To Love Thyself, Divine

I created this blog last night and the subject of sex is, for me, such a broad and wide-ranging topic that I really didn't know where to start. I have so many interests, it's impossible to pick just one. I'm not the kind of person who likes to sit down and plan out every single detail; in fact, I prefer to go through life trying things on and seeing how they go. I'm not entirely sure where I want to take this blog, or even how far I'll get with it, but it should be a fun ride, nonetheless.

Since I never get laid, let's begin by talking about everyone's favorite pasttime: masturbation.

Masturbation can't and doesn't replace sex, the feeling of another hot, sweaty body touching yours, the moans of another person, or being able to enjoy pleasing your partner. The good thing is, in some ways it can be better than the real thing. For one, there's very little pressure or disappointment, and you always get what you want. You are allowed to focus on yourself for as long or as many times as you desire. There's nobody to get in the way, or to stop doing something right as you're about to come.

I'm a jill-off-aholic, can't get enough. Getting off for me is usually a daily occurance. I can't go more than a week without it, or I find myself on the precipice of explosion. I discovered the miracle of orgasm when I was ten, after bragging to a bunch of girls that I'd rubbed my crotch against a stuffed animal. Yeah, I know. I have no idea why I bragged that, though we'd been discussing our half-baked notions of sex, so in context it didn't seem all that weird. Nevermind that I hadn't, or that I had no idea what doing so would bring about. When I was home later that day, it occurred to me to try it out. So I grabbed a stuffed killer whale, lay on my stomach on the bed, and humped its back. The resulting orgasm was quick and intense. I remember having absolutely NO idea what just happened or why, but I had two resulting thoughts: what I'd just done was bad, but it felt GOOD and I wanted to do it again.

I spent the next few years trying in vain to stop masturbating. I knew the facts of life, but no one had ever discussed onanism with me. I didn't even know the name for what it was I did. I knew I couldn't tell my parents or ask them about it; I thought it was an awful, dirty thing, especially since I was completely unable to give it up. I think two years in a row, my New Years resolution was to quit... and then I'd find myself right back at it shortly after.

Thankfully for my conscience, I eventually learned that what I did wasn't really all that bad. Masturbation became a daily thing for me. I remember getting off to various scenes in books, movies like Basic Instinct, the Director's Cut, as well as 2 Live Crew and Green Jello songs. I was a horndog then, and I'm a horndog now. Doesn't take much to turn me on. I also discovered that getting off at bedtime resulted in a natural tranquilizer effect that helped me sleep. Unfortunately, I spent many years doing all this on my stomach, and have basically trained my body that the easiest way is in that position. I've got a rock-hard ass and legs that I attribute to so many years of tensing and thrusting in order to come on my stomach.

I discovered my mom's vibrator in my mid-teens, though the first couple of times I saw it, I honestly had no idea what it was. It was kind of an old-school variety that looked quite like an electric mixer. At some point, I figured it out, and decided to try it when no one was home. Yes, I used my mom's vibrator. Though I think now it's kind of gross, I've always been extremely sexually curious and I had a definite need to see for myself. I plugged the thing in, settled in on my stomach, turned it on, and in about two seconds, I was done. I was amazed, and hooked!

I've learned a lot of things since my naive youth. I laugh at the thought of my younger self, so petrified and guilty that I couldn't stop getting myself off. I still masturbate mostly on my stomach, but have developed some variety. I like to watch porn, for example, so I'll sit in my chair and get off that way. When I was younger, I rarely actually touched myself, skin-on-skin, but I've added that into my repertoire. I have a vibrator. I have toys. Every now and then I like to use a small anal probe to fuck my ass while I get off. If I want to prolong and intensify the experience, I'll do it on my back.

In my case, masturbation has become somewhat of a replacement for sex. I'm sure people would call me a raging slut if my sex life was exactly the way I wanted it, but sadly, I have no one to fuck. So I spend a good deal of time pleasuring myself, instead.