human body, and, well... sex.. I highly recommend this book.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Breath Play

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Up until last year, a lot of kink was only theory (i.e. I had read about it, but never tried it, experienced it, seen it, etc.) and I felt extreme trepidation about breath play and a lot of edge play in general. I do enjoy the feeling of someone's hand on my throat, with some pressure, but I never had gone so far as to experience choking or breath control. I just kept thinking, God, that's so unsafe.. what if something goes wrong.. what if the person doing it doesn't do it correctly or doesn't know what they're doing.. what if.. what if.. what if...

I wasn't entirely closed off to the idea, but I certainly was not seeking it out, nor did I expect to participate in said activities, thinking they were 'kink fringe', if you will.

So, imagine my surprise when during a session that I was completely, inescapably bound to a spanking horse, Mistress' hands found their way to my face. It being completely new to me, I didn't realize what was happening until she did it: her fingers pinched my nose shut with one hand and covered my mouth with the other.

It was really a most interesting sensation. No feeling of fear or panic at all. She is extremely capable and experienced, so I trust her implicitly. Just a few moments of quiet, her holding my head like that, while I thought, Huh... this is interesting. She let go to reposition/get a better grip, and I was able to draw a deep breath in anticipation, then she closed off my airways again for a few moments. It was actually more peaceful than anything; I simply relaxed and basked in the feeling of fondness and trust toward her.

One other time that was exceedingly memorable, well, she had surprised me by having me lie on my back with my legs apart, and bound me that way. I was expecting to have the insides of my thighs beaten, but she instead took out her Magic Wand and spent the next eternity (oh man, it was so good and it felt like it lasted forever!) torturing me with it. After she had been at it a while, she'd driven me to an extreme state of arousal, I was incredibly stimulated everywhere, and close to orgasm. My cloth blindfold was pulled down to my neck; she continued to torture me with the Magic Wand in one hand, while reaching to twist and tighten the cloth around my neck with the other. This mostly restricted my airway, causing my moans and groans to be kind of strangled, struggling to draw a breath. Holy fuck, that was so hot.

It hasn't happened much, maybe two or three times so far, but I have to say that I really like it. Talk about handing over total control to someone! And the trust involved? Fucking hot.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Whereupon Your Beloved Author is Dealt a Swift Gut-Punch by the Universe

I got some rather startling and disturbing news a couple of nights ago, that Mistress and her husband are moving across the country to take care of his elderly parents. The talk at first was doing the move thoughtfully and calmly over a long period, like a year. That was a bit easier to swallow... but now she is saying she wants to do it expeditiously, time frame 2-3 months, because the more time that passes is just more chance for something bad to happen without them there.

I have been trying to process this since two nights ago and I didn't allow myself to cry, but last night, I finally broke down and I haven't been able to stop.

I am very reasonable and understanding and of course someone should go take care of their parents. But I have to be reasonable everywhere else, so I just want to be selfish for a minute here and say that it's so unfair. So unfair.

They are moving back to their home, which is, ironically, about an hour away from whence I fled. So many reasons why I can't go with them, not the least of which is that I vowed never to move for a girl again (which is what got me stuck across the country in the first place and sort of became a pattern of behavior that my friends now tease me about).

I just fought a 10-year fight to move back here, my home.. I went through so much hell, living away, and it was terribly difficult. I had to rely on the kindness and charity of family to even get me where I am now. I just can't... I want to, of course, but I can't and I shouldn't. I need to finish school and try to get my shit together finally.

It's all so sudden. I can't wrap my head around it. We had had all these plans.. neither of us ever foresaw our relationship or my service ending so soon or so abruptly. It's too abrupt.

I shake my fist at the universe for the unfairness of it all. I feel like we just met. I feel like we were incredibly well-suited for each other. She has been a mentor, a dear and close friend, and the gatekeeper to so many new and wonderful things.

I'm crushed.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Happy New Year!

The last day of 2011 was pretty awesome.  I had agreed to volunteer as a roving ticket-seller (à la cigarette girl) at The Citadel's Wonderland fundraiser, which, being shy, definitely took me out of my comfort zone. I was quite proud of myself, though; not only did I throw myself into it, I was massively successful!  Apparently, I am exceedingly charming when I want to be and I managed to work the crowd out of a lot of money. In fact, I sold the most tickets of any of the girls, by far -- I even had to go back to drop money and get more tickets.  Total ego boost!

In addition to that, I contributed to the cause by buying myself a spanking (from two ladies at once, lucky me!), as well as a lap dance. I'm not usually one to get excited about strippers or lap dances, but the girl doing it was the first person to buy tickets from me, before I knew she was one of the booths, and we had chatted a bit. She was super nice and personable, not to mention gorgeous. So, when I saw her doing her thang, I knew I had to get in on it.  It did not disappoint.

To round out the fundraiser fun, there was also a silent auction of an awesome variety of toys, books, services, shoes, art, and so on.  I put my name down on a bunch of things, hoping I would win something, but was completely unsure as to what would happen.

Somehow, magically, serendipitously, I managed to be the only bidder on this set of leather spankers -- I won them for $10. $10!!

I never win anything, so I still can't believe my luck! However, I am seriously jazzed, as I have almost nothing in terms of a toybag, so this is quite the score.

After the fundraiser, I debated whether I wanted to attend the Citadel's NYE party. I did have a lot of fun at the fundraiser, but ultimately, I decided to pass on the party because I don't really know anyone.  Instead, I texted my friend to see what he was doing and he happened to be free, so we met for a drink and dinner, then proceeded to party our faces off until dawn.