Thursday, February 28, 2013

Pain, Redux

It's funny.. just when I think I know myself, I find that things evolve and shift. I was a fairly heavy player at this time last year, and I could take an impressive beating. My tolerance was such that the other pro Dommes that played with us would sometimes comment on how much I could take, and I took a certain pride in that.

For about 9 months, I wasn't playing very often, and when I did, it usually wasn't the kind of heavy play I was used to. Last month, I started playing with Stasia, a new Domme who contacted me on FetLife. She was a heavy sadist and was looking for a matching sub. I thought, going into it, that nothing had changed for me and I was really excited to play more heavily than I'd been getting. However, I discovered very quickly that my tolerance levels had dropped significantly and I found myself having to adjust and re-examine myself as a submissive and masochist.

Stasia and I played a few times, the last two having ended on a disappointing note -- we'd come back from a break, she'd get overzealous and wallop me way too hard with something without proper warmup. The first time was so overwhelmingly painful that I cried, which is something that doesn't happen very often. I didn't want to end on that note, but I found that it had snapped me out of my headspace and that I couldn't continue.

I had mixed feelings about my play relationship with Stasia, and recently ended it. It was mainly due to what I perceived as different play styles and desires. She wanted to play heavy and to hit hard, and while I once could have taken it, things have changed. Where I am now, I realize that it's much more about the D/s and sensory play than it is about the pain. I'm now into light-to-moderate pain and I'm perfectly okay at that level. I imagine my tolerance will increase with more frequent play, but I don't view it as much as a competition now.

Before, I liked the gradual pushing of my limits and took a good deal of pride in hearing, "Oh, wow. She can take a lot." Of course, the expansion of my limits was done fairly gently and ultimately seemed like the natural progression of things. When sexual play is off the table, you're left with oh, I'm going to spank you and hit you with these things, which can maybe become a bit boring after a while... hence the introduction to needles and edge play. So, it became about her giving me a good beating, pushing my limits, and seeing how far I could go.

Being a solo kinkster has been a learning experience in its own right. I've had to completely readjust my idea of who I am and I had to learn how to communicate my wants, needs, and preferences. This time around, it's more about me, though I admit that it has been a bit disorienting; I've been so used to it being all about the other person, and having to work around or sacrificing for their needs and desires.

I'm having to learn what I like almost all over again, an odd and interesting sensation. The things that held true before are not necessarily true now, plus I have better explored my psyche, kink theory, polyamory, etc. and am learning that not only can I totally ask for what I want, I can also say no to things I don't like that much. That seems simple, but previously, I had entirely handed myself, mind and body, over to ex-Mistress and was (willingly) going along with whatever she wanted out of a deep desire to please and delight. Hearing her giggling and having a good time meant so much more to me than my dislike of any particular activity, so I submitted completely and gave her carte blanche to do whatever her little sadistic heart desired.

The whole directing-my-experience-as-a-submissive thing is therefore kind of a foreign concept. I'm so used to relinquishing all control that I feel like I'm exploring new territory. I'm having to figure out my likes and limits in such a way that I can communicate them. Not only that, but that I should communicate them... with ex-Mistress, I felt too afraid or shy to ask for things. I already had to deal with a certain amount of rejection in our relationship, so any more was hard to swallow.

I've had several play partners since and that has been very interesting. My current Domme was an important piece of the puzzle; with her, I have learned that I can find what I want elsewhere and this made it easier to let go of ex-Mistress, because that was when I first realized that she wasn't the only one who could deliver the awesome, sensual pet-spank-pet-spank beatings that I love the most. Not only that, but I now get even more of what I want.. loads of affection, snuggles, biting, kissing, having my bits played with..

So, I am learning and growing, but ultimately feel very optimistic about things. Even though things looked bleak for a while, it freed me up to welcome new and better opportunities. I learned what didn't work for me and I also learned what I really, truly want. Because of this, I am now in a D/s relationship that really works for me and satisfies most of my needs, and I am looking forward to seeing what is in store during this new chapter of my life.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Letting Go

My relationship with ex-Mistress ended on a sour note, to put it lightly, and we have not been much in contact since her visit this past July. The loss when they moved was one thing, but our final contact added insult to injury. It's taken me some months, but I can finally say that I have moved on and I have even managed to keep a positive spin on things.

I've found that I can look at it as an astronomically fortunate beginning to my kinky journey; without being able to articulate any of it, I found exactly what I had been dreaming of for so long. It had eluded me for the years in which I lived in distinctly unkinky places and I'd nearly chalked it up as a nonexistent fantasy. I have no doubt that our meeting was kismet.

My service year was a real gift from the universe and it has had an immensely positive and profound influence on my life since its inception. It was a stepping stone into the kink scene that has given me an enormous leg-up in terms of my being a solo kinkster for the first time. Things would have turned out SO differently, if I'd had to explore all of this on my own -- I don't know if I would have been able to take the first steps and I honestly don't think I would have stuck around if I'd started with the munches, as everyone suggests. I find attending those kinds of things alone agonizing, due to my anxiety, and oftentimes also tedious and boring, so there would have been little appeal there to keep me coming back.

None of my fond memories have escaped the seeping poison of her venomous tongue, so while I now no longer can pleasantly reminisce, I do look back and know that I was pretty happy with the situation at the time. It was good while it lasted and, despite how everything went down at the end, I still think myself unbelievably lucky. I had a beautiful year filled with fun and adventure, gently guided through the door into the wide world of kink; not only was I exposed to a wide spectrum of activities, I also met a lot of really cool and interesting people and now have a much-expanded social world. I try to stay positive, so I remember that I never would have experienced so much in so little time if it weren't for her and I am genuinely grateful for that.

Monday, February 04, 2013

A Rant

Just because I'm okay with you having other partners doesn't mean I want them rubbed in my face. I don't need to know about your shenanigans and all the dirty things you do, or want to do, to each other. Your happiness makes me happy, but not when it's at the expense of my own. It feels shitty when you only talk to me when you feel like it, so most days, I get to sit here thinking of you out gallivanting, getting laid, having loads of fun... just not with me.

Something about it feels shitty, like I'm just a toy that you take out whenever you feel like it, put away and forgotten most of the time. I keep getting drawn back because when I'm around you, it's like the bright warmth of the sun is shining only on me, and it's an amazing feeling. When I'm around you, you are fun, affectionate, and complimentary, and I feel appreciated and cared for. But then, when you're done, I'm put back on the shelf and left to sit in silence until the next time.