Sunday, March 31, 2013

In case you're wondering...

... this blog came well before that John Mayer song. I honestly don't really listen to John Mayer, and I hear he's kind of a douchebag, so I would never name my blog after one of his songs. Just a random thought and I felt that you should know that I am the O.G. Yup.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you

I really loved this piece of writing and asked permission to post it here; I identify deeply with everything expressed and I doubt I could surpass the eloquence with which it was written.


I love you, but I'm not in love with you
written by joi and shared with permission
Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean that I am in love with you. 
I am a person who is full of love. I want to give my love away. I need to give my love away. This does not equate to me being some unstable individual looking to latch on to the first person that comes along. I have far too much pride for that. I do, however, love to love. 
I love who I am and who I become when I am with you. Perhaps you make me feel alive, whole, beautiful, cared for, wanted, desired, stimulated, challenged, appreciated, breathless. Maybe you even make me feel loved. I love that I feel like a better person because of you. I love the smiles that you bring my heart and my face. My life is better because of you being woven into it. 
I naturally give my love away. It may be in the form of kind words, encouragement, preference for you, adoration, my body, my mind, my soul. I have a need to express my love and to share my love. It is hard for some to understand what my motives are. I just want to love you and appreciate you for who you are. I feel like we all want and long to be loved. It is hard for me to hold back and not give you a small gift, touch you, hug you, hold you, kiss you or to not send you a note telling you how wonderful I think you are. To try and keep my love bottled up inside makes me miserable. 
Maybe you are a friend, a lover, a play partner, submissive or bottom, a Dominant or even a Master. You are important to me, not your role. I love you just the way that you are and for who I am when I am with you. It is because of you that my journey has many moments of happiness that I can treasure. 
When I see your smile, hear you laugh or know that you are happy, my heart celebrates with you. I love your strength, your heart, your will, your confidence, your intelligence, your humor, your skills, your body, your mystery. I do not need to know all things about you to love you. I simply love you, but I'm not in love with you.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..

Jade and I crossed paths at a time when I was smarting over a bad breakup and things felt shitty and bleak. I missed kink so much, but after trying a few events solo, I found that my heart wasn't really in it. I was a sad panda, but I didn't want to be. I wanted to have fun!

We met over coffee and I liked her immediately. She had a very disarming, friendly way about her and I could tell that she was fun. Hanging out with her more confirmed that as fact; she is a lot of fun! The more time we spent together, the more I liked her and came to find that she is a really quality person. We had to put things on hold for a time, but I waited because, even though we were still getting to know each other, I could tell that she was an exceptional person. Every time I found myself feeling down about it, I thought of all of our interactions and was reminded of how wonderful she was, and I felt deep down that she was someone I wanted in my life.

We played for the first time at a BDSM club and I admit that it's a treasured memory. I wasn't prepared for how awesome she is at spanking and I surprised myself by immediately melting into subspace. Her spankings are ah-may-zing! She loves to spank barehanded, which is my absolute favorite. I also love all the tactile things, the scratching, the biting.. I love the closeness of hands and of physical touch, something I find lacking when there's an implement between me and the other person.

If I'm being totally honest, this first play session was a crucial turning point in getting over my breakup. When the spanking started, it immediately aroused that same warm, cozy, languid feeling I missed and so craved. I became elated with every blow, as I realized how silly it had been to think that only one person could make me feel that way. I felt all of the angst and worry break up inside me, which lead to wonderful relief and elation as I relaxed into the play. It was a really pivotal moment that I treasure and for which I am grateful.

My friendship with Jade has grown to include D/s, something which I find super fun, but also helpful because I seem to do much better with a firm Dominant hand in my life. She's good to me, kind, gentle, caring. I feel very comfortable with her, like I can fully be myself. She values open and honest communication, and listens intently and compassionately. I feel that I can go to her with any problem or concern and that she has my feelings and best interests at heart. She is thoughtful and giving, but also wonderful and grateful recipient, making it a pleasure to give gifts to or to do things for her.

It's such a nice feeling to be thought of and taken care of. I was over at her house and noticed this awesome pair of boots sitting there. They're tall leather equestrian boots with nice trimmings, I eyed them for a bit and then asked if they were hers. She told me that not only had she bought them to wear for me because she knows I love boots, but that she did so while were on hiatus. First of all, it's ridiculous how thrilled I was that she not only bought the boots, but got them specifically for me because she knew me well enough to know it'd make me really happy. I'm really touched by the whole thing, not only to be understood and thought of, but that she was thinking of me even when we weren't speaking regularly.

I was pretty hardcore at one time, but I've had to reevaluate and stop thinking of masochism competitively. Because I once took pride in how much I could take, I had a bit of self-doubt regarding my shift in tolerance and preferences; I think that if I didn't have Jade in my life, this would have been more difficult. She's made it okay to like what I like and she doesn't seem to judge or get upset when I dislike activities and take them off the table. This feels awesome and really comfortable. The really fortuitous thing is that we share a bunch of the same favorites and this feels very complementary.

I'm grateful that Jade and I crossed paths. She's awesome.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Introduction to Spanking

(BDSM lifestyle and slave training)
from an anyonymous USENET posting


Position & Posture

One of the factors that sets spanking apart from other forms of swatting is the deliberate and sometimes ceremonial positioning of the participants. While some spankings are haphazard, I prefer spankings that include the ritual of positioning.

Both the spankee and spanker adopt positions that facilitate and enhance the spanking. These positions generally work to the advantage of the spanker and the disadvantage of the spankee.

The spanker enjoys the following advantages from their position:

Comfort. Whether standing or sitting, the spanker is positioned to be comfortable throughout the spanking. They are able to swing their arm at a natural angle and able to sustain a lengthy spanking with ease because of their position.

Strength. Because they are able to wind up and freely swing their arm at a natural angle, the spanker is able to apply swats to the intended target with force. While standing, the spanker cannot only swing their arm, but rotate their body to deliver maximum energy to an anxiously awaiting, clenching derriere.

Full access to the bottom to be spanked. The spankee's position is designed to fully expose their bottom and the spanker's relative position is designed to put that bottom at a convenient angle and height. Therefore, the spanker is able to completely view, tweak, pat, and spank it.

Safety. Because the spanker is in the position to easily spank the rear-end at the correct angle, it is much less likely that a blow will fall too high or too low.

Control. The spanker's position gives them the "upper hand" and allows them to easily control the spankee. They sit or stand higher than the spankee and are easily able to restrain and situate the spankee.


The spankee realizes the following effects from their position:

Relative comfort. Except for the notable exception of their backside, I think it's important that the spankee be relatively comfortable so they can focus on the sensations being inflicted upon their posterior.

Anticipation. Bending over and getting into position to get your bottom blistered signals the beginning of the spanking and builds anticipation.

Increased sensation.  A properly positioned bottom will tend to be spanked harder and more completely on the sensitive "sit spot".

Humiliation. Being put over the knee is a childish, humiliating posture. Having to "assume the position" is humiliating in its submission and rubs in the fact that they are being spanked.

Exposure. A properly positioned bottom is fully exposed. The cheeks are fully presented and split, their undersides turned up. In the case of men, the anus and back of scrotum show. Women are even more exposed, their rectums and vulvas fully visible.

Emphasis on their bottom. Spanking positions place the center of attention on the bottom of the person being spanked, a fact not lost on said person. The bottom is emphasized by its exposure and upturned position relative to the spanker.

Presentation of their bottom. Not only is the bottom exposed and emphasized, but the spankee feels they are willingly "sticking it out" and presenting it for its punishment in the same way as the condemned man who must place his head on the chopping block. The spankee knows their bottom cannot evade or escape the swats.

Submission. Cooperatively getting into position to be spanked is the primary act of submission in spanking.

Safety. Although it may be of little solace, the spankee can take comfort in the fact that their position affords safety from injury. Of course, this can be disconcerting if they know they will be spanked with even more abandon.

Loss of control. Once positioned, the spankee has relinquished control and may not easily regain it until the spanking is done. They may have difficulty removing their rear from the line of fire if they try.

Inability to clench. When standing, one can clench their cheeks together, mitigating the sting of a swat and the exposure. When properly positioned, it is more difficult to clench cheeks and the spanking will be applied to a relaxed, bouncing bottom.

Excellent visual presentation. Speaking from the point of view of an admitted bottom fancier, there are few times that someone looks more adorable and beautiful than when he or she is positioned to be spanked. Not only is the bottom emphasized, but it is formed to a flattering shape and sexily perked out. Spanking positions would be sexy even to people not into spanking.


Following are descriptions of various positions that I find erotic, their distinguishing characteristics, tactics that can be used to enhance them, and precautions to take. All descriptions assume a right-handed spanker.

Over the lap. Spanker is sitting with good posture in an armless chair, knees together. Person being spanked must lay face-down across the spanker's lap, their head to the left and feet to the right. They must be over the lap far enough so their bottom is conveniently located directly over the spanker's right thigh.

In order to preserve modesty, the person being spanked may be tempted to lie flat with their head up and legs straight out behind; however, if they are concerned for their modesty, they shouldn't have gotten themselves spanked in the first place. The spankee's head and shoulders should be angled down and their knees tucked down out of the way so that their bottom is well turned-up. A palm pressed against the back of the head and swats to the thighs are helpful in positioning the spankee.

Knees should be at least six inches apart and the lower back should be "arched" or dipped to further turn up the rear. For a woman, this will result in her vulva being fully exposed and presented. Depending on size, toes will either be resting against the floor or hoisted off a few inches. The full weight of the spankee should be resting on the lap.

Hands can either be on the floor or grasping the legs of the chair. If the right hand flies back during a spanking, it should be pinned to the lower back by the spanker's left hand.

Prior to starting to spank, the spanker should firmly grasp the spankee's waist above the right hip with the left hand to prevent squirming off the lap. Then the left elbow should be planted between the shoulder blades to keep the head and shoulders from bobbing up.

The spanker should raise their right knee slightly, turning up the bottom further. In the case of a woman spanking a boy, she should make sure his penis is pressed firmly against her right thigh and aimed to the left.

By turning their upper body to the right, the spanker can get a fuller swing and more comfortably apply a stronger swat.

By combining all of these tactics -- the raised knee, the elbow in the back, the hand in the small of the back -- the spanker can effectively pin the spankee down and spank the daylights out of them.

Over the knee. Similar to over-the-lap, except the spankee is bent over the left knee with their legs restrained by the spanker's right leg.

Hands on ankles. This is the classic school-style paddling position. The student must stand well clear of obstacles with feet shoulder-width apart. Leaving knees straight and back straight, the student must bend over and grasp their ankles with both hands. The spanker may want to observe the student's hands throughout the paddling to ensure they do not leave the ankles and earn extra swats.

The spanker stands facing the left side of the student. They should stand far enough away so the paddle barely overlaps past the right cheek. They should adjust fore and aft to ensure that both cheeks are struck at the same time (assuming a paddle is being used. Canes and straps warrant slightly forward positioning).

It is not possible to more fully expose and present a rear end than when in this position. When one is told to bend over and grab their ankles, one is, in effect, being told, "we intend to thoroughly paddle your bottom. So not only will you present your rear-end, but you will stretch and endeavor to stick it up and out as far as you absolutely, positively can. And throughout the paddling, you will continue to strain to stick it out for the paddle."

Since the angle between the legs and the upper body is well under 90 degrees, this position spreads the cheeks and exposes the rectum and genitals more than any other position.

This is a great fantasy position, but I think it only works safely in reality for spankees with flexible
bodies (especially when a thick paddle is used). Inflexible people can't reach their ankles without bending their knees. Men run the risk of getting their testicles whacked. Non-fleshy butts get pulled tightly across the pelvic bones and don't provide enough padding when a heavy paddle is used.

Hands on knees. A safer, more workable position than hands-on-ankles. The bottom is presented in a plumper, more paddle-friendly shape, but visually, the position is still very school-like. Depending on the person, I think this position can be more visually appealing because the back can be arched a bit, which perks up the bottom. In fact, the further up the legs the hands are placed, the more the spankee can arch their back and stick out their rump.

Again, feet should be shoulder-width apart and hand position enforced. Because the back can be arched and bottom upturned, it should be required, both prior and during the paddling. A technique which tends to arch the back correctly is to require the student to look forward at a spot high on the wall. That way, they are required to pull their head up and arch their back.

Over the desk on tiptoes. Another school-like position. The student must bend over a desk with nose or chest pressed to the desk. Hands and arms should be placed on the desk over their head to further arch the back. To further elevate their bottom to be spanked, they must raise up on their toes. Penalty swats can be awarded for ever incidence of a heel touching the floor (hint: watch after the "last" swat before the student is told they may relax).

Over a barstool or horse. This is probably the best position for paddling because the bottom is presented in a plump and relaxed manner. The person to be punished must lay their full weight across the stool, their feet hanging and hands grasping the legs of the stool at a level such that there is a little support for their upper body.

This is a relaxed, comfortable position which works well for lengthy spankings.

Laying on bed. Another comfortable position for lengthy spankings and ensuing diversions. The spankee must lay face-down on a bed. Their face should be pressed to the mattress while their hips and bottom are elevated on pillows. Since pillows are compressible it may take three or four to achieve the proper elevation.

Kneeling in chair. One of my favorite positions for spankees with great butts because, when properly executed, it presents the rear in its most flattering light. The trick is in the execution.

The spankee must kneel in the seat of a padded chair (save those knees), facing the back with the thighs vertical and upper body forward over the back. Again, the spankee should be required to arch the back well.

Two things conspire to shape his or her bottom cutely. First, the back of the chair prevents him or her from bending so far as to preclude a good back arch. Second, just as high heels shape calves fully by angling the foot to shorted and bulge the calf muscle, kneeling with the calves at right angles to the thighs seems to allow the buttocks to bulge fully.


I've found the following tactics can be used to enhance and focus on positioning:

Adjustment and readjustment. I think it's important to deliberately position and adjust the spankee prior to the first swat. Emphasis should be placed on positioning and presenting the bottom fully. Throughout the spanking, the spankee should be readjusted as their position begins to fail. Verbal instruction. I think it's best to require the spankee to willfully maintain their own position without the physical assistance of the spanker, especially in the case of stand-up paddlings. Therefore, verbal communication is necessary throughout the spanking to encourage the spankee to continue to assume the correct position.

Pickiness. One of the disciplinary aspects of a spanking is that no matter how perfectly the spankee is positioned, they can always improve, stick their bottom out a little further, etc. The spanker should not feel guilty that their exacting demands regarding position are perhaps a little too picky and unrealistic.


Friday, March 08, 2013

When Good is Bad

I'm far from being a perfect person, but I am exceedingly thoughtful and I work hard in my relationships. It's important to me to treat others well and with care, to keep things fair and balanced, and to make sure that their needs and feelings are met and respected.

I work hard to do all the right things. I'm easy-going, honest, and compassionate, so safe and open dialogue can happen. I'm not crazy and I will never flip my shit on someone unless it's beyond warranted. I'm not a stalker, a cheater, a manipulator. I'm giving, kind, and well-behaved.

So, what is the problem, then? Something that has come up over and over and over again in my life -- I may just be too good. In my opinion, there is no such thing, and I want to be good... but for some reason, my deep goodness rarely resonates in others. Sure, it's appreciated, but my goodness rarely actually gets me anywhere.

I feel like I'm standing in the center of everything, me in slow motion, nearly standing still, while the world spins and whirls around me. No one sees me, other than to notice not to bump into me. It's an invisible, unfair feeling, especially since time and time again, I see that it's the squeaky wheels that get the attention. I'm beginning to seriously resent this fact.

I don't want to act out, I don't want to be crazy, and I don't want to demand attention. It's simply not who I am; I believe it is better to be awesome and say nothing than it is to crow about it. Generally, when you're awesome, you don't need to crow about it, because others will notice on their own. I just really am at a loss as to what the hell I'm supposed to do, if being good isn't working.

I want to be good, so much so that I want to be the perfect everything. I'll never reach perfection, but I still try. I simply fail to understand why being good, being what people say they want and look for, seems to be unattractive, rather than the opposite.

I'm getting really sick and tired of watching everyone else get the things I want, while all I get is a pat on the head as an afterthought. All I can think is that maybe I should be less well-behaved, but that makes me sad because it's not who I am.