Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Blue Light of Dawn

It wasn't until we'd dated for a month or so and we were snuggled in bed, and I was gazing at her sleeping form in the blue light of dawn, that I suddenly noticed. My heart leapt at the moment of realization and I was a bit stunned by the fact that I hadn't realized until that very moment. She looked a lot like ex-Mistress.

"How could I not have noticed?" I asked myself over and over, as I looked at her, taking in all the details with new eyes. I laid there appraising her sleeping profile and my heart sank with every confirmation: curly red hair, milky skin, curves, blue eyes...

I couldn't believe that I hadn't put it together before; it seemed so obvious now. There were even similarities in their facial contours and features. I found that if I squinted a little, it was perhaps too easy to imagine that I was lying next to ex-Mistress.

I felt a confusing mix of feelings. On one hand, it felt kind of good to imagine it was ex-Mistress, but that made me also feel guilty and weird. Guilty because here I was, lying next to someone and pretending she was someone else. Even if it was brief, even if it was just to try on the feelings to see what they felt like, it seemed wrong. I felt weird about it, too, like it was wrong and I shouldn't do it, but also I was a bit angry at myself for enjoying it when I really should have been over ex-Mistress long ago.

I don't know how I didn't notice the similarities before, since they seem so clear in hindsight. I honestly wasn't paying enough attention to see the whole picture; while they look alike, they also are very different, with completely different styles and personalities. I just never put it together until that early morning lying by her side; who would have expected the dim light of dawn to be so clarifying?

Monday, August 12, 2013

Note to Self

LET GO. Stop clinging tightly to bullshit situations you gave up for good reason.

LET GO -- none of it is relevant in this moment. Drop the bag, the rope, whatever -- walk away.

There is no sense in getting worked up or pissed off about what they are doing now. It may make no sense, it may make your blood boil, but it's no longer any of your concern. Try to look on the bright side and see this as a good thing; not your problem anymore!

You cannot change people and they cannot be fixed. They sometimes must continue to make the same foolish mistakes until they learn for themselves -- nothing you say or do can replace the stark light of a hard-earned lesson.

Know, too, that some people are damaged, and may not see or appreciate what you have to offer. It's frustrating, but if you know and have an appreciation for your own worth, it will sting less when others don't.

The things that others do as a result of their damage should not be taken personally, as it demonstrates unhealed wounds and is more about the person's history than it is you. Remember this damage and treat it with as much compassion as you can muster, but don't let it snare you. Drill this into your brain: if it doesn't feel good, it's not worth it.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

On Neglect

 If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay. 
"People do what people actually want to do. This simple statement holds itself to be true in 99% of people's lives. If a person really wants to do a certain thing, and they have their heart set on it, then more than likely they will accomplish it. This especially holds true in a lot of relationships you may encounter, if you haven't already encountered it. When someone doesn't show up when they say they will, always cancels plans, or just doesn't come around even though they have ample opportunity to, chances are they really don't want to be a part of your life. 

"Realizing and accepting this may be a very hard pill to swallow, but is essential for one's happiness. To combat this, it is essential that you cut the people out of your life who make no time for you when they have the opportunities to. Doing so will free your mind eventually, and will also free your calendar. Now you have time to spend with someone who wants to spend that time with you as much as you want with them. Starting new relationships may seem difficult at first, but change is an essential function of life. We must embrace change and let the things go in our lives that are broken, and that have no possible way of being fixed. You ultimately can't make someone make time for you, so it is imperative that you find someone who has no qualms with and that is enthusiastic about you, and vice versa."

-- J. Johnson

Saturday, August 03, 2013


The scene is set; the lights dimmed to a warm red-orange glow, music pulsing softly in the background. It feels cozy and dreamlike, my skin bare and my body vulnerable, a centerpiece offered up for amusement. In darkness, blindfolded, I sink into the most lovely and relaxing place where the edges of my physical body blur. I revel in the warmth and languor, losing myself and absorbing it until I am full and beyond. Unexpectant and yielding, I become a mass of sensations, played like an instrument in the affectionate hands of a master. My body and mind meld in liquid form, silky and viscous like melted chocolate.