Schoolgirl Crushes

One of my regular readers, Satin_Jenni posted a comment to my previous entry and posed the following question. The answer is something I'd planned to discuss at some point, so while writing out a lengthy response, I figured I'd just post it.

Interesting how you were aware of your crush on a few selected individuals even back then. How did you progress to acting upon these crushes?

Ha.. well, the funny thing is, for the longest time, I was unable to see that my intense feelings for girls went far beyond your normal 'girl-crush'. I read a blog recently that theorized that even straight girls get girl-crushes. It's a combination of admiration, wanting to know them, and wanting to be them, and it strides that line that would cross over into romantic-crush territory.

The problem with me and my feelings is that in the moment, when I'm feeling them, I'm sort of blind to whatever it is. I can be depressed or angry, or even in love, and be feeling really crappy dealing with all the actual emotions, when all of a sudden it will hit me; "Oh! I'm depressed/angry/in love!" Once I realize what's going on, everything is crystal clear, it all clicks into place and makes far more sense than it did before. It also makes it much easier to deal with and sort out whatever it is. That probably sounds odd, and it's a bit weird to me that I can be in the middle of this swirling, hellish vortex of emotion and not be able to understand just what is going on with me. Sort of like not being able to see the forest for the trees, to use a cliche. But it's for this reason that it can sometimes take me a while to either figure it out, by attaching a label to it, or if I'm in denial (as I was about my sexuality), finally cop to what I'm really feeling.

Looking back, I realize I've had mad crushes on girls almost my entire life. My babysitter when I was 5, my camp counselors, friends, girls I knew at school, etc. Only then, either due to ignorance or my unwillingness to admit it wasn't "normal", I labeled it as different things. My crushes on older girls I chalked up to always having wanted an older sister. Peers, I chalked up to intense admiration and wishing I could be them. And while I'm sure there were elements of those things entwined in there, now that I'm older, I see that I had a lot of platonic relationships and friendships with girls I had romantic feelings for.

I don't know why it was such a struggle for me to admit I found women so much more attractive than men. I grew up in a highly liberal environment that is definitely a safe haven for gays. I knew tons of gay men, but unfortunately didn't know any lesbians until I got older and was only a couple of years away from coming out, myself. I know I was afraid of the label and what I thought it meant. So, for many years I suppressed, denied, and ignored my feelings for women. I even worked overtime to be straight, and for a while was what you might call "boy crazy". I realize, thinking about it now, that this time was full of angst, confusion, and even self-loathing, and it wasn't very fun. I remember trying to tell my male best friend I thought I was a lesbian, but purposefully bringing it up at inopportune times so that we wouldn't have a serious discussion about it.

The transition from crushing on girls from afar and acting upon it happened without any planning or decision to jump in, on my part. At about 18, I decided to try out the "bisexual" label, which I found an easier way to try on being okay with my strong attraction to girls. Because I was still terrified about what it all meant, I didn't take any steps to make it happen, but I was open to the possibility. That year, I didn't know it then, but I met the girl who would end up being my first love three years later.

I continued trying to date and sleep with men, but it confused me utterly when I found myself constantly wanting to run away from involvement with the guys. It just never felt right, and not only that, even after I lost my virginity to a good friend at 18 and began having sex flings somewhat regularly, I couldn't understand what the big deal was about sex. It was overrated, in my mind. Through all of this, I took no steps toward dating women, and it wasn't until I was nearly 21 that love basically bitch-slapped me out of nowhere. This girl and I were really good friends, had spent years being physically affectionate and even sleeping in the same bed when I came to visit, but both very much platonically, and after she broke up with her long-time boyfriend, we found ourselves falling hard for each other. At first, I thought I was imagining it, that it was all on my end, and I kept it to myself. But the mutual attraction and feelings were so strong that it all eventually came out, and we started dating.

She was my first love, and the first girl I was ever intimate with. I wouldn't say I ever did anything to act on my girl-crushes, mainly because I was so damn terrified about the whole thing. So basically the universe decided it was high time I woke the hell up, and dropped this girl right in my lap. With a huge bang, of course! And after sex and intimacy with her, even after the very first time, I got immediately just what had been missing in all my previous experiences with men. I understood what the big deal about sex was, finally. The answer was that I was having it with the wrong gender. ;)