Friday, June 21, 2013

Scattered and Angsty

I've been needing to write, but my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.

It's been a month and a half since I broke up with Jade and I'm still feeling angry. I haven't come very far and I seriously wonder if I'm going to be able to be friends with her at all.

It sucks; I love her and think she's super awesome, but I don't think I'll ever be okay with things, especially since I imagine things will be even worse for me now that we're just friends and she won't feel like she has to hold back any longer. Which, by the way, was really hard for her and made her feel like she was trying to be someone else for me? I can't help but get stuck on that, too; was it so difficult to be sensitive to my feelings?

Me and my giant bag of shitty feelings, which I am apparently alone in dealing with. She never seemed terribly bothered by my breaking up with her. Her response was as I imagined, brief, telling me she agreed with everything I said, that lately she'd been feeling a lot of pressure to be something she's not to make me feel okay with things, and that our friendship was too awesome "to let a silly thing like getting to spank you get in the way of that."

It felt very casual and I didn't read any sadness in it at all. I replied that I'd need a little break for a while, but because she's in a period of instability, that she should feel free to ask me for things if she needed them.

She then went on her merry way, seemingly unaffected, leaving me holding this shitty bag of feelings to deal with..

She periodically tries to interact with me, even though I've restricted most of my posts on Facebook. I honestly feel a bit pressured; she just made a post on a photo stating she wanted to have giant beers soon and I don't even know what to say. I'm not even close to ready to hang out again. I completely understand how she must feel, having been in her position those months ago when the tables were turned.

As an aside, I'm not doing this intentionally or trying to punish her, but I admit that I find this reversal to be an ironic coincidence.

The truth of the matter is that I feel so angry and resentful that, no matter how much I miss her, I feel pretty certain that I will never be able to sit back and watch her slut it up without it bringing up these shitty feelings.

I really don't know what to do about that, though I'm afraid the answer is that I will be unable to remain friends with her. Which is yet again ironic, in that she claimed to be afraid that sleeping with me would ruin our friendship... only to have it ruined because she would not sleep with me...

Ultimately, though, it was more than that, The whole thing felt bad and was making me miserable. It wasn't even about the sex anymore, at the end. I realized that I didn't even really desire her anymore, and that it was more about how confusing, hurtful, and unfair things felt. I was extremely frustrated with the situation.

Also on my mind a lot recently, unfortunately, is ex-Mistress. Her husband M came into town for work and I met him for drinks one night. I figured ex-Mistress would accompany him on his visit and I heard through the grapevine that she was indeed here, but I'm not certain. M never mentioned it and also said something about almost taking a girl back to his hotel room, so I don't know. It's possible she was staying with friends. In any case, I was afraid we'd run into each other at the Domme house, where I clean once a week, but fortunately, that went uneventfully... maybe someone gave her a heads-up, or maybe she visited another day. In any event, I was glad to be spared the extreme awkwardness, but I had totally prepared myself just in case.

I was nervous about seeing M. It's been nearly a year since I last saw them and that's when everything went down. I blocked ex-Mistress on Facebook long ago because I got sick of seeing her name pop up all over the place via mutual friends, even after I'd de-friended her. M is not super active on Facebook, so I haven't known what's going on with them.

When I arrived, his friend Sarah was still there. I had hoped to not see her, as she had been weirdly snide and bitchy to me when we first met at the farewell BBQ. The only thing I could figure is that she was smirking at my being the submissive of the household, because I was working the party?  In any case, she'd made me feel bad, when I'd been friendly and trying to be a good host, so after a few weird interactions with her, I ignored her for the rest of the party.

This time was different, though. Totally different situation and mindset, and I refused to let her get the better of me. I was prepared for more snideness, but instead she seemed the uncomfortable one this time, to my surprise. She got up and left not long after I arrived and I felt pretty good. I wasn't going to let her make me feel bad again and I didn't.

M and I had a few beers and caught up. All in all, it was really good, with minimal awkwardness, and it was great to see him.

The bad part came after, when I realized I missed him, and that led to reminiscing. It's very hard for me to pleasantly reminisce these days; everything leads back to how shitty she was with me and how things are now. So, that all of course makes me rather sad, particularly since I'm so very single at the moment, to be reminded that my life then was so interesting and relatively exciting. Every time I'm at the Domme house, I can't help but think of our times there and how uniquely amazing it all made me feel, including my service to her.

I've held off posting about the situation because I suspect ex-Mistress is still reading this, my reasoning being that if she wanted to know what my damage is, she should confront the situation and ask. A year later, with no sign of reconciliation or even a basic apology, I realized that I no longer care anymore. This realization was pretty liberating. Certainly things seem really over, so what does it matter, right? It seems stupid to hold back from posting something here because she may or may not be reading.

I don't know why she can't apologize or even acknowledge what she's done and how it impacted me. I have gone over and over things and I don't think that I did anything wrong other than having feelings. I probably shouldn't have spewed out everything when I did, but I had been trying to hold it in until they left. I kept telling myself that they were only here for a few days and I really didn't want to be the source of any drama, but by that final morning, I was so ready to explode that when she commented, it all came tumbling out.

I don't feel like I should have to lay out the reasons I'm upset; she should be able to see how selfish, insensitive, and cruel she was! Even if I did lay them all out, I can just hear her deflecting, twisting, gaslighting... so what is the point, anyhow?

I also can't get over the fact that she seems to believe she has some legitimate reason to not speak to me or whatever she's doing, like she really, strongly believes she's so right that she'd give up our relationship. I cannot see where or how she could legitimately hold this position, considering I've never done anything to her. I've only ever been patient and obedient.

I can't imagine she feels supremely used and discarded. I can't imagine she felt the sting of betrayal that I felt when she visited and acted like an inconsiderate asshole, who then scampered off after a cruel parting shot. She wanted to make it about my having feelings for her, but that is only the smallest piece of the puzzle, and therefore, I find it insulting that she won't even acknowledge what the real issue is, that she was shitty when she came to visit, that she treated me with great insensitivity.

I was never cruel to her. I guess I can sit satisfied, knowing that I treated her with unfailing respect, deference, and compassion, even to the end when I could have lashed back, but didn't. Looking back, that wasn't the only time she was intentionally cruel, either... in hindsight, all of those moments are much harder to swallow now.

I'm so pissed that, a year later, I still think of her every day. It doesn't help that I never got any real closure, so part of me wonders if some day I'll get another text from her. She kept sending these brief little texts, almost like a tease... At first, I thought she was getting her feet wet, that it was promising, that we might finally reconcile. But then, that's all it ever was, these short texts saying pretty much nothing and leaving me to wonder, with the last ones feeling a bit manipulative in their nostalgia (just pics, no commentary, of some things I made).

I grew frustrated with whatever it was.. no communication, just these messages that felt like pokes. After a while, it was sort of like, 'shit or get off the pot!' My reply was more measured and nicer, of course, saying maybe she didn't understand how upset I am and that after everything that went down, I felt I deserved more than a bunch of poke-y texts. That was a few months ago and I never got a reply, but knowing that she hates communication about difficult things, that was not much of a surprise, really.

I keep trying to put myself in her shoes, to understand her refusal to address the situation. Surely she must realize that she owes me a huge apology, or could she really be so in denial or so self-absorbed to not see it, maybe going so far as to believe I'm the one in the wrong? Does she see it and is too proud?

The statement here is that I and our relationship aren't worth it... I mean, it's been a fucking year already and wasn't I worth more than that?! Maybe I was mistaken in thinking we had a deep and special relationship, but I honestly can't comprehend what I view as her carelessly throwing away our year together. It's more than that, in that her shitty behavior while visiting, and through her subsequent refusal to make it right, she has ultimately ruined our relationship, and for what?  To quote the immortal words of Whitney Houston, "was it really worth you going out like that"?