Monday, December 23, 2013

Current Events

It's been a while since I last posted, this is true. I was waiting for inspiration to hit so that I could share how hot things were with J, but then the holidays arrived and things pretty much derailed. I'm not big on holidays and I usually experience some depression around this time of year, and when I'm depressed, I find it really difficult to write. Plus, I haven't had sex with J in over a month now, so.... yeah.

All was well, things were hot and heavy, and she was clearly into me. The fire petered out somewhat on her end and I started seeing her maybe once a week, when before it was twice, and often it felt kind of like a booty call. That in itself is not a bad thing, but it's impossible to do any of the fun, kinky things we've talked about when tumbling into bed at 1 am, drunk after the bar. I have all these kinky things I want to do with her, all the things we could do, but I'm stuck just talking about them ad fucking nauseum because it doesn't feel like she makes time for me in this way. I get a text when she's horny and it's just a booty call, or she wants to watch a movie or something instead of using that time to do any of the zillion things we've discussed and gotten all excited about.

I'm frustrated and also confused. When we're together, she seems really into me. She is perceptive and gets me in ways most people don't, and generally seems very interested in me. We talk excitedly about all the dirty and kinky things we want to do to each other. Someone we'd just met at the bar commented that J and I had really hot chemistry. And we do! -- which is why I don't understand why she hasn't found time to have the sexytimes with me in over a month.

Okay. Here is where I 'fess up that I did something stupid and really embarrassing. I feel incredibly, profoundly stupid about how this went down, just keep that in mind as you read this and judge me for my idiocy. Anyway, she and I went out to a kinky night at a nightclub to celebrate my birthday. We dressed up, I looked especially hot in some new duds, and we had a lovely evening together. J was driving and I got pretty drunk, with the intention that said drunkenness would get me in the right space for dancing. We danced some, wound up making friends with a really nice woman we met on the dance floor, and generally had a really lovely and fun evening. I wish to god that I could have simply left it at that, and things would have been left at amazing.

We were in the car driving me home, and all was well until about 5 minutes before arriving at my house. J had to go to work really early for a meeting, so I knew we weren't going to spend the night together. I was a little bummed, of course, but we'd gotten together and had some especially hot and intimate sex a couple days before, so I was pretty satisfied that she and I had already celebrated my birthday carnally.

So, drunk me decides that I should voice something that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks, something that sober me would have approached with a hell of a lot more delicacy than what actually happened. We were in the car, almost to my house. Part of me was like, No, don't say it. Don't do it. But then this other part of me was like, No, it's how you feel, man. You gotta express that shit! ← P.S. This part of me is an idiot and really ought to be bitchslapped.

Sooooooo.. yeah, maybe you can guess what happened. I told J that I liked her a lot, which I do, probably more than I'm supposed to. Yeah, yeah, I know. If there was a book written about my life, it would be titled Hi, I Probably Like You More Than I'm Supposed To. (I don't know what, if anything, to do about that, but I'm open to suggestions)

I told J that I knew she didn't want to be tied down, but that I wanted a primary-type relationship with her. She seemed really into me when we're together and we have a close rapport, so I thought maybe she felt the same. I could totally see, based on things she said and did, that she might feel as I did. I don't regret telling her how I felt, but I REALLY regret saying it at that moment. Like, five minutes before arriving at my house, meaning we couldn't really talk about it very long and also that there was zero resolution. I woke up in the morning kicking myself and pretty much dying of embarrassment.

This happened the week before Thanksgiving, for context. I saw J a few days later, when she invited me over after I'd had a few drinks with a friend. I still felt weird about things, but she acted pretty normal. I'd eaten some food that wasn't sitting well, so the not feeling well combined with the feeling weird and awkward about the damned elephant in the room didn't make me feel like being sexual. I felt like it was basically a booty call and I pretty much wasn't feeling up to it. We wound up snuggling all night instead, which was nice.

I've barely seen her since and it's been over a month since we last had sex. In the first few months we knew each other, I was seeing her once or twice a week and having lots of sex, so this is a pretty sharp drop-off. Now... nothing, and she's 'been super busy', so I barely see her or hear from her. Granted, she's a sales manager for a retail chain, it's the busiest shopping time of the year, okay, fine. However, she's informed me that she's been on multiple dates with other people, including one that was a pre-existing friends-with-benefits thing. Seems like she is, indeed, 'too busy' -- too busy for me...

I have to say that I am really sick of people who don't make time for me. I don't feel needy in the sense that I must have all the attention all the time, it's fine if she wants to have other experiences with other people. But it stands out to me when I'm shoved to the side and I'm not getting to have any time with her. Clearly she has no time for me, but enough time for other people! The week after Thanksgiving, she was trying to apologize for work keeping her so busy that she couldn't see me, but then, that was the week she went on three dates with three other people! That doesn't sound like work keeping you busy, girl. Ahem.

At this point, I'm seriously considering ending it and cutting ties with her for a while. The only issue is that we've both joined a club in this time, one that I really would like to continue to be in, so now we have a shared social group. I kind of just want to not see or speak to her for a while, mainly because I don't want to watch just how few fucks she gives about me as she gallivants around, screwing anyone who catches her fancy.

Monday, October 28, 2013

New Girl

About a month ago, I met a girl on OKCupid. She goes by J sometimes, so we'll call her that. I'd browsed her profile, thought she was cute, but I was casually browsing to kill a few minutes and I didn't write her. Fortunately for me, she checked me out and felt compelled enough to make the first move.

She told me she was intrigued by my profile, was very interested in kink, and wanted to know more. I met her at 7 for drinks at a cute bar downtown. We hit it off immediately and the hours flew by. Two cocktails and a bottle of prosecco later, we crossed the street and ventured into another cute bar known for its fresh-squeezed Greyhounds.

A Monday, it was a slow night, and the bar tipped us out onto the street a bit early. I walked her to her car, where we started our goodbyes and immediately started kissing. We kissed.... and kissed... and kissed!

The kissing was so amazing that neither one of us could stop. We did about as much making out as is possible standing on the street downtown at 1:30 am., which is to say there may have been a little grinding and groping, but we did our best to keep it only mildly obscene. When it became clear that we were close to ripping each other's clothes off, I invited her back to my place, where the making out turned into really hot, sensual explorations of each other's bodies. Much to my delight, I discovered that she is very orgasmic and I can make her come over and over and over. Yippee! :D

I'm ecstatic at the sudden bounty of kissing! Finally, to meet a girl who likes to kiss and kiss a lot!

I've gone a long time without kissing; even when I was dating people, I kept finding ones that didn't like to kiss. It was rather disappointing because kissing is HUGE for me, but I kept hoping that I would meet someone who loved it as much as I do. Maybe I finally got some good kissing Karma!

Friday, September 13, 2013

Betty and Beyond

As of a few weeks ago, I broke it off with Betty, a woman I'd dated for maybe three and a half months. This relationship was super confusing, with her saying one thing but behaving another, leaving me to wonder why the relationship wasn't moving forward.

I initiated several conversations during this time, trying to gently inquire as to why, but she would tell me she liked me a lot, was attracted to me, and so on. I just couldn't understand why, if all of that was true, I didn't feel much desire coming from her. I felt like I was getting all the annoying parts of a relationship without any of the good parts. Her lack of fire toward me made it difficult for me to feel desire or anything else, so over time, I wanted her less and less. It was all confusion and frustration, leading me to essentially the same situation I had with Jade.

Like with Jade, it didn't feel good anymore, so I broke it off with Betty. Her response was "I think that's a good idea" and I didn't quite know how to take that. It made me think that she never had really liked me anyway, but was stringing me along for the company and emotional support.. just confirming something I had been coming to realize on my own.

We bought tickets to go to a concert a couple of months ago, so that fell quite unfortunately the week after I broke it off with her. It was a bit awkward, but I honestly didn't care anymore. It had gotten to the point where her mannerisms and such have started to irritate me, so even if she did want to fool around or whatever, I'm sincerely no longer interested. I don't know if I didn't notice before because I had on rose-colored glasses, but she's actually pretty gripey and negative all the time and that is a trait I strongly dislike.

She was having a rough day last week and asked me to dinner. Everything was fine until the end of the meal, when she started griping about her romantic life, how she wants someone to take care of her, and how she can't find this and that.. that same oblivious shit that Jade would do to me. Like, seriously? After all my efforts and patience, you're really going to bitch to me, ignoring the fact that I offer what you claim to want? It feels really insensitive and unfair to me. If you're going to reject me, please don't force me to listen to you bitch and whine about your sex partners sucking or how no one awesome doesn't exist because -- ahem -- clearly one does.

Anyway, when she was whining about just wanting to be taken care of, and 'why can't I find anyone who's.. this.. that.. the other..'

I quietly replied, "But you resisted being taken care of."

With no hesitation, she said, "I wasn't attracted to you."

I just stared at her incredulously. "Well, that would have been nice to know a while ago."

"I know, I'm sorry..."

*shakes fist*

I feel like I wasted so much time and energy on this chick that I was never all that into anyway. I admit that I was motivated by the hope that one day, we would play and/or have sex and just when I'd be fed up and ready to break things off, she would keep me on the hook with little teases and promises of more. She told me she was attracted to me, thought I was smart and funny and blahblah. So, I'm like.. why would you basically pretend to like me and then kind of torture me until I had enough and initiated a breakup? That shit is not nice.


She said she had to figure out her feelings. That she's just really attracted to butch women and masculinity (I am not butch). I was like, "Why the hell didn't you tell me?" She didn't want to hurt my feelings, particularly when I'd just basically been in this situation with Jade and I was starting to wonder what the hell it was about me. Lame. I resent being shielded from the truth, especially since not telling me caused so much more angst over a long period than if she'd just been up front about not feeling it.

Once I let go of that, I found myself 100% single for the first time in a year. Kind of a new and interesting sensation, this always-dating-people thing. I was seeing several at a time there for a while and then one by one, they have fallen to the wayside. Before the past couple of years, never in my life had I ever dated more than one person at a time and never have I ever had so many dating opportunities. It's kind of awesome.

It feels good, actually, being single. Putting an end to the bad-feeling Betty situation felt really good, too. I have been working on being more Zen and part of this is recognizing the need to let go of my overly-intense desires for wanting partners, relationships, sex, play, etc. Someone pointed out to me that wanting something too much is an unhealthy attachment. It's okay to want things, but when the wanting becomes obsessive, it becomes unhealthy. It's certainly a pointless sink of energy, and so I am working on letting go of my desire.

It seems a bit synchronistic that as soon as I ended things with Betty, as soon as I started to let go of an unhealthy desire, some new opportunities have fallen into my lap. One is a Domme I was talking to maybe a year ago; we'd spoken on the phone, hit it off, and planned for me to drive her on some errands the following week. Then, she dropped off the face of the Earth for a while. I sent a gentle inquiring email, but she never responded. I was disappointed, since it sounded like we were a great match and I'd come so close to meeting her!

She resurfaced recently and though I was a bit tempted to contact her, I was still a little hurt at being dropped so abruptly. She wound up contacting me earlier this week and now it looks like I have a date for Folsom St. Fair! I honestly could not resist the chance to attend to a Domme of her caliber -- intimidatingly smart and gorgeous -- at Folsom, particularly when I was facing having to wander around by my lonesome again this year. Actually, last year wound up being fun after I ran into some pro Domme friends and got hooked up with free margaritas at a bar they were promoting. I hoped for the same this year, but this is way better. She's even going to dress me -- so hot (and thank god, because I still have no fetish outfit and I feel kind of lame about that fact) -- she said she was thinking 'something military reform schoolboy Dr. Who visits Downton Abbey'. Even more hot, I totally dig her tastes!

Wednesday, September 04, 2013


Starting out, I was a blank slate, with no inkling of what I might like beyond spanking. Truthfully, there were many things that I had no feeling about going in, that have come to be favorites.

Rope was one of these things. I can't say that I was particularly drawn to rope before. I'd sailed briefly as a pre-teen and while I enjoyed being fluent in knots and being comfortable enough with rope to feel I'd masterfully rigged my boats, it didn't evoke any dirty thoughts at the time.

However, I look back and am reminded of my first crush, Wonder Woman, that lasso, and that watching people being tied up made me feel funny in a way that my 5-year-old brain didn't understand. It's only now that I look back and see the stirrings of kinky impulses and the leanings toward an eventual love of rope.

The evidence seems plain now in hindsight! Later, I would enjoy being the person in distress, the kidnapped princess or whatever, in games with other kids, especially if it involved being tied up (with jumprope usually). I'd be 'tied up' and under a table in a 'dungeon', happily waiting there as battles were waged for my freedom. I remember just lying there as the action happened around me, feeling exceptionally warm, peaceful, and relaxed. Being tied up in rope now evokes the same feelings, making it clear that whatever it is that drives me has been there for quite a long time.

It was our second session. She'd indulged me with a very long and epic spanking the previous time, and this time, she introduced clothespins and rope, two things that were new to me. Ever since the beginning, I handed myself over to her completely, giving her carte blanche to do whatever amused her. As an aside, I don't advise newbies to do that for safety reasons, but she was a pro and something about her made me feel safe and that she was trustworthy, so I listened to my gut.

After I'd undressed, she ran her hands over me, circling as I stood very still, blushing. "I'm going to put you in a rope corset," she told me, then walked over and retrieved a few bundles of rope from a cabinet.

What I didn't know then that I know now: she is a rope master. Like, seriously skilled to the point of it being a little aweing. I would come to learn this about her and to find her fluency and ability to be super hot, but in our second session, I knew nothing. I looked at the rope skeptically, even, not yet getting its appeal.

She unwound a rope bundle and stood in front of me. She began to deftly tie, rope slithering and tightening against my bare skin. Wound around my neck and then between my legs, her hand moving down to adjust the rope and my labia, making me blush with mild humiliation and a pleasing sensation of safe objectification. I watched her as she worked and I liked the focused concentration that played on her face.

I felt a lot of new things. I still didn't understand the appeal or the motivation. It seemed to take a while, an intricate and involved activity, and if I'm being honest, I didn't yet get the point. I'm pretty game, though, and since she seemed to really enjoy it, I stood there taking it all in and exploring how it made me feel. I felt funny, warm and tingly, and maybe slightly embarrassed. I recognize it as the same feeling I get when being fussed over and paid a lot of attention to, or when someone is doing something really nice just for me (I now know that there's a name for this feeling: ASMR).

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing my newly-discovered love of rope. I'm struck by how something so simple can also be so powerful and so moving. With more time and experience, I've come to appreciate that it's as much about the process as it is the final result. It's slowing down, enjoying the sensuality of the rope, and a quiet kind of intimacy that stems from a trusting and companionable relationship. It's also meditative in a way and I learned to relax into it like a comfortable silence.

Sometimes she would hum or sing along to the music playing, but she worked without much interaction with me, effectively making me feel somewhat like an object. Her focus was less on me as a person and more as a canvas for rope. I'm not much attracted to degradation play, but I found that I liked this kind of objectification. It felt safe. I didn't feel degraded, but instead felt appreciated, maybe even a little flattered. It felt really good that she was taking the time to do this intricate, sensual thing to me.

As I've been tied more, I have come to fall in love with rope and the aesthetics of artistic ties. Everything from seeing it in someone's hands to the final result of lines criss-crossing someone's body, it does it for me. I love the transformation; the rope Top becomes focused and I melt into a blissful and serene state. The rope feels delicious as it travels across my body, tickling and pinching at turns, becoming an ever more constant presence as it is pulled and tightened into place. Being bound like this feels like nothing else, and it's as warm and comforting as an embrace. When released, I'm eager to inspect my body for the impressions left by the rope and I love having been marked by the experience, even if only temporarily.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Blue Light of Dawn

It wasn't until we'd dated for a month or so and we were snuggled in bed, and I was gazing at her sleeping form in the blue light of dawn, that I suddenly noticed. My heart leapt at the moment of realization and I was a bit stunned by the fact that I hadn't realized until that very moment. She looked a lot like ex-Mistress.

"How could I not have noticed?" I asked myself over and over, as I looked at her, taking in all the details with new eyes. I laid there appraising her sleeping profile and my heart sank with every confirmation: curly red hair, milky skin, curves, blue eyes...

I couldn't believe that I hadn't put it together before; it seemed so obvious now. There were even similarities in their facial contours and features. I found that if I squinted a little, it was perhaps too easy to imagine that I was lying next to ex-Mistress.

I felt a confusing mix of feelings. On one hand, it felt kind of good to imagine it was ex-Mistress, but that made me also feel guilty and weird. Guilty because here I was, lying next to someone and pretending she was someone else. Even if it was brief, even if it was just to try on the feelings to see what they felt like, it seemed wrong. I felt weird about it, too, like it was wrong and I shouldn't do it, but also I was a bit angry at myself for enjoying it when I really should have been over ex-Mistress long ago.

I don't know how I didn't notice the similarities before, since they seem so clear in hindsight. I honestly wasn't paying enough attention to see the whole picture; while they look alike, they also are very different, with completely different styles and personalities. I just never put it together until that early morning lying by her side; who would have expected the dim light of dawn to be so clarifying?

Monday, August 12, 2013

Note to Self

LET GO. Stop clinging tightly to bullshit situations you gave up for good reason.

LET GO -- none of it is relevant in this moment. Drop the bag, the rope, whatever -- walk away.

There is no sense in getting worked up or pissed off about what they are doing now. It may make no sense, it may make your blood boil, but it's no longer any of your concern. Try to look on the bright side and see this as a good thing; not your problem anymore!

You cannot change people and they cannot be fixed. They sometimes must continue to make the same foolish mistakes until they learn for themselves -- nothing you say or do can replace the stark light of a hard-earned lesson.

Know, too, that some people are damaged, and may not see or appreciate what you have to offer. It's frustrating, but if you know and have an appreciation for your own worth, it will sting less when others don't.

The things that others do as a result of their damage should not be taken personally, as it demonstrates unhealed wounds and is more about the person's history than it is you. Remember this damage and treat it with as much compassion as you can muster, but don't let it snare you. Drill this into your brain: if it doesn't feel good, it's not worth it.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

On Neglect

 If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay. 
"People do what people actually want to do. This simple statement holds itself to be true in 99% of people's lives. If a person really wants to do a certain thing, and they have their heart set on it, then more than likely they will accomplish it. This especially holds true in a lot of relationships you may encounter, if you haven't already encountered it. When someone doesn't show up when they say they will, always cancels plans, or just doesn't come around even though they have ample opportunity to, chances are they really don't want to be a part of your life. 

"Realizing and accepting this may be a very hard pill to swallow, but is essential for one's happiness. To combat this, it is essential that you cut the people out of your life who make no time for you when they have the opportunities to. Doing so will free your mind eventually, and will also free your calendar. Now you have time to spend with someone who wants to spend that time with you as much as you want with them. Starting new relationships may seem difficult at first, but change is an essential function of life. We must embrace change and let the things go in our lives that are broken, and that have no possible way of being fixed. You ultimately can't make someone make time for you, so it is imperative that you find someone who has no qualms with and that is enthusiastic about you, and vice versa."

-- J. Johnson

Saturday, August 03, 2013


The scene is set; the lights dimmed to a warm red-orange glow, music pulsing softly in the background. It feels cozy and dreamlike, my skin bare and my body vulnerable, a centerpiece offered up for amusement. In darkness, blindfolded, I sink into the most lovely and relaxing place where the edges of my physical body blur. I revel in the warmth and languor, losing myself and absorbing it until I am full and beyond. Unexpectant and yielding, I become a mass of sensations, played like an instrument in the affectionate hands of a master. My body and mind meld in liquid form, silky and viscous like melted chocolate.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


I'm taking a break from Fetlife and also have stopped seeking new partners. Honestly, I feel trepidatious about entering into anything new, given my track record over the past couple of years. I'm nervous that I will find myself in yet another fucked up situation where I wind up feeling used. If not that, then I also don't feel very confident anymore that I can find partners who actually want to have sex with me. Apparently, I'm the girl ladies want to date, cause I'm awesome, but don't actually want to sleep with. I don't get it.

I think of pursuing another service relationship and my stomach sinks a bit. The D/s relationships I've had, not to mention being jerked around in the relationships that never got off the ground, have left a really bitter taste in my mouth. I feel like I'm not meeting the quality-type people I want and deserve; instead, I continually meet people who are damaged, incapable of healthy communication, and who are apparently turned off by my intensity and passion. But because I'm an amazing sub, they keep me around, giving me mere shadows of what I need. I've filled some weird in-between quasi-girlfriend shoes, three times now. I've been obedient, patient, understanding, and giving, and in my eyes, have done all the right things. For whatever reason, I keep finding myself up against the same goddamned wall.

Obviously, I have the relationship stuff down because, along with my service and all the things I can do, it seems that that is all I'm wanted for. They like being treated well, the lack of drama, etc. But for whatever reason, they don't seem to like all of me. I wasn't placid enough for ex-Mistress and I was too intense for Jade, not to mention that neither of them were much on the talking about feelings. Ex-Mistress preferred to avoid the discussion altogether, while Jade was amazing at receiving communication, yet never said anything in return. My passion and intensity are core pieces of who I am and are unlikely to change, though I find it odd that I keep falling in with women who find these to be repelling qualities.

I'm actually now in a third sexless dating situation and this shit is getting ridiculous. I've been dating her for about three months and we haven't even made out. She says she likes me and is attracted to me, but is very nervous because she perceives me as an experienced submissive and she hasn't topped anyone in a really long time. I have told her twice that we don't have to do kinky things, that we can ease into it, and that I'm super easy-going so there's no need to be anxious about it. Frankly, I think her nervousness is only part of the puzzle; she has another partner who is her main focus, so I'm starting to feel like the back burner girl she runs to when she needs comfort or company.

Seriously, though, three women in a row, is that not absolutely ridiculous? I have never experienced anything like this in all my years of dating. The first time, it's like, Huh, that's weird and kinda sucks. The second time it's like, Hmmmm.. This is becoming a pattern, WTF? The third time, well, it's getting very difficult to not wonder what is wrong with me.

This is why I am pressing 'pause' and stepping out of the game for a while. I need to assess myself and the situation, and I also need to not deal with any more bizarre and shitty-feeling relationships. It's clear to me that I need to stop futilely sending loads of energy in that direction and instead focus on feeling better in the rest of my life. I do feel pretty confident that I am a catch in many regards and all I need is the right woman to see that. Someone out there will adore all of me as I am, I just haven't met her yet, and that's okay. I have more time to work on being a balanced and healthy person, and in turn, a better and happier partner.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Scattered and Angsty

I've been needing to write, but my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.

It's been a month and a half since I broke up with Jade and I'm still feeling angry. I haven't come very far and I seriously wonder if I'm going to be able to be friends with her at all.

It sucks; I love her and think she's super awesome, but I don't think I'll ever be okay with things, especially since I imagine things will be even worse for me now that we're just friends and she won't feel like she has to hold back any longer. Which, by the way, was really hard for her and made her feel like she was trying to be someone else for me? I can't help but get stuck on that, too; was it so difficult to be sensitive to my feelings?

Me and my giant bag of shitty feelings, which I am apparently alone in dealing with. She never seemed terribly bothered by my breaking up with her. Her response was as I imagined, brief, telling me she agreed with everything I said, that lately she'd been feeling a lot of pressure to be something she's not to make me feel okay with things, and that our friendship was too awesome "to let a silly thing like getting to spank you get in the way of that."

It felt very casual and I didn't read any sadness in it at all. I replied that I'd need a little break for a while, but because she's in a period of instability, that she should feel free to ask me for things if she needed them.

She then went on her merry way, seemingly unaffected, leaving me holding this shitty bag of feelings to deal with..

She periodically tries to interact with me, even though I've restricted most of my posts on Facebook. I honestly feel a bit pressured; she just made a post on a photo stating she wanted to have giant beers soon and I don't even know what to say. I'm not even close to ready to hang out again. I completely understand how she must feel, having been in her position those months ago when the tables were turned.

As an aside, I'm not doing this intentionally or trying to punish her, but I admit that I find this reversal to be an ironic coincidence.

The truth of the matter is that I feel so angry and resentful that, no matter how much I miss her, I feel pretty certain that I will never be able to sit back and watch her slut it up without it bringing up these shitty feelings.

I really don't know what to do about that, though I'm afraid the answer is that I will be unable to remain friends with her. Which is yet again ironic, in that she claimed to be afraid that sleeping with me would ruin our friendship... only to have it ruined because she would not sleep with me...

Ultimately, though, it was more than that, The whole thing felt bad and was making me miserable. It wasn't even about the sex anymore, at the end. I realized that I didn't even really desire her anymore, and that it was more about how confusing, hurtful, and unfair things felt. I was extremely frustrated with the situation.

Also on my mind a lot recently, unfortunately, is ex-Mistress. Her husband M came into town for work and I met him for drinks one night. I figured ex-Mistress would accompany him on his visit and I heard through the grapevine that she was indeed here, but I'm not certain. M never mentioned it and also said something about almost taking a girl back to his hotel room, so I don't know. It's possible she was staying with friends. In any case, I was afraid we'd run into each other at the Domme house, where I clean once a week, but fortunately, that went uneventfully... maybe someone gave her a heads-up, or maybe she visited another day. In any event, I was glad to be spared the extreme awkwardness, but I had totally prepared myself just in case.

I was nervous about seeing M. It's been nearly a year since I last saw them and that's when everything went down. I blocked ex-Mistress on Facebook long ago because I got sick of seeing her name pop up all over the place via mutual friends, even after I'd de-friended her. M is not super active on Facebook, so I haven't known what's going on with them.

When I arrived, his friend Sarah was still there. I had hoped to not see her, as she had been weirdly snide and bitchy to me when we first met at the farewell BBQ. The only thing I could figure is that she was smirking at my being the submissive of the household, because I was working the party?  In any case, she'd made me feel bad, when I'd been friendly and trying to be a good host, so after a few weird interactions with her, I ignored her for the rest of the party.

This time was different, though. Totally different situation and mindset, and I refused to let her get the better of me. I was prepared for more snideness, but instead she seemed the uncomfortable one this time, to my surprise. She got up and left not long after I arrived and I felt pretty good. I wasn't going to let her make me feel bad again and I didn't.

M and I had a few beers and caught up. All in all, it was really good, with minimal awkwardness, and it was great to see him.

The bad part came after, when I realized I missed him, and that led to reminiscing. It's very hard for me to pleasantly reminisce these days; everything leads back to how shitty she was with me and how things are now. So, that all of course makes me rather sad, particularly since I'm so very single at the moment, to be reminded that my life then was so interesting and relatively exciting. Every time I'm at the Domme house, I can't help but think of our times there and how uniquely amazing it all made me feel, including my service to her.

I've held off posting about the situation because I suspect ex-Mistress is still reading this, my reasoning being that if she wanted to know what my damage is, she should confront the situation and ask. A year later, with no sign of reconciliation or even a basic apology, I realized that I no longer care anymore. This realization was pretty liberating. Certainly things seem really over, so what does it matter, right? It seems stupid to hold back from posting something here because she may or may not be reading.

I don't know why she can't apologize or even acknowledge what she's done and how it impacted me. I have gone over and over things and I don't think that I did anything wrong other than having feelings. I probably shouldn't have spewed out everything when I did, but I had been trying to hold it in until they left. I kept telling myself that they were only here for a few days and I really didn't want to be the source of any drama, but by that final morning, I was so ready to explode that when she commented, it all came tumbling out.

I don't feel like I should have to lay out the reasons I'm upset; she should be able to see how selfish, insensitive, and cruel she was! Even if I did lay them all out, I can just hear her deflecting, twisting, gaslighting... so what is the point, anyhow?

I also can't get over the fact that she seems to believe she has some legitimate reason to not speak to me or whatever she's doing, like she really, strongly believes she's so right that she'd give up our relationship. I cannot see where or how she could legitimately hold this position, considering I've never done anything to her. I've only ever been patient and obedient.

I can't imagine she feels supremely used and discarded. I can't imagine she felt the sting of betrayal that I felt when she visited and acted like an inconsiderate asshole, who then scampered off after a cruel parting shot. She wanted to make it about my having feelings for her, but that is only the smallest piece of the puzzle, and therefore, I find it insulting that she won't even acknowledge what the real issue is, that she was shitty when she came to visit, that she treated me with great insensitivity.

I was never cruel to her. I guess I can sit satisfied, knowing that I treated her with unfailing respect, deference, and compassion, even to the end when I could have lashed back, but didn't. Looking back, that wasn't the only time she was intentionally cruel, either... in hindsight, all of those moments are much harder to swallow now.

I'm so pissed that, a year later, I still think of her every day. It doesn't help that I never got any real closure, so part of me wonders if some day I'll get another text from her. She kept sending these brief little texts, almost like a tease... At first, I thought she was getting her feet wet, that it was promising, that we might finally reconcile. But then, that's all it ever was, these short texts saying pretty much nothing and leaving me to wonder, with the last ones feeling a bit manipulative in their nostalgia (just pics, no commentary, of some things I made).

I grew frustrated with whatever it was.. no communication, just these messages that felt like pokes. After a while, it was sort of like, 'shit or get off the pot!' My reply was more measured and nicer, of course, saying maybe she didn't understand how upset I am and that after everything that went down, I felt I deserved more than a bunch of poke-y texts. That was a few months ago and I never got a reply, but knowing that she hates communication about difficult things, that was not much of a surprise, really.

I keep trying to put myself in her shoes, to understand her refusal to address the situation. Surely she must realize that she owes me a huge apology, or could she really be so in denial or so self-absorbed to not see it, maybe going so far as to believe I'm the one in the wrong? Does she see it and is too proud?

The statement here is that I and our relationship aren't worth it... I mean, it's been a fucking year already and wasn't I worth more than that?! Maybe I was mistaken in thinking we had a deep and special relationship, but I honestly can't comprehend what I view as her carelessly throwing away our year together. It's more than that, in that her shitty behavior while visiting, and through her subsequent refusal to make it right, she has ultimately ruined our relationship, and for what?  To quote the immortal words of Whitney Houston, "was it really worth you going out like that"?

Friday, May 31, 2013


I was briefly tempted to title this post 'Forced Vanilla', considering I'm currently absent of kink, but then I realized that, regardless of whether I have a partner or not, I will always be kinky.. and that makes me happy.

I know I made the right decision with Jade, so I don't regret that at all. I've just had to work through feelings and assorted bullshit, which is never fun, but is helped by solitude and loud music. I have a lot of anger and resentment built up and I need some time. She keeps trying to interact with me and I find it a little frustrating. My way to healing is to excise the person from my life as much as possible; I don't want to talk to them, hear their name, or be reminded of them in any way. I dunno, maybe that's weird. I just need to forget them to move on and every reminder just rips the wound open and sets me back in terms of healing.

I started dating someone else right before we broke up and that was quite promising for a month or so, the time it took me to get that she was using me as an ego-boost while her 'sweetheart' moped over a devastating breakup. When I realized that she was unwilling to make any time for me in her life, unless it was her idea or at her convenience, I immediately lost interest and have not texted her since.

I met her through Jade and then not long after, she joined in on a spanking and it was a lot of fun. There was strong mutual attraction and we began dating, though I never really got anywhere with her and it was pretty frustrating and confusing, but I couldn't put my finger on why. The last straw came last week when I asked if she wanted to do something and she blew me off; this has been the pattern, she says no whenever I ask to spend time with her, even though I know her schedule and she has plenty of time to fit me in if she wanted. The only time we do manage to hang out, it's her idea, her suggestion, and at her convenience. It's bizarre to me because there is a hell of a lot of chemistry and sexual tension between us, we have a lot of the same kinky interests, and frankly, have already been sexual (in the play session), so I don't know why she was impossible to pin down.

The night I asked to hang out, she told me she was going to be cooking all night and could easily have asked me over to just hang out while she did that, or at the very least said something like, 'I can't that night, but how about Monday?' It's been a week since we last spoke and that in and of itself gives me all the proof I need in terms of her interest level. The truth is, if someone really likes you, they will find a way to make time for you. Trust me, they will.. they will fit you in wherever they can. If you ever come across someone who never seems to have time for you, they are just not that into you. :]

Anyway, the honest truth is that I feel pretty done with things at the moment, like I just have no more time or energy to spend on unworthy people. I have no desire for Jade or for the lady I referenced above, I even realized that I have no desire for this brewing friends-with-benefits situation with a hot coworker, which previously brought me a great deal of glee. I've also had a sporadic fuck buddy situation with a guy, so I haven't been entirely sexless, but he too has disappointed me in his flakiness and unreliability. There's also something around our dealings with each other, specifically how he acts, that bothers me, but I've yet to put my finger on what it is specifically. I haven't contacted him, either, and just feel a lack of desire in general. Every time I think about dating, pursuing kink, or any of it, I just want to close up and go GRRRRRRR.  I feel made of stone right now.

Despite the fact that I just said that, I did go on a coffee date yesterday with a new Domme. I'm not particularly looking at the moment, but she posted an ad that turned out to be really compelling, as did her profile, and unusually in line with what I'm ultimately seeking. We talked for about an hour and a half and we seemed to hit it off well. She's tall, gorgeous, and very warm.  I left feeling pretty good about things, but it's way too soon to tell what might come of that, if anything.

Monday, May 20, 2013


Last night was spent snuggling with two of my favorite things: a pretty girl and a kitty. <3

Friday, May 17, 2013

I Broke Up with Jade

After I wrote the previous post, I thought a lot about everything, but no matter how I turned it in my mind, I couldn't get past the cold, hard fact that I was very unhappy with the situation. I sat with it, but the more I thought about it, the more obvious it seemed that I was trying to be okay with something that sat very poorly with me, and that was making me miserable. When my mind is made up, my mind is made up, so I told her everything in my last post.

In truth, our relationship has been a bit off  lately, with neither one of us feeling much of a desire to play. She told me she agreed with everything I said, adding that she had felt a lot of pressure to be something she's not in order to make me feel okay with things, and that "our friendship is too awesome to get in the way of something silly like me getting to give you spankings". I told her I'd need a break for a while, she said okay, and that's where we stand now.

It's sad to lose that part of our relationship because it was so wonderful, and frankly, it's a bit scary to me to be facing a future devoid of regular kink. I find it daunting to not know where my next spanking is going to come from, I admit it. However, the truth is that I was carrying around a lot of ill feelings, trying to go along with something I ultimately strongly disagree with. When things were good, the play was out of this world, and was totally worth any uneasiness I felt; the high of these amazing sessions would carry me through a week at a time.

I kept trying to be okay with things and resentment kept building up. I still kind of want to scream regarding certain aspects, because I find it so ridiculous and stupid. It's been frustrating as hell to sit by, watching events unfold, all the while seething with righteous indignation. I finally realized that the good play times had waned, and what was left was not at all able to counter all the bad feelings. It got to the point where I couldn't shake what I felt even when hanging out with her, and that had always previously been just the salve I needed.

In hindsight, things got a bit strained between us, and therefore neither one of us seemed to have much desire to play, nor the same chemistry as we once did, when we did play. I guess we both felt weird.

It's all for the better, really, as I am so fucking tired of being frustrated and sexually rejected in D/s relationships. Just really over it, and I feel that I deserve so much more than that. I don't think there is any way for me not to take it personally; while I theoretically accept the whole non-sexual kink thing, it just winds up making me feel shitty and self-doubting.

So, I say fuck that. Life is too short to not get what I want. I'm an amazing sub, the kind that Doms fantasize about, and I deserve to be fulfilled and getting my needs met. I no longer have patience for things that don't feel good. Why waste my time?

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to break up with Jade. I really don't want to; I love playing with her and I think she's super awesome, and losing that would be something I'd feel deeply sad about.

I just am not happy. I keep trying to be okay with things, but it seems to be insurmountable. I keep getting hurt and upset, and frankly, I'm really unhappy with that whole situation.

I'm certainly not looking to change her and since this is the way she is, and these are the relationship boundaries, my choices are to either deal with it or to end things.

The dealing with it is simply not working, and at this point, I feel all kinds of hurt, frustration, and anger. I realized just a bit ago that this situation is most likely the main cause of my recent emotional difficulties. I've been feeling sad, depressed, irritable, angry, etc. I don't blame her for my feelings, rather it is the situation that is causing me a great deal of angst.

I keep shoving away how things with Jade make me feel, because there seems to be no way to live with them or make them go away entirely. Somehow, it never occurred to me that Jade/our relationship might be the source, but of course it makes sense that pushing things away would eventually lead to a build-up of emotion, distress, and unhappiness.

Now that I have landed on this idea, I feel in my gut that it's probably right. I don't get enough regular play, or whatever it is I need, that might balance out my jealousy and insecurities, or maybe they would never go away entirely. The play is amazing, but even though it would be really sad and painful to end it, is it really worth feeling shitty 95% of the time?

Logically, I just don't think that it is, and I think it's stupid to keep doing something that is causing me neverending pain.

I need to ponder this a bit more, but I think I know what I need to do.

Monday, May 06, 2013

The Rope That Binds

"Let go or be dragged." -- Zen proverb

When I read these words on a friend's profile nearly a year ago, they resonated with me and gave me pause. I read the words again and again, letting them sink in. I realized in that moment that I was indeed being dragged, and that I had the power to let go.

I had a vivid imagery of being dragged behind a horse and the sudden, empowering insight that I could let go of the rope, letting the horse speed off without me. I was surprised to find relief in this place; that I could let go of the rope hadn't even occurred to me until that moment.

I've taped this quote to the bathroom mirror and I ponder the words daily. Letting go is something I find very difficult, but it helps to remember that I have the power to decide when to stop being dragged.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

I ❤ Needles

Jade and I recently attended a Needle Play 101 class, which has sparked a new common interest.

I've come to discover that I really love piercing play. I'd dabbled in it before, just enough to know that I wanted more, but I had no idea just how much I loved it until a needle session with Jade after the class. She ultimately poked me with 18 needles, accompanied by lots of giggling, tickling, and pinching, and I loved every moment!

The pain from the needles is minor and stops pretty much as soon as it goes in. Unless they're in a place that moves or the needles are messed with by a sadistic top, you actually don't really feel them. The effects of the needles feel amazing; I actually don't think it hurts all that bad, unless the needle top is intentionally being especially sadistic, and the body high, euphoria, blissed-out feeling is as good as any drug. I enjoy the needles and take them like a champ, and I even like it when the top is being extra mean on purpose. Turns out I'm pretty much a total needle slut!

It's something that has a very high enjoyability-to-pain ratio, meaning a wonderful internal chemical cocktail that sends me flying high and, apparently, has the potential to make me ridiculously aroused, sexually. The last time, by the end, I was so turned on that I couldn't stop squirming!

After the class, I immediately went online and bought my own kit and I'm so excited about it! All the supplies can be found online (hint: veterinary sites), the hardest thing for me to find was a chlorhexadine wipe. Our preferred needle type at this point is 22 gauge, 1.5" -- we've found the 1" to be a bit short.

Having briefly tried my hand at poking someone, at the class, I can attest to how much fun it is to be on that end, too. Due to time limitations, I only got to do one needle, but I really wanted to keep going! Jade enjoys being pierced, she's found, so I may get more opportunity to needle top -- yay!

Monday, April 01, 2013

Sex and Kink

One common thread of discussion in the kinky world is whether kink is inherently sexual or whether the two can exist separately. It's a question that comes up over and over on Fetlife; every time it's asked, different people weigh in and the ratio of yes to no varies completely depending on the time, the group, and the people answering. After a couple of years of observing these discussions, I've realized that this is simply one of these places where there is no simple or unified answer.

Quite a bit of BDSM is individualistic, in that beyond safe practices and other pragmatic concerns, actual details are left up to those involved, because what works for one doesn't necessarily work for all. Kinky people with a healthy, mature attitude accept that there's a pot for every lid, that a person might have unusual kinks, or kinks that don't speak to us personally, but that most likely, there is someone out there that shares them.

In the case of sex and BDSM, most people are divided into camps of those who feel that sex is intertwined with kink and those that separate the two, and then there's a smaller proportion of people that fall somewhere in the middle. There is no right answer, much like it is no more right to like apples over bananas, it's just personal preference.

This seems to be simple, I know, but the truth is that it's a very key piece of information. I am coming to learn that it is a subject that should be discussed directly at the beginning of a kinky relationship, to establish that both people have the same desires and expectations. I have been stuck on the vanilla way of dating, in which you have to sort of dance around things, all the while trying to work your way to that point. In my experience, it is not usually a good idea to be like, "Yeah, so are we going to have sex eventually, or no?"

(I kid. That is not how I would actually phrase it, obvs.)

The thing is, I keep finding myself in these sexless play relationships and it's getting really frustrating. Submitting to someone and receiving pain and their torments physically arouses me -- A LOT -- so it just feels weird and confusing to be that wet and turned on, to stop there and be done. It hurts, actually, that no one seems to want to go further, that they don't want to then enjoy what they've done to me. It feels like a kind of rejection, too. They must think that what we do is hot, or they probably wouldn't do it, so why exclude that from our relationship? At the end of a scene, I'm bursting with sexual energy and dying to then be taken, devoured, made to service, to perform.. I have so many fantasies and so much desire, but no outlet.

It should be noted that I'm writing this from a place of relative security; I have a Domme whom I adore and amazing kink on the reg. In my current situation, I am trying to get to a place mentally where I can accept it and not feel bad; whenever I think about it, I'm struck by how wonderful she is and how much I enjoy her company, and I'm totally won over by her. I cherish my relationship with her; my blather here is more of a commentary on an overarching theme... Mainly this is all is still a learning experience and I've come to learn that sex is an important component for me.

People in my life might read this and be thinking, "Oh my god, not this again." I ain't gonna lie, I am absolutely obsessed, but you know what? You would be, too, if you went as long without sex as I have in the past few years. It borders on ridiculous. So, yeah, I feel a bit shitty about the fact that no one seems to want to have sex with me. I mean, WTF? I'm cute and sexy, so why is my sex life as dry and barren as the Sahara...?

I don't really understand this separation of sex and kink, as the two are deeply intertwined for me. Kink is like super awesome foreplay and my body responds accordingly. Maybe my partners don't get turned on, but if they did, wouldn't it seem a natural progression to do something about it? I just find the whole thing to be odd, but it's becoming obvious that I need to shed the vanilla dance moves and be upfront about this topic when courting new partners. I've had my fill of sexless kink relationships, they don't feel 100% good, and unless the person is ridiculously awesome otherwise, it's not worth the hurt and frustration.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

In case you're wondering...

... this blog came well before that John Mayer song. I honestly don't really listen to John Mayer, and I hear he's kind of a douchebag, so I would never name my blog after one of his songs. Just a random thought and I felt that you should know that I am the O.G. Yup.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you

I really loved this piece of writing and asked permission to post it here; I identify deeply with everything expressed and I doubt I could surpass the eloquence with which it was written.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you
written by joi and shared with permission
Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean that I am in love with you. 
I am a person who is full of love. I want to give my love away. I need to give my love away. This does not equate to me being some unstable individual looking to latch on to the first person that comes along. I have far too much pride for that. I do, however, love to love. 
I love who I am and who I become when I am with you. Perhaps you make me feel alive, whole, beautiful, cared for, wanted, desired, stimulated, challenged, appreciated, breathless. Maybe you even make me feel loved. I love that I feel like a better person because of you. I love the smiles that you bring my heart and my face. My life is better because of you being woven into it. 
I naturally give my love away. It may be in the form of kind words, encouragement, preference for you, adoration, my body, my mind, my soul. I have a need to express my love and to share my love. It is hard for some to understand what my motives are. I just want to love you and appreciate you for who you are. I feel like we all want and long to be loved. It is hard for me to hold back and not give you a small gift, touch you, hug you, hold you, kiss you or to not send you a note telling you how wonderful I think you are. To try and keep my love bottled up inside makes me miserable. 
Maybe you are a friend, a lover, a play partner, submissive or bottom, a Dominant or even a Master. You are important to me, not your role. I love you just the way that you are and for who I am when I am with you. It is because of you that my journey has many moments of happiness that I can treasure. 
When I see your smile, hear you laugh or know that you are happy, my heart celebrates with you. I love your strength, your heart, your will, your confidence, your intelligence, your humor, your skills, your body, your mystery. I do not need to know all things about you to love you. I simply love you, but I'm not in love with you.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..

Jade and I crossed paths at a time when I was smarting over a bad breakup and things felt shitty and bleak. I missed kink so much, but after trying a few events solo, I found that my heart wasn't really in it. I was a sad panda, but I didn't want to be. I wanted to have fun!

We met over coffee and I liked her immediately. She had a very disarming, friendly way about her and I could tell that she was fun. Hanging out with her more confirmed that as fact; she is a lot of fun! The more time we spent together, the more I liked her and came to find that she is a really quality person. We had to put things on hold for a time, but I waited because, even though we were still getting to know each other, I could tell that she was an exceptional person. Every time I found myself feeling down about it, I thought of all of our interactions and was reminded of how wonderful she was, and I felt deep down that she was someone I wanted in my life.

We played for the first time at a BDSM club and I admit that it's a treasured memory. I wasn't prepared for how awesome she is at spanking and I surprised myself by immediately melting into subspace. Her spankings are ah-may-zing! She loves to spank barehanded, which is my absolute favorite. I also love all the tactile things, the scratching, the biting.. I love the closeness of hands and of physical touch, something I find lacking when there's an implement between me and the other person.

If I'm being totally honest, this first play session was a crucial turning point in getting over my breakup. When the spanking started, it immediately aroused that same warm, cozy, languid feeling I missed and so craved. I became elated with every blow, as I realized how silly it had been to think that only one person could make me feel that way. I felt all of the angst and worry break up inside me, which lead to wonderful relief and elation as I relaxed into the play. It was a really pivotal moment that I treasure and for which I am grateful.

My friendship with Jade has grown to include D/s, something which I find super fun, but also helpful because I seem to do much better with a firm Dominant hand in my life. She's good to me, kind, gentle, caring. I feel very comfortable with her, like I can fully be myself. She values open and honest communication, and listens intently and compassionately. I feel that I can go to her with any problem or concern and that she has my feelings and best interests at heart. She is thoughtful and giving, but also wonderful and grateful recipient, making it a pleasure to give gifts to or to do things for her.

It's such a nice feeling to be thought of and taken care of. I was over at her house and noticed this awesome pair of boots sitting there. They're tall leather equestrian boots with nice trimmings, I eyed them for a bit and then asked if they were hers. She told me that not only had she bought them to wear for me because she knows I love boots, but that she did so while were on hiatus. First of all, it's ridiculous how thrilled I was that she not only bought the boots, but got them specifically for me because she knew me well enough to know it'd make me really happy. I'm really touched by the whole thing, not only to be understood and thought of, but that she was thinking of me even when we weren't speaking regularly.

I was pretty hardcore at one time, but I've had to reevaluate and stop thinking of masochism competitively. Because I once took pride in how much I could take, I had a bit of self-doubt regarding my shift in tolerance and preferences; I think that if I didn't have Jade in my life, this would have been more difficult. She's made it okay to like what I like and she doesn't seem to judge or get upset when I dislike activities and take them off the table. This feels awesome and really comfortable. The really fortuitous thing is that we share a bunch of the same favorites and this feels very complementary.

I'm grateful that Jade and I crossed paths. She's awesome.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Introduction to Spanking

(BDSM lifestyle and slave training)
from an anyonymous USENET posting

Position & Posture

One of the factors that sets spanking apart from other forms of swatting is the deliberate and sometimes ceremonial positioning of the participants. While some spankings are haphazard, I prefer spankings that include the ritual of positioning.

Both the spankee and spanker adopt positions that facilitate and enhance the spanking. These positions generally work to the advantage of the spanker and the disadvantage of the spankee.

The spanker enjoys the following advantages from their position:

Comfort. Whether standing or sitting, the spanker is positioned to be comfortable throughout the spanking. They are able to swing their arm at a natural angle and able to sustain a lengthy spanking with ease because of their position.

Strength. Because they are able to wind up and freely swing their arm at a natural angle, the spanker is able to apply swats to the intended target with force. While standing, the spanker cannot only swing their arm, but rotate their body to deliver maximum energy to an anxiously awaiting, clenching derriere.

Full access to the bottom to be spanked. The spankee's position is designed to fully expose their bottom and the spanker's relative position is designed to put that bottom at a convenient angle and height. Therefore, the spanker is able to completely view, tweak, pat, and spank it.

Safety. Because the spanker is in the position to easily spank the rear-end at the correct angle, it is much less likely that a blow will fall too high or too low.

Control. The spanker's position gives them the "upper hand" and allows them to easily control the spankee. They sit or stand higher than the spankee and are easily able to restrain and situate the spankee.

The spankee realizes the following effects from their position:

Relative comfort. Except for the notable exception of their backside, I think it's important that the spankee be relatively comfortable so they can focus on the sensations being inflicted upon their posterior.

Anticipation. Bending over and getting into position to get your bottom blistered signals the beginning of the spanking and builds anticipation.

Increased sensation.  A properly positioned bottom will tend to be spanked harder and more completely on the sensitive "sit spot".

Humiliation. Being put over the knee is a childish, humiliating posture. Having to "assume the position" is humiliating in its submission and rubs in the fact that they are being spanked.

Exposure. A properly positioned bottom is fully exposed. The cheeks are fully presented and split, their undersides turned up. In the case of men, the anus and back of scrotum show. Women are even more exposed, their rectums and vulvas fully visible.

Emphasis on their bottom. Spanking positions place the center of attention on the bottom of the person being spanked, a fact not lost on said person. The bottom is emphasized by its exposure and upturned position relative to the spanker.

Presentation of their bottom. Not only is the bottom exposed and emphasized, but the spankee feels they are willingly "sticking it out" and presenting it for its punishment in the same way as the condemned man who must place his head on the chopping block. The spankee knows their bottom cannot evade or escape the swats.

Submission. Cooperatively getting into position to be spanked is the primary act of submission in spanking.

Safety. Although it may be of little solace, the spankee can take comfort in the fact that their position affords safety from injury. Of course, this can be disconcerting if they know they will be spanked with even more abandon.

Loss of control. Once positioned, the spankee has relinquished control and may not easily regain it until the spanking is done. They may have difficulty removing their rear from the line of fire if they try.

Inability to clench. When standing, one can clench their cheeks together, mitigating the sting of a swat and the exposure. When properly positioned, it is more difficult to clench cheeks and the spanking will be applied to a relaxed, bouncing bottom.

Excellent visual presentation. Speaking from the point of view of an admitted bottom fancier, there are few times that someone looks more adorable and beautiful than when he or she is positioned to be spanked. Not only is the bottom emphasized, but it is formed to a flattering shape and sexily perked out. Spanking positions would be sexy even to people not into spanking.

Following are descriptions of various positions that I find erotic, their distinguishing characteristics, tactics that can be used to enhance them, and precautions to take. All descriptions assume a right-handed spanker.

Over the lap. Spanker is sitting with good posture in an armless chair, knees together. Person being spanked must lay face-down across the spanker's lap, their head to the left and feet to the right. They must be over the lap far enough so their bottom is conveniently located directly over the spanker's right thigh.

In order to preserve modesty, the person being spanked may be tempted to lie flat with their head up and legs straight out behind; however, if they are concerned for their modesty, they shouldn't have gotten themselves spanked in the first place. The spankee's head and shoulders should be angled down and their knees tucked down out of the way so that their bottom is well turned-up. A palm pressed against the back of the head and swats to the thighs are helpful in positioning the spankee.

Knees should be at least six inches apart and the lower back should be "arched" or dipped to further turn up the rear. For a woman, this will result in her vulva being fully exposed and presented. Depending on size, toes will either be resting against the floor or hoisted off a few inches. The full weight of the spankee should be resting on the lap.

Hands can either be on the floor or grasping the legs of the chair. If the right hand flies back during a spanking, it should be pinned to the lower back by the spanker's left hand.

Prior to starting to spank, the spanker should firmly grasp the spankee's waist above the right hip with the left hand to prevent squirming off the lap. Then the left elbow should be planted between the shoulder blades to keep the head and shoulders from bobbing up.

The spanker should raise their right knee slightly, turning up the bottom further. In the case of a woman spanking a boy, she should make sure his penis is pressed firmly against her right thigh and aimed to the left.

By turning their upper body to the right, the spanker can get a fuller swing and more comfortably apply a stronger swat.

By combining all of these tactics -- the raised knee, the elbow in the back, the hand in the small of the back -- the spanker can effectively pin the spankee down and spank the daylights out of them.

Over the knee. Similar to over-the-lap, except the spankee is bent over the left knee with their legs restrained by the spanker's right leg.

Hands on ankles. This is the classic school-style paddling position. The student must stand well clear of obstacles with feet shoulder-width apart. Leaving knees straight and back straight, the student must bend over and grasp their ankles with both hands. The spanker may want to observe the student's hands throughout the paddling to ensure they do not leave the ankles and earn extra swats.

The spanker stands facing the left side of the student. They should stand far enough away so the paddle barely overlaps past the right cheek. They should adjust fore and aft to ensure that both cheeks are struck at the same time (assuming a paddle is being used. Canes and straps warrant slightly forward positioning).

It is not possible to more fully expose and present a rear end than when in this position. When one is told to bend over and grab their ankles, one is, in effect, being told, "we intend to thoroughly paddle your bottom. So not only will you present your rear-end, but you will stretch and endeavor to stick it up and out as far as you absolutely, positively can. And throughout the paddling, you will continue to strain to stick it out for the paddle."

Since the angle between the legs and the upper body is well under 90 degrees, this position spreads the cheeks and exposes the rectum and genitals more than any other position.

This is a great fantasy position, but I think it only works safely in reality for spankees with flexible
bodies (especially when a thick paddle is used). Inflexible people can't reach their ankles without bending their knees. Men run the risk of getting their testicles whacked. Non-fleshy butts get pulled tightly across the pelvic bones and don't provide enough padding when a heavy paddle is used.

Hands on knees. A safer, more workable position than hands-on-ankles. The bottom is presented in a plumper, more paddle-friendly shape, but visually, the position is still very school-like. Depending on the person, I think this position can be more visually appealing because the back can be arched a bit, which perks up the bottom. In fact, the further up the legs the hands are placed, the more the spankee can arch their back and stick out their rump.

Again, feet should be shoulder-width apart and hand position enforced. Because the back can be arched and bottom upturned, it should be required, both prior and during the paddling. A technique which tends to arch the back correctly is to require the student to look forward at a spot high on the wall. That way, they are required to pull their head up and arch their back.

Over the desk on tiptoes. Another school-like position. The student must bend over a desk with nose or chest pressed to the desk. Hands and arms should be placed on the desk over their head to further arch the back. To further elevate their bottom to be spanked, they must raise up on their toes. Penalty swats can be awarded for ever incidence of a heel touching the floor (hint: watch after the "last" swat before the student is told they may relax).

Over a barstool or horse. This is probably the best position for paddling because the bottom is presented in a plump and relaxed manner. The person to be punished must lay their full weight across the stool, their feet hanging and hands grasping the legs of the stool at a level such that there is a little support for their upper body.

This is a relaxed, comfortable position which works well for lengthy spankings.

Laying on bed. Another comfortable position for lengthy spankings and ensuing diversions. The spankee must lay face-down on a bed. Their face should be pressed to the mattress while their hips and bottom are elevated on pillows. Since pillows are compressible it may take three or four to achieve the proper elevation.

Kneeling in chair. One of my favorite positions for spankees with great butts because, when properly executed, it presents the rear in its most flattering light. The trick is in the execution.

The spankee must kneel in the seat of a padded chair (save those knees), facing the back with the thighs vertical and upper body forward over the back. Again, the spankee should be required to arch the back well.

Two things conspire to shape his or her bottom cutely. First, the back of the chair prevents him or her from bending so far as to preclude a good back arch. Second, just as high heels shape calves fully by angling the foot to shorted and bulge the calf muscle, kneeling with the calves at right angles to the thighs seems to allow the buttocks to bulge fully.

I've found the following tactics can be used to enhance and focus on positioning:

Adjustment and readjustment. I think it's important to deliberately position and adjust the spankee prior to the first swat. Emphasis should be placed on positioning and presenting the bottom fully. Throughout the spanking, the spankee should be readjusted as their position begins to fail. Verbal instruction. I think it's best to require the spankee to willfully maintain their own position without the physical assistance of the spanker, especially in the case of stand-up paddlings. Therefore, verbal communication is necessary throughout the spanking to encourage the spankee to continue to assume the correct position.

Pickiness. One of the disciplinary aspects of a spanking is that no matter how perfectly the spankee is positioned, they can always improve, stick their bottom out a little further, etc. The spanker should not feel guilty that their exacting demands regarding position are perhaps a little too picky and unrealistic.

Friday, March 08, 2013

When Good is Bad

I'm far from being a perfect person, but I am exceedingly thoughtful and I work hard in my relationships. It's important to me to treat others well and with care, to keep things fair and balanced, and to make sure that their needs and feelings are met and respected.

I work hard to do all the right things. I'm easy-going, honest, and compassionate, so safe and open dialogue can happen. I'm not crazy and I will never flip my shit on someone unless it's beyond warranted. I'm not a stalker, a cheater, a manipulator. I'm giving, kind, and well-behaved.

So, what is the problem, then? Something that has come up over and over and over again in my life -- I may just be too good. In my opinion, there is no such thing, and I want to be good... but for some reason, my deep goodness rarely resonates in others. Sure, it's appreciated, but my goodness rarely actually gets me anywhere.

I feel like I'm standing in the center of everything, me in slow motion, nearly standing still, while the world spins and whirls around me. No one sees me, other than to notice not to bump into me. It's an invisible, unfair feeling, especially since time and time again, I see that it's the squeaky wheels that get the attention. I'm beginning to seriously resent this fact.

I don't want to act out, I don't want to be crazy, and I don't want to demand attention. It's simply not who I am; I believe it is better to be awesome and say nothing than it is to crow about it. Generally, when you're awesome, you don't need to crow about it, because others will notice on their own. I just really am at a loss as to what the hell I'm supposed to do, if being good isn't working.

I want to be good, so much so that I want to be the perfect everything. I'll never reach perfection, but I still try. I simply fail to understand why being good, being what people say they want and look for, seems to be unattractive, rather than the opposite.

I'm getting really sick and tired of watching everyone else get the things I want, while all I get is a pat on the head as an afterthought. All I can think is that maybe I should be less well-behaved, but that makes me sad because it's not who I am.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Pain, Redux

It's funny.. just when I think I know myself, I find that things evolve and shift. I was a fairly heavy player at this time last year, and I could take an impressive beating. My tolerance was such that the other pro Dommes that played with us would sometimes comment on how much I could take, and I took a certain pride in that.

For about 9 months, I wasn't playing very often, and when I did, it usually wasn't the kind of heavy play I was used to. Last month, I started playing with Stasia, a new Domme who contacted me on FetLife. She was a heavy sadist and was looking for a matching sub. I thought, going into it, that nothing had changed for me and I was really excited to play more heavily than I'd been getting. However, I discovered very quickly that my tolerance levels had dropped significantly and I found myself having to adjust and re-examine myself as a submissive and masochist.

Stasia and I played a few times, the last two having ended on a disappointing note -- we'd come back from a break, she'd get overzealous and wallop me way too hard with something without proper warmup. The first time was so overwhelmingly painful that I cried, which is something that doesn't happen very often. I didn't want to end on that note, but I found that it had snapped me out of my headspace and that I couldn't continue.

I had mixed feelings about my play relationship with Stasia, and recently ended it. It was mainly due to what I perceived as different play styles and desires. She wanted to play heavy and to hit hard, and while I once could have taken it, things have changed. Where I am now, I realize that it's much more about the D/s and sensory play than it is about the pain. I'm now into light-to-moderate pain and I'm perfectly okay at that level. I imagine my tolerance will increase with more frequent play, but I don't view it as much as a competition now.

Before, I liked the gradual pushing of my limits and took a good deal of pride in hearing, "Oh, wow. She can take a lot." Of course, the expansion of my limits was done fairly gently and ultimately seemed like the natural progression of things. When sexual play is off the table, you're left with oh, I'm going to spank you and hit you with these things, which can maybe become a bit boring after a while... hence the introduction to needles and edge play. So, it became about her giving me a good beating, pushing my limits, and seeing how far I could go.

Being a solo kinkster has been a learning experience in its own right. I've had to completely readjust my idea of who I am and I had to learn how to communicate my wants, needs, and preferences. This time around, it's more about me, though I admit that it has been a bit disorienting; I've been so used to it being all about the other person, and having to work around or sacrificing for their needs and desires.

I'm having to learn what I like almost all over again, an odd and interesting sensation. The things that held true before are not necessarily true now, plus I have better explored my psyche, kink theory, polyamory, etc. and am learning that not only can I totally ask for what I want, I can also say no to things I don't like that much. That seems simple, but previously, I had entirely handed myself, mind and body, over to ex-Mistress and was (willingly) going along with whatever she wanted out of a deep desire to please and delight. Hearing her giggling and having a good time meant so much more to me than my dislike of any particular activity, so I submitted completely and gave her carte blanche to do whatever her little sadistic heart desired.

The whole directing-my-experience-as-a-submissive thing is therefore kind of a foreign concept. I'm so used to relinquishing all control that I feel like I'm exploring new territory. I'm having to figure out my likes and limits in such a way that I can communicate them. Not only that, but that I should communicate them... with ex-Mistress, I felt too afraid or shy to ask for things. I already had to deal with a certain amount of rejection in our relationship, so any more was hard to swallow.

I've had several play partners since and that has been very interesting. My current Domme was an important piece of the puzzle; with her, I have learned that I can find what I want elsewhere and this made it easier to let go of ex-Mistress, because that was when I first realized that she wasn't the only one who could deliver the awesome, sensual pet-spank-pet-spank beatings that I love the most. Not only that, but I now get even more of what I want.. loads of affection, snuggles, biting, kissing, having my bits played with..

So, I am learning and growing, but ultimately feel very optimistic about things. Even though things looked bleak for a while, it freed me up to welcome new and better opportunities. I learned what didn't work for me and I also learned what I really, truly want. Because of this, I am now in a D/s relationship that really works for me and satisfies most of my needs, and I am looking forward to seeing what is in store during this new chapter of my life.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Letting Go

My relationship with ex-Mistress ended on a sour note, to put it lightly, and we have not been much in contact since her visit this past July. The loss when they moved was one thing, but our final contact added insult to injury. It's taken me some months, but I can finally say that I have moved on and I have even managed to keep a positive spin on things.

I've found that I can look at it as an astronomically fortunate beginning to my kinky journey; without being able to articulate any of it, I found exactly what I had been dreaming of for so long. It had eluded me for the years in which I lived in distinctly unkinky places and I'd nearly chalked it up as a nonexistent fantasy. I have no doubt that our meeting was kismet.

My service year was a real gift from the universe and it has had an immensely positive and profound influence on my life since its inception. It was a stepping stone into the kink scene that has given me an enormous leg-up in terms of my being a solo kinkster for the first time. Things would have turned out SO differently, if I'd had to explore all of this on my own -- I don't know if I would have been able to take the first steps and I honestly don't think I would have stuck around if I'd started with the munches, as everyone suggests. I find attending those kinds of things alone agonizing, due to my anxiety, and oftentimes also tedious and boring, so there would have been little appeal there to keep me coming back.

None of my fond memories have escaped the seeping poison of her venomous tongue, so while I now no longer can pleasantly reminisce, I do look back and know that I was pretty happy with the situation at the time. It was good while it lasted and, despite how everything went down at the end, I still think myself unbelievably lucky. I had a beautiful year filled with fun and adventure, gently guided through the door into the wide world of kink; not only was I exposed to a wide spectrum of activities, I also met a lot of really cool and interesting people and now have a much-expanded social world. I try to stay positive, so I remember that I never would have experienced so much in so little time if it weren't for her and I am genuinely grateful for that.

Monday, February 04, 2013

A Rant

Just because I'm okay with you having other partners doesn't mean I want them rubbed in my face. I don't need to know about your shenanigans and all the dirty things you do, or want to do, to each other. Your happiness makes me happy, but not when it's at the expense of my own. It feels shitty when you only talk to me when you feel like it, so most days, I get to sit here thinking of you out gallivanting, getting laid, having loads of fun... just not with me.

Something about it feels shitty, like I'm just a toy that you take out whenever you feel like it, put away and forgotten most of the time. I keep getting drawn back because when I'm around you, it's like the bright warmth of the sun is shining only on me, and it's an amazing feeling. When I'm around you, you are fun, affectionate, and complimentary, and I feel appreciated and cared for. But then, when you're done, I'm put back on the shelf and left to sit in silence until the next time.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Five Love Languages

Until fairly recently, I had never heard of the Five Love Languages. Someone mentioned it to me a few months ago when we were talking about our love of service and she said that service was her primary love language. I, of course, was curious and Googled it. A light went off in my head, sort of like I'd been handed a key to something that unlocked a door I'd never seen before. I found it very interesting and compelling, but never got around to buying the book or looking more deeply into it. Fortunately for me, there is an online quiz!

Learning about this concept, it really made a lot of sense, even if I wasn't sure where I fell in the scheme of things. There are just very clear disconnects sometimes in relationships where it's almost like a lack of communication, in regards to needs. I have historically found it difficult to quantify what this disconnect is, why the pieces don't fit well, but what I realize now, with this concept, is that we simply were speaking different languages. It makes so much sense now, why one relationship would flow better and make me feel happier, more appreciated, and more secure -- thinking about it, those are the people who speak my language.

When I first got my scores, I was a bit incredulous.. I didn't at all expect the result and had predicted differently. I was at first resistant because I don't necessarily like to think of myself as someone who requires a lot of praise or compliments, but as I continue to think about it, about the happiest and most satisfying relationships I've had, I realize that they were with highly verbal and communicative people, and that this all is pretty darn accurate.

So, while I'm still a bit surprised by the result, it makes so much sense. Words and language are like air to me; very important and I love just about everything related, vocabulary and all the nuances, how the words people use are uniquely suited to them. So, it makes perfect sense that I thrive on affirmation and praise. One "good girl" and I'm flying high for the rest of the day.

8 - Words of Affirmation
7 - Acts of Service
6 - Quality Time
5 - Receiving Gifts
4 - Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Physical Touch
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


Her body was a constant temptation. What I would have given to be able to feel those luscious curves under my hands! I tried not to be overt about it, but I was intensely aware of her body any time she was near. In a group setting, people would be chatting and I would find myself slowly losing all notice of anything beside her hands, her lips, how beautiful her features were. I'd enter my own world of reverie, vividly imagining inappropriate things like the feel of her lips parting under mine. Oh, those lips, so plump and ripe for kissing; I made secret wishes to the universe that some day, just once, I would be lucky enough to know exactly how it felt.

Her hands caught my attention frequently. I would sit and watch her hands and think in wonder that so much pleasure and pain came from those hands, the source of so many wonderful things. I sometimes would get a flash of memory, her hand grabbing a part of my body, long manicured nails digging hard into my flesh, and my body would respond with a sharp pang of arousal, causing me to gasp for breath. And oh, those nails, which she gleefully raked over my body, hard enough to leave marks for days, and occasionally piercing my skin. I loved it all. I loved the sensation in the moment, I loved her delight, and I loved the intimacy of the markings coming by her hands.

What I would have given, to be able to give back an equal amount of pleasure. I wanted to worship her,  and to hear her moan in pleasure as a result of my ministrations would have been exquisite.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Often, when I'm getting a beating, I don't know exactly what my Domme is using on me because I'm blindfolded or facing the wrong direction, heh. There seems to be a disconnect between the way something looks and feels in my hand, even if it's one of my own and I have used it on others, and the way it feels when wielded against me.

I completely mis-guessed several implements that were used on me during my last playdate, including ones that I brought, myself. Interestingly, there were times when my physical response changed once I knew what the toy was; I found it easier to take when I knew what to expect. Of course, it worked the other way, too, and knowing she had something intimidating in her hand made me whimper and brace in anticipation.

I was smacked with a lot of interesting things over the course of an hour and a half... straps, canes, tawses, floggers, a cat-o-nine-tails, a long plastic shoe horn, a cake slicer, a paddle made of a boot sole, a heavy metal abalone opener, a plastic-coated wire cable carpet beater... between us, we have a very fun collection. :)

Friday, January 18, 2013


I met a new Domme recently and we had our first playdate a couple of nights ago, which was my first heavy beating in about nine months. It went well and was a lot of fun, but I was very surprised at how much of my tolerance I've lost! I couldn't take nearly as much as I used to be able to, and frankly felt like kind of a wuss at times, but I consoled myself in the fact that she's only had non-masochistic sensory play partners lately, so I'm sure I'm in a different league, in comparison. A notable and tangible testament to my regained sensitivity is the fact that my ass is bruised and marked up, something that was a woefully rare occurrence in my past experiences.

It's so funny, because ordinarily, when playing with someone new, I find people go "too easy" on me; like if I want to be at a 6 on the pain scale, they're at a 3 or 4. It still feels good and is completely understandable (as in, I would be wary of an incautious Domme wanting things to get heavy really quick), but it's a bit disappointing in a way because, ultimately, I crave more.

I'm not sure if it was because she was going at me hard, but it was tough sometimes; she doesn't have loads of experience, so it's unclear to me how much of the difficulty was because I'm more sensitive, as opposed to her not realizing how hard she was hitting me. I had to explain to her that canes are vicious and that it doesn't take much force to make it painful, for example, and she seemed a bit surprised. So, there will be a learning curve, but she is very warm and kind, as well as powerful, so it will be a fun exploration.