Friday, May 31, 2013

Single

I was briefly tempted to title this post 'Forced Vanilla', considering I'm currently absent of kink, but then I realized that, regardless of whether I have a partner or not, I will always be kinky.. and that makes me happy.

I know I made the right decision with Jade, so I don't regret that at all. I've just had to work through feelings and assorted bullshit, which is never fun, but is helped by solitude and loud music. I have a lot of anger and resentment built up and I need some time. She keeps trying to interact with me and I find it a little frustrating. My way to healing is to excise the person from my life as much as possible; I don't want to talk to them, hear their name, or be reminded of them in any way. I dunno, maybe that's weird. I just need to forget them to move on and every reminder just rips the wound open and sets me back in terms of healing.

I started dating someone else right before we broke up and that was quite promising for a month or so, the time it took me to get that she was using me as an ego-boost while her 'sweetheart' moped over a devastating breakup. When I realized that she was unwilling to make any time for me in her life, unless it was her idea or at her convenience, I immediately lost interest and have not texted her since.

I met her through Jade and then not long after, she joined in on a spanking and it was a lot of fun. There was strong mutual attraction and we began dating, though I never really got anywhere with her and it was pretty frustrating and confusing, but I couldn't put my finger on why. The last straw came last week when I asked if she wanted to do something and she blew me off; this has been the pattern, she says no whenever I ask to spend time with her, even though I know her schedule and she has plenty of time to fit me in if she wanted. The only time we do manage to hang out, it's her idea, her suggestion, and at her convenience. It's bizarre to me because there is a hell of a lot of chemistry and sexual tension between us, we have a lot of the same kinky interests, and frankly, have already been sexual (in the play session), so I don't know why she was impossible to pin down.

The night I asked to hang out, she told me she was going to be cooking all night and could easily have asked me over to just hang out while she did that, or at the very least said something like, 'I can't that night, but how about Monday?' It's been a week since we last spoke and that in and of itself gives me all the proof I need in terms of her interest level. The truth is, if someone really likes you, they will find a way to make time for you. Trust me, they will.. they will fit you in wherever they can. If you ever come across someone who never seems to have time for you, they are just not that into you. :]

Anyway, the honest truth is that I feel pretty done with things at the moment, like I just have no more time or energy to spend on unworthy people. I have no desire for Jade or for the lady I referenced above, I even realized that I have no desire for this brewing friends-with-benefits situation with a hot coworker, which previously brought me a great deal of glee. I've also had a sporadic fuck buddy situation with a guy, so I haven't been entirely sexless, but he too has disappointed me in his flakiness and unreliability. There's also something around our dealings with each other, specifically how he acts, that bothers me, but I've yet to put my finger on what it is specifically. I haven't contacted him, either, and just feel a lack of desire in general. Every time I think about dating, pursuing kink, or any of it, I just want to close up and go GRRRRRRR.  I feel made of stone right now.

Despite the fact that I just said that, I did go on a coffee date yesterday with a new Domme. I'm not particularly looking at the moment, but she posted an ad that turned out to be really compelling, as did her profile, and unusually in line with what I'm ultimately seeking. We talked for about an hour and a half and we seemed to hit it off well. She's tall, gorgeous, and very warm.  I left feeling pretty good about things, but it's way too soon to tell what might come of that, if anything.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Bliss

Last night was spent snuggling with two of my favorite things: a pretty girl and a kitty. <3

Friday, May 17, 2013

I Broke Up with Jade

After I wrote the previous post, I thought a lot about everything, but no matter how I turned it in my mind, I couldn't get past the cold, hard fact that I was very unhappy with the situation. I sat with it, but the more I thought about it, the more obvious it seemed that I was trying to be okay with something that sat very poorly with me, and that was making me miserable. When my mind is made up, my mind is made up, so I told her everything in my last post.

In truth, our relationship has been a bit off  lately, with neither one of us feeling much of a desire to play. She told me she agreed with everything I said, adding that she had felt a lot of pressure to be something she's not in order to make me feel okay with things, and that "our friendship is too awesome to get in the way of something silly like me getting to give you spankings". I told her I'd need a break for a while, she said okay, and that's where we stand now.

It's sad to lose that part of our relationship because it was so wonderful, and frankly, it's a bit scary to me to be facing a future devoid of regular kink. I find it daunting to not know where my next spanking is going to come from, I admit it. However, the truth is that I was carrying around a lot of ill feelings, trying to go along with something I ultimately strongly disagree with. When things were good, the play was out of this world, and was totally worth any uneasiness I felt; the high of these amazing sessions would carry me through a week at a time.

I kept trying to be okay with things and resentment kept building up. I still kind of want to scream regarding certain aspects, because I find it so ridiculous and stupid. It's been frustrating as hell to sit by, watching events unfold, all the while seething with righteous indignation. I finally realized that the good play times had waned, and what was left was not at all able to counter all the bad feelings. It got to the point where I couldn't shake what I felt even when hanging out with her, and that had always previously been just the salve I needed.

In hindsight, things got a bit strained between us, and therefore neither one of us seemed to have much desire to play, nor the same chemistry as we once did, when we did play. I guess we both felt weird.

It's all for the better, really, as I am so fucking tired of being frustrated and sexually rejected in D/s relationships. Just really over it, and I feel that I deserve so much more than that. I don't think there is any way for me not to take it personally; while I theoretically accept the whole non-sexual kink thing, it just winds up making me feel shitty and self-doubting.

So, I say fuck that. Life is too short to not get what I want. I'm an amazing sub, the kind that Doms fantasize about, and I deserve to be fulfilled and getting my needs met. I no longer have patience for things that don't feel good. Why waste my time?


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Dissonance

I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to break up with Jade. I really don't want to; I love playing with her and I think she's super awesome, and losing that would be something I'd feel deeply sad about.

I just am not happy. I keep trying to be okay with things, but it seems to be insurmountable. I keep getting hurt and upset, and frankly, I'm really unhappy with that whole situation.

I'm certainly not looking to change her and since this is the way she is, and these are the relationship boundaries, my choices are to either deal with it or to end things.

The dealing with it is simply not working, and at this point, I feel all kinds of hurt, frustration, and anger. I realized just a bit ago that this situation is most likely the main cause of my recent emotional difficulties. I've been feeling sad, depressed, irritable, angry, etc. I don't blame her for my feelings, rather it is the situation that is causing me a great deal of angst.

I keep shoving away how things with Jade make me feel, because there seems to be no way to live with them or make them go away entirely. Somehow, it never occurred to me that Jade/our relationship might be the source, but of course it makes sense that pushing things away would eventually lead to a build-up of emotion, distress, and unhappiness.

Now that I have landed on this idea, I feel in my gut that it's probably right. I don't get enough regular play, or whatever it is I need, that might balance out my jealousy and insecurities, or maybe they would never go away entirely. The play is amazing, but even though it would be really sad and painful to end it, is it really worth feeling shitty 95% of the time?

Logically, I just don't think that it is, and I think it's stupid to keep doing something that is causing me neverending pain.

I need to ponder this a bit more, but I think I know what I need to do.

Monday, May 06, 2013

The Rope That Binds

"Let go or be dragged." -- Zen proverb


When I read these words on a friend's profile nearly a year ago, they resonated with me and gave me pause. I read the words again and again, letting them sink in. I realized in that moment that I was indeed being dragged, and that I had the power to let go.

I had a vivid imagery of being dragged behind a horse and the sudden, empowering insight that I could let go of the rope, letting the horse speed off without me. I was surprised to find relief in this place; that I could let go of the rope hadn't even occurred to me until that moment.

I've taped this quote to the bathroom mirror and I ponder the words daily. Letting go is something I find very difficult, but it helps to remember that I have the power to decide when to stop being dragged.