Lust

I was thinking last night about lust and what it can drive a person to do or go through. If you're a breathing human being, you probably know what I'm talking about. Lust is an incredibly powerful emotion and can cause a person to do things that, once sated, they regret. This can be sticking out a crappy relationship because the sex is awesome, cheating on a partner, or simply being so horny you sleep with someone you never would ordinarily. Being the lust-driven girl that I am, I'm definitely guilty of this, myself. I'm an incredibly loyal friend and girlfriend and have never cheated on a partner, but I have definitely been a slave to lust in the other situations I mentioned.

At a previous job, I had a flirty relationship with a coworker. I was still relatively new, hadn't gotten laid in a while, and started thinking that maybe I should take advantage of the opportunity. People who exude sexuality attract me in ways that defy logic, they appeal to a primal part of me that is very difficult to ignore. This guy was no exception, plus I enjoyed the attention and found it flattering. Unfortunately, because I was still new, I didn't have the kind of insight that I did later; which is to say, if I'd waited and got to know him better, I absolutely would not have fucked this guy.

He wasn't a bad guy, but later his personality really began to rub me the wrong way. He was a huge spaz at work when he got stressed or worked up about something, and simply would not let things go. One night he flipped out at me over something small and spent hours, literally until the end of the shift, making snide, underhanded comments behind my back and whenever I walked by, he swore at me, and at one point stepped up to me like he was going to hit me. Shit like that made me absolutely regret having had sex with him, plus we'd agreed to keep our tryst private, and I would fear that he'd try to get back at me by telling everyone. I think the only reason he didn't is that I knew a key piece of very intimate, sensitive information about him that I'm sure he didn't want the entire workplace to know.

He had a very small penis. Now, penis size itself is another post entirely, but what I'm talking about here is more than your average small dick. It was so small it was practically non-existent, and I'm not exaggerating or being mean. I swear to you it was about half an inch to an inch, at most. We never talked about it in medical terms, but I'm almost positive he had a micropenis. In fact, he had to wear an extension to have sex. I doubt he had ever actually been inside a woman, and I felt a great deal of pity for the guy. I mean, with guys, a lot of their self-esteem seems tied into the size of their penis, and can you imagine having to share a locker room with other guys when your dangly bit is the size of an infant's?

Anyway, a bunch of us from work went out one Saturday and got nicely drunk. This guy came onto me, and I did sleep with him. Out of sensitivity, I didn't feel like I could say no after he dropped his pants. I spent the next year and half wishing I could go back and change the moment where I agreed. Every time I saw him, I couldn't help but think about having fucked him, and it kind of made me sick. Why did I? How could I? Lust, I'm telling you.

I had a horrendous relationship with a girl that was addictive and beyond fucked up. At the time, I thought I was in love with her, but even then I did wonder why it didn't feel the same as when I'd been in love before. Later I realized that while I loved her in some twisted way, I was not in love and what I'd been feeling was pure lust. I was addicted to the sex, and so I would put up with all the shit she dealt me on a daily basis. I look back on that relationship with disdain, and disbelief that I put up with her mental fuckwittage for that long. My self-esteem was then at an all-time low, mainly due to how she set it up and treated me, and I found myself using sex with her to prove to myself that I was attractive and desirable. Toward the end of the relationship, she read my journal and added some comments in there, and since she didn't like what I'd had to say, she decided to sexually cut me off forever. I was a little crushed at the time, but it turns out this was really the best thing that could have happened. I was an addict, she was my dealer, and I needed the cold-turkey slap in the face to wake me up. It was much easier to move on and get out after this.

If I were a guy, I would definitely be accused of thinking with my dick. I'm such a pussy-chaser and if there's a possibility of getting some, particularly if there's alcohol involved, I go against my normal logic and pursue it. This drive is such a separate, powerful part of me that I have a name for it: The Beast. It doesn't take much to turn me on, and cause The Beast to stir. But once The Beast is fully awake, it's a 'look out' situation, because it drives me to lengths I would never consider otherwise. When The Beast awakens, it doesn't care for pleasantries, relationships, or rational thought. All it wants is to be satisfied, and satisfied now. I have been in situations where before starting to make out with someone, we've agreed to not have sex. And then after a lot of teasing and playing around, The Beast takes over, and the previous agreement is out the window. I've blatantly come on to women under the influence of The Beast, something I rarely, if ever, do.

The Beast has definitely gotten me into trouble. When it's in control, I can only vaguely think of any reasons why not to continue, and even then I honestly don't care. It's a powerful force, one that often beats me into submission. It causes me to ignore red flags, to pursue people that I would be much better off simply leaving alone.

Lust is incredible. Look at how it affects most humans, how it drives them to do things in passion that their rational selves would reject. They cheat on wonderful partners, get themselves neck-deep in drama, even agree to not use protection when they otherwise should. Most people want to ignore or reject the idea that humans are just as much animals as any other vertebrate species on the planet, yet when it comes down to it, we have very much the same basic needs and instincts. Sex is unbelievably powerful, and our drive to pursue it is one of the reasons our species has not only succeeded, but become one of the most prolific. A very basic instinct, indeed.