Sunday, March 18, 2012

See You Next Tuesday

Hold on to your hats, because this post might be uncomfortable for some. I'm about to say a word -- a lot -- that makes quite a few people squirm.

Cunt.

One of my favorite words, if I'm being honest. Yes, it's dirty and it's shocking, but that is part of its appeal. As I mentioned recently, I love words. So, I spend time pondering language, word meanings and origins, the impact of certain words, and so on.  'Cunt' is one of the most charged words in the English language, right up there with 'fuck' and with racial slurs. I would argue, however, that 'cunt' is more powerful than 'fuck' -- for you can insert the word 'fuck' into conversation without skipping a beat. I invite you to drop the word 'cunt' and see what happens.

I find it very amusing.

Speaking in generalities here, of course. People are visibly shocked. Conversation stutters or comes to a screeching halt. They blink at you in disbelief. Did you just say what they thought you said? I like to smile a little and look back at them unapologetically.

It's just a word.  It's a word without any real punch, otherwise, if you think about it. It is merely a vulgar word for genitalia; unlike a racial slur, which packs behind it huge histories of oppression and discrimination. Racial slurs have no place in language, in my opinion, and they are rightly taboo.

But what of 'cunt'? Isn't it amazing that one little word could have so much power? This one little one-syllable word packs more wallop than tens of thousands of words in the English language. I find that to be pretty amazing and that is why 'cunt' has garnered an esteemed place in my vocabulary.

If you're curious, Wikipedia has a very interesting article about the origins of the word.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Exhibitionism

At the end of our last session, where she had invited in another Mistress to poke a bunch of needles through my delicate bits, Mistress inquired about my feelings regarding her periodically inviting people in to do things to me. She pointed out that I'd never blogged about it, despite the fact that it's happened a bunch of times, and she was curious to hear how I felt about it. I'm not sure why it hadn't occurred to me thus far to blog about this, considering how much I like it and the frequency with which it happens.

I've done quite a lot of thinking and self-reevaluation over the past year. Delving into kink and into my service relationship with Mistress have been really good for me in a lot of ways, especially in terms of personal growth and awareness.  Previous to this year, I would have described myself as shy, but as I've come to realize, it's maybe not so much shyness as it is social anxiety and fear. I'm shy in new social situations, downright afraid sometimes, but when and if I'm able to overcome it, I am actually a fairly outgoing and gregarious person.

When you chip away at the social anxiety, underneath, I have an exhibitionistic streak that cannot be denied! I began doing theater at age five and I fell in love with it immediately. I think that I am a born performer -- I love to be watched, to hold people's rapt attention, to hear their reactions or applause. What I love most is to entertain, as is likely clearly evident if you spend any time with me. Ha.

Growing up, I continued to be involved in theater, drama clubs, and plays, but it wasn't until college that I found my niche in improv; something that I really hope to get back into soon. There's something about performing and entertaining people that is incredibly energizing and it satisfies some very deep-rooted needs. Part of it is an attention thing, as well.. having someone's full attention can be very exciting.

I know I've mentioned what a lucky girl I am, but it's so true! Mistress is a Pro Domme and works in an amazingly-equipped BDSM house, where we play. One of these days, I'm going to have to do a post solely on "The Big House", as the ladies call it; it's so incredibly amazing and special, and one of the things for which I feel very fortunate.

Over the course of our play, Mistress has invited other Mistresses in.  What happens next varies completely, dependent on the day and on the visitor; sometimes it's more of a social call and they talk around me as if I'm a piece of furniture, sometimes I'm a teaching tool and a demo bottom, other times a Mistress might have a particular skill (such as with whips) that I get to enjoy. I like existing there as a plaything for whatever they desire and I try to make Mistress proud of me in front of her friends.

I love having other ladies come in; it's a thrill because I never know what's going to happen and also because I know that it's a treat from Mistress. I would be exceedingly content if it were just Mistress and me, as I cherish our time together and she is plenty fun and sadistic on her own. Just, I know it's meant as a treat and it is! What crazy person wouldn't want two or more beautiful, intelligent, and playful ladies torturing them? It makes me feel very special and all warm and tingly inside. I mean, how lucky can a girl get??

I will hear a knock at the door, usually when I'm in a compromising position. Totally naked, often tied down on a spanking horse with my rear end pointed toward the door, so anyone entering gets an immediate view of my ass and pussy.  I get a kick out of envisioning what the visiting Mistress sees upon entering the room; I, myself, would probably chuckle were the roles reversed. With play, both alone with Mistress and in front of others, I used to be way more self-conscious about my body than I am now; it's not gone completely, but I have spent enough time with Mistress, at The Big House, and have met the other Mistresses enough times to be pretty comfortable. I will probably never love my body, but I know they see all types and no one has made anything near a disparaging comment, so I have given up caring for the most part.

I love it all, even being objectified and being treated as if I am not there. That's not something I usually love in day-to-day life; in fact, quite the opposite. However, in a session, under Mistress' control, it's very safe, a kind of game. There's something so interesting about the Mistresses discussing me as if I were an animal or part of the room decoration; I can't quite put words to it, but it evokes very particular feelings. Complete submission, which is amazing in its own right. That I'm there for her amusement and delight, whatever form that may take on any given day, which is a huge kink of mine and something that I find extremely satisfying. And, weirdly (for me), I enjoy the feeling that I'm less than them, worth talking about, perhaps, but only talked to if I'm good and/or at their whims.

Another weird kink I have is that of being a guinea pig (within reason, of course). If there's something that's not been tried, try it on me! You're new? You need a test subject? You want to try out a toy you've never used? You need someone on which to practice rope stuff? Me, me, me!  So, at The Big House, there have been, over time, new Mistresses coming in and needing training. We certainly can't have them flailing at paying clients, but we certainly can have them flail at me to gain some practice!  I find this particular kink of mine to be quirky and amusing. My guess is that it comes from my explorer's heart, my deep love of kink, and that I will happily accept any attentions in that vein, but there is something else; the aspect of learning and education that I also find attractive. You know, it's all for science...

Then, there are the times where it's energizing and super fun. Having two or more Mistresses gang up on me, hearing them chat and giggle as they torment me in various ways. I really, really enjoy hearing their delight -- I like knowing they are having as much fun doling it out as I am taking it.

Sometimes sensual, sometimes cruel, many fingers traveling my skin. Sometimes tickling, sometimes pinching, a slap, a scratch, a caress. The shock of cold splashes of champagne or water on my hot skin, making me gasp. Sometimes so many stimuli at once that I get lost in a bliss of sensations, I lose track of who, what, where, how many. I just ride the euphoric tide of sensations until I come back to reality. It's really lovely and amazing. :)

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Dirty Vocab

I'm hugely into language, words, and vocabulary. Here are some fun and unusual words with which to pepper your future conversations:

1. bathycolpian /bath ik ALL pee an/: having deep cleavage
2. callipygian /kal ip EYE gee an/: having a nice ass
3. gaucy /GOSS ee/: fat and attractive
4. lovertine /LUV er teen/: addicted to sex
5. mammose /mam OSE/: having big breasts (different from bathycolpian, in that no cleavage need be formed)
6. mastigophoric /mass tig o FOR ik/: whip-wielding
7. meable /MEE uh bull/: easily penetrated (not explicitly sexual, but very well-suited to innuendo)
8. omnifutuant /om nee FOO tyoo ant/: prone to engage in sexual activity with anything
9. paphian /PAY fee an/: having to do with illicit love
10. peccable /PEK uh bul/: liable to sin (opposite of impeccable, in its original meaning)
11. rammish /RAM ish/: lustful, like a ram
12. steatopygous /stee at OP ig us/: having a big ass
13. syndyasmian /sin die AZ mee an/: pertaining to promiscuous sexual pairing, or to the temporary cohabitation of couples
14. thelypthoric /thel ip THOR ik/: morally corruptive to women

Thursday, March 01, 2012

The End


Mistress is moving soon and this is something that I have been avoiding thinking about. I've yet to really process it, mainly because every time I pause for a moment and really think about it, tears come to my eyes. I can't think about it, because I cannot break down yet. I know Mistress is suffering, too, and I want to be positive and pleasant and to make the most out of what time we have left together, for it to be enjoyable for everyone.

How to express what this relationship means to me, how hard the loss of it will hit me?  It's not something I can discuss with just anyone; this relationship is complex and multi-faceted and includes elements that most people wouldn't understand. Most of the people I know would not understand what it means to lose one's Mistress. I honestly don't really have the words to cover what my feelings encompass, even to those who might understand. I am trying to not despair, but this huge change is looming on the horizon and it approaches closer every day.

I think of everything, how I found a really wonderful place where I fit and I am loved, how I've become part of the family. How easy things are, how comfortable. I can't fathom yet how much of a void will exist once they are gone, but I know it will be deep and black and painful. I cannot even allow myself to try to imagine life once they're gone... not seeing them, not being involved in their lives, the thought of them no longer nearby... it's a frighteningly cold, empty feeling. I shake my fist at the unfairness of it all; how can this be happening, when I only just met her and things only just got started?

Like a child, I sit here, my face crumpling and tears escaping my eyes, as I think, 'But I don't want it to end! Why does it have to end?'

I suppose I would be less upset if this weren't the story of my life, a pattern that repeats over and over and over in a most unfair way. I meet someone wonderful, someone stellar and uniquely suited for me, like a present from the universe. I get to revel in the joy of their company for a brief, marvelous, golden time and then, due to some circumstance out of my control, I get left, dumped, or otherwise am forced to give up the relationship.  This is why I am so bitter when it comes to relationships -- because the ones that I want, the best ones, I never get to have. AND.. to add insult to injury, they seem to end in really unfair ways.

When it comes to Mistress, there are so many levels of compatibility that are exactly right, at least for me. I've been encouraged to date and play with others, so I've kept my eyes and mind open, yet no one comes even close. I've felt for a long time that I was extraordinarily lucky in landing how I did; I looked around at what else was out there and there wasn't anything better than what I'd found, not even close.

It's all so perfect and wonderful and such a positive, amazing part of my life. I love being in her service. I love everything about it... who she is, her husband, the animals, the whole household. They are all so wonderful and sweet. Everything about it is so good for me; I get someone to take care of in a really safe way, where I'm not abused or taken advantage of. I get to be useful and helpful, but best of all, I get to be these things for someone who really deserves it and is appreciative of my efforts.  Mistress is always giving, caring, doing for others and I see my role as following behind and making sure that she is taken care of.

Everything is just so beautifully balanced, we each have our part to fill, but it seems so easy and so right. It's like a romantic relationship, that panicked, sinking feeling of 'Oh my god, I found this person who is such a perfect fit, and I for them, how the hell am I ever supposed to find something this perfect again?'

How am I going to find something this perfect again?

I look around and I see an impossible task.  I see them leaving and my going back to where I was before we met, single, alone, wishing and dreaming... only now, a bit sadder because I'll know precisely what I'm missing.