Friday, September 13, 2013

Betty and Beyond

As of a few weeks ago, I broke it off with Betty, a woman I'd dated for maybe three and a half months. This relationship was super confusing, with her saying one thing but behaving another, leaving me to wonder why the relationship wasn't moving forward.

I initiated several conversations during this time, trying to gently inquire as to why, but she would tell me she liked me a lot, was attracted to me, and so on. I just couldn't understand why, if all of that was true, I didn't feel much desire coming from her. I felt like I was getting all the annoying parts of a relationship without any of the good parts. Her lack of fire toward me made it difficult for me to feel desire or anything else, so over time, I wanted her less and less. It was all confusion and frustration, leading me to essentially the same situation I had with Jade.

Like with Jade, it didn't feel good anymore, so I broke it off with Betty. Her response was "I think that's a good idea" and I didn't quite know how to take that. It made me think that she never had really liked me anyway, but was stringing me along for the company and emotional support.. just confirming something I had been coming to realize on my own.

We bought tickets to go to a concert a couple of months ago, so that fell quite unfortunately the week after I broke it off with her. It was a bit awkward, but I honestly didn't care anymore. It had gotten to the point where her mannerisms and such have started to irritate me, so even if she did want to fool around or whatever, I'm sincerely no longer interested. I don't know if I didn't notice before because I had on rose-colored glasses, but she's actually pretty gripey and negative all the time and that is a trait I strongly dislike.

She was having a rough day last week and asked me to dinner. Everything was fine until the end of the meal, when she started griping about her romantic life, how she wants someone to take care of her, and how she can't find this and that.. that same oblivious shit that Jade would do to me. Like, seriously? After all my efforts and patience, you're really going to bitch to me, ignoring the fact that I offer what you claim to want? It feels really insensitive and unfair to me. If you're going to reject me, please don't force me to listen to you bitch and whine about your sex partners sucking or how no one awesome doesn't exist because -- ahem -- clearly one does.

Anyway, when she was whining about just wanting to be taken care of, and 'why can't I find anyone who's.. this.. that.. the other..'

I quietly replied, "But you resisted being taken care of."

With no hesitation, she said, "I wasn't attracted to you."

I just stared at her incredulously. "Well, that would have been nice to know a while ago."

"I know, I'm sorry..."

*shakes fist*

I feel like I wasted so much time and energy on this chick that I was never all that into anyway. I admit that I was motivated by the hope that one day, we would play and/or have sex and just when I'd be fed up and ready to break things off, she would keep me on the hook with little teases and promises of more. She told me she was attracted to me, thought I was smart and funny and blahblah. So, I'm like.. why would you basically pretend to like me and then kind of torture me until I had enough and initiated a breakup? That shit is not nice.

Ugh.

She said she had to figure out her feelings. That she's just really attracted to butch women and masculinity (I am not butch). I was like, "Why the hell didn't you tell me?" She didn't want to hurt my feelings, particularly when I'd just basically been in this situation with Jade and I was starting to wonder what the hell it was about me. Lame. I resent being shielded from the truth, especially since not telling me caused so much more angst over a long period than if she'd just been up front about not feeling it.

Once I let go of that, I found myself 100% single for the first time in a year. Kind of a new and interesting sensation, this always-dating-people thing. I was seeing several at a time there for a while and then one by one, they have fallen to the wayside. Before the past couple of years, never in my life had I ever dated more than one person at a time and never have I ever had so many dating opportunities. It's kind of awesome.

It feels good, actually, being single. Putting an end to the bad-feeling Betty situation felt really good, too. I have been working on being more Zen and part of this is recognizing the need to let go of my overly-intense desires for wanting partners, relationships, sex, play, etc. Someone pointed out to me that wanting something too much is an unhealthy attachment. It's okay to want things, but when the wanting becomes obsessive, it becomes unhealthy. It's certainly a pointless sink of energy, and so I am working on letting go of my desire.

It seems a bit synchronistic that as soon as I ended things with Betty, as soon as I started to let go of an unhealthy desire, some new opportunities have fallen into my lap. One is a Domme I was talking to maybe a year ago; we'd spoken on the phone, hit it off, and planned for me to drive her on some errands the following week. Then, she dropped off the face of the Earth for a while. I sent a gentle inquiring email, but she never responded. I was disappointed, since it sounded like we were a great match and I'd come so close to meeting her!

She resurfaced recently and though I was a bit tempted to contact her, I was still a little hurt at being dropped so abruptly. She wound up contacting me earlier this week and now it looks like I have a date for Folsom St. Fair! I honestly could not resist the chance to attend to a Domme of her caliber -- intimidatingly smart and gorgeous -- at Folsom, particularly when I was facing having to wander around by my lonesome again this year. Actually, last year wound up being fun after I ran into some pro Domme friends and got hooked up with free margaritas at a bar they were promoting. I hoped for the same this year, but this is way better. She's even going to dress me -- so hot (and thank god, because I still have no fetish outfit and I feel kind of lame about that fact) -- she said she was thinking 'something military reform schoolboy Dr. Who visits Downton Abbey'. Even more hot, I totally dig her tastes!

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Rope

Starting out, I was a blank slate, with no inkling of what I might like beyond spanking. Truthfully, there were many things that I had no feeling about going in, that have come to be favorites.

Rope was one of these things. I can't say that I was particularly drawn to rope before. I'd sailed briefly as a pre-teen and while I enjoyed being fluent in knots and being comfortable enough with rope to feel I'd masterfully rigged my boats, it didn't evoke any dirty thoughts at the time.

However, I look back and am reminded of my first crush, Wonder Woman, that lasso, and that watching people being tied up made me feel funny in a way that my 5-year-old brain didn't understand. It's only now that I look back and see the stirrings of kinky impulses and the leanings toward an eventual love of rope.

The evidence seems plain now in hindsight! Later, I would enjoy being the person in distress, the kidnapped princess or whatever, in games with other kids, especially if it involved being tied up (with jumprope usually). I'd be 'tied up' and under a table in a 'dungeon', happily waiting there as battles were waged for my freedom. I remember just lying there as the action happened around me, feeling exceptionally warm, peaceful, and relaxed. Being tied up in rope now evokes the same feelings, making it clear that whatever it is that drives me has been there for quite a long time.

It was our second session. She'd indulged me with a very long and epic spanking the previous time, and this time, she introduced clothespins and rope, two things that were new to me. Ever since the beginning, I handed myself over to her completely, giving her carte blanche to do whatever amused her. As an aside, I don't advise newbies to do that for safety reasons, but she was a pro and something about her made me feel safe and that she was trustworthy, so I listened to my gut.

After I'd undressed, she ran her hands over me, circling as I stood very still, blushing. "I'm going to put you in a rope corset," she told me, then walked over and retrieved a few bundles of rope from a cabinet.

What I didn't know then that I know now: she is a rope master. Like, seriously skilled to the point of it being a little aweing. I would come to learn this about her and to find her fluency and ability to be super hot, but in our second session, I knew nothing. I looked at the rope skeptically, even, not yet getting its appeal.

She unwound a rope bundle and stood in front of me. She began to deftly tie, rope slithering and tightening against my bare skin. Wound around my neck and then between my legs, her hand moving down to adjust the rope and my labia, making me blush with mild humiliation and a pleasing sensation of safe objectification. I watched her as she worked and I liked the focused concentration that played on her face.

I felt a lot of new things. I still didn't understand the appeal or the motivation. It seemed to take a while, an intricate and involved activity, and if I'm being honest, I didn't yet get the point. I'm pretty game, though, and since she seemed to really enjoy it, I stood there taking it all in and exploring how it made me feel. I felt funny, warm and tingly, and maybe slightly embarrassed. I recognize it as the same feeling I get when being fussed over and paid a lot of attention to, or when someone is doing something really nice just for me (I now know that there's a name for this feeling: ASMR).

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing my newly-discovered love of rope. I'm struck by how something so simple can also be so powerful and so moving. With more time and experience, I've come to appreciate that it's as much about the process as it is the final result. It's slowing down, enjoying the sensuality of the rope, and a quiet kind of intimacy that stems from a trusting and companionable relationship. It's also meditative in a way and I learned to relax into it like a comfortable silence.

Sometimes she would hum or sing along to the music playing, but she worked without much interaction with me, effectively making me feel somewhat like an object. Her focus was less on me as a person and more as a canvas for rope. I'm not much attracted to degradation play, but I found that I liked this kind of objectification. It felt safe. I didn't feel degraded, but instead felt appreciated, maybe even a little flattered. It felt really good that she was taking the time to do this intricate, sensual thing to me.

As I've been tied more, I have come to fall in love with rope and the aesthetics of artistic ties. Everything from seeing it in someone's hands to the final result of lines criss-crossing someone's body, it does it for me. I love the transformation; the rope Top becomes focused and I melt into a blissful and serene state. The rope feels delicious as it travels across my body, tickling and pinching at turns, becoming an ever more constant presence as it is pulled and tightened into place. Being bound like this feels like nothing else, and it's as warm and comforting as an embrace. When released, I'm eager to inspect my body for the impressions left by the rope and I love having been marked by the experience, even if only temporarily.